 Comedy: March 08, 2006 Issue [#915] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Mavis Moog  
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I hope to make you chuckle. But more importantly I will be high-lighting some excellent comedy writing on this site.
Mavis Moog |
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Three old ladies were sitting on a bench, one said, "I'm thirsty."
The second replied, "No, it's Wednesday."
The third said, "It's windy? Well, pull your collar up, then."
This old joke, I make no apologies - some of the youngsters may not have heard it - seems to sum up the efficiency of my household.
My mother-in-law lives with my husband and me. Although her cognitive powers are not quite what they once were, I have to say, none of us seems to be terribly 'on the ball' at the moment.
This morning, I was feeling particularly befuddled, due to an excess of commitments and a scarcity of hours in a weekend, when my mother-in-law called through to me.
"Are we going to go out for a drink then?"
I sat for a moment and wondered what she meant. We do not normally go out on a Sunday afternoon, and she knew I had masses of work to catch up on. "It is Mothering Sunday, you know." she continued, while I pondered her suggestion.
"Oh No!" I wailed, and ran from my office, to give her a big hug and my profuse apologies for forgetting such an important day.
"It doesn't matter. It's enough that I'm with you. Don't worry about it, but maybe a little medicinal pick-me-up would not be unwelcome." she simpered sweetly.
"Of course." I gushed. "Now, you come and sit down, what can I get you?" I asked.
My husband heard my ministrations and appeared with an ashen expression on his face.
"I can't believe we've forgotten Mothering Sunday. How awful." he hissed in my ear, as I rattled around in the drinks cabinet.
"We've forgotten?" I whispered back at him, "She is your mother, you know! You'd better go and get her some shortbreads and a card." I instructed, as I poured a large brandy into mother-in-law's favourite glass.
"I've just got to shut the computer down, and then we can all go out and celebrate." I said, breezily, handing her her medicine.
My mind was in a whirl. How on earth was I going to get everything done if I had to waste several hours of this final day of the weekend? I was resigning myself to having to work through the night, when my husband ran into my office. He thrust a calendar under my nose.
"Look - Mothering Sunday is 26th March. Not today." he announced.
"Oh, the little monkey!" I shrieked. My computer was already in the dim glimmers of closing down. "She's managed to make us all as daft as she is!" I laughed.
"Have I got it wrong, Dear?" Mother-in-law asked, her blue eyes innocent and wide. "I am sorry," she said, and sipped her drink smugly.
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I woke up one morning last week, and noticed my big toe was missing. There was note saying, "Gone to market."
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Those of you who have been braving the snow this week, will appreciate this story. My poodle, Roger, hates getting his balls snowy.
We have a special throwing stick, with which we throw his balls as far as we can. Normally he runs after them, and snatches them in mid-air after a single bounce. This week though, it has been a different scene. The thick snow clings to his balls and when he snatches at them, the icy coating causes him to drop them immediately.
I enjoyed watching him find ever more ingenious ways to clean them. The best one, so far, is holding the balls between his front paws, while nibbling the snow off the upper-most surface. He doesn't realise that while he's doing this, the underside is getting a generous fresh coating of ice. When he rolls the balls over to clean the other side, the newly cleaned surface becomes snowy again. I tell you, it's hilarious.
Our morning walk took ages, as he obsessively continued his never-ending task. Finally I took pity on him, and swapped the fuzzy tennis balls for smooth rubber ones. They were less likely to pick up the nasty white stuff, and Roger was able to resume his chase-and-fetch game.
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A dog teaches a child fidelity, perseverence and the necessity of turning round three times before lying down. [Robert Benchley]
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If you're not part of the solution, you're a precipitate.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?. |
This is short and sweet, but it made me smile.
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Another short one, but something I've often considered - it's probably a woman thing.
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I think we can all identify with this.
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There's something about dignity that just has to be undermined.
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This could be the inspiration for a new way of life.
Next time your wife goes away, try sending her this message.
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zwisis
Great newsletter, Mavis. Reminds me of a translation on the menu of an Egyptian Restaurant here in Greece: "aubergene/eggplant with lamb" was written "aborigines in lamb"...
Good chosen subject for the Newsletter Mavis and I'm sure we've all made those sort of blunders. My worst was when I described an uncle of mine as 'exhuming warmth and kindness.' The class never forgot that one.
ncblondie
Great newsletter. When I worked at a newspaper proofreading, I often came across some goofs. A front page article was posted in our office as a reminder to read closely. The headline read "Two Men Caught on Chunky Gal." Even the locals who knew that Chunky Gal was a mountain were surprised by that one. I also remember a typo in a classified ad. Instead of reading "free 25 gallon drums", the ad read "25 gallon drugs."
Melissa is fashionably late!
Hi Mavis
Indeed, errors usually make for more comedy than intended puns. I've seen typos that make an intended e-rated word not, and also change the meaning of sentences totally. Thanks for the examples! They gave me a chuckle.
Mel
schipperke
Great newsletter, Mavis. I will have to be on the lookout for more funnies in my reading..(Let's see, Dan Brown's books..)
Katya the Poet 
Hilarious! I love this issue with its true-to-life stories of unintentional humor!
scribbler
loved it!
Tigger thinks of Prancer
This was really amusing! Thanks!!! I wonder if you knew all this or researched it somewhere.
Hey -- is the "[More Newsletters By This Editor]" link new?
I research almost everything I write. Even if I think I know something, I check it out to make sure I'm not having a false memory  .
Yes, now you can read all my wonderful newsletters, one after another - can you think of anything more wonderful? - Yes alright, no sarcastic comments please. - MM .
Eye of The Needle Controversy
Fairy
About your camel vs. rope translation comment: the "eye of a needle" actually refers to a gate into the city of Jerusalem called the "Needle's Eye," through which animals pass (when shepherds herd in their sheep for trade, or somesuch). It's not a very big gate, so a camel has to get on its knees to go through. Therefore, the proverb means that it is difficult for a rich man to get in heaven, but not impossible as most people think.
Other than that, loved the newsletter!
EquineObsessed 
I think you are mistaken about the "Eye of the needle" metaphor. From my understanding, cities at that time had two gates, the large city gates, and a small door to be used after dark when the large gates were locked. The small door was called "The eye of the needle" and it was large enough for a camel to go through, but not with all the packs and things of traders on them. So they would have to completely unload the camel, carry all the packs through the gate then lead the camel through and reburden it. It was easier to wait until morning when the large gates opened. I could be wrong about this however. Just wanted to let you know that the possible typo might not be one.
EquineObsessed |
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