 Comedy: May 30, 2018 Issue [#8924] |
  Comedy
This week: Summer Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
-Steven Wright |
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With Northern hemisphere summer nearly here, or already here (depending on your definition), I thought I'd share some tips I've learned for dealing with the heat.
1. It's summer, so people will want to cook out. This makes no sense, because the day's hot enough without firing up a giant grill and munching on hot food. Stay in the shade and drink lemonade.
2. Speaking of lemonade, your beverage of choice will stay cold for exactly 3.4 seconds before the oppressive heat sucks all the cold right out of it, 3.6 if it's in an insulated sleeve. This time can be extended by up to 1 second by adding ice to the drink, which will only serve to water it down.
3. The process of making said ice involves complicated sciencey stuff like heat exchangers, like the one on your refrigerator. Without going into too many technical details, they dump waste heat into the kitchen, which is already hot enough. That usually gets cooled down by air conditioning, which dumps even more waste heat into the outside air, usually near your grill. While not hot enough to actually cook anything, it exacerbates the problem described in (1).
4. Now that I mention air conditioning, we invented it for a reason, and that reason is because it gets damn hot in the summer. Stay inside and enjoy the wonders of technology.
5. You might be tempted to cool off by swimming in a pool. Before you do this, google "public swimming pool germs."
6. If you absolutely must venture out into the sweaty outdoors, try to keep your mind fixed on how bloody cold it got last winter.
7. Maybe consider renting a place in Australia for half the year. Sure, everything there is trying to kill you, but at least it's in the other hemisphere, where seasons are backwards. You can probably afford it if you sell the spouse and/or kids. It's worth it.
8. So you've decided to ignore all the above, and you're out "enjoying" the summer sun. Hope you remembered your sunscreen. Oh, look, you missed a spot there, Red.
Still, I have one good thing to say about summer: At least it's not winter.
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Last time, in "The Downside" , I talked about the perils of having a sense of humor, especially when someone who is not you puts a tack on the teacher's chair.
🌕 HuntersMoon  : Plagiarist! You took this right out of my life, didn't you! 😂 OK, not the tack thing but learning early on that humor will get you through the toughest of times. As Charlie Chaplin said, "A day without laughter is a wasted day."
When did Charlie Chaplin say anything?
Mummsy  : You might say that the point of this newsletter is that sometimes humor will get you into trouble. *sigh* I cannot believe you didn't go for the pun ...
But that would have been... tacky.
Quick-Quill  : They say laughter is the best medicine, but when its done involentairly then results in what you experienced, it is unfair. As an adult we learn to control most of the sudden verbal outbursts of emotion. There are times in writing where the conflict can be just as you described a reaction that isn't accepted as "normal" and deemed in appropriate. This can lead to interesting plots just like yours.
Wait... as an adult we what? Dang, I'm doing it wrong. Again.
And that's it for me! See you in June. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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