 Comedy: October 17, 2018 Issue [#9173] |
This week: Both Sides Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Fake news is cheap to produce. Genuine journalism is expensive.
-Toomas Hendrik Ilves |
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Sometimes, I keep in touch with my alternate selves from parallel universes - mostly so I can feel superior to someone.
Waltz-325, for example, is a journalist from Earth-325, which is almost exactly like Earth except no one there has ever heard of Justin Bieber, which makes it that much closer to Utopia. So we were hanging out in a bar there, listening to something that wasn't Bieber, and drinking beer (which is, incidentally, the one thing that all of the Earths in the multiverse have in common, at least the ones that still have humans on them).
325 sighed. "I hate my job," he moaned.
Masterfully hiding my smile of superiority behind a sip of beer, I raised my eyebrows, which he knew to be the signal to go on, because he's me.
"My boss wants me to show both sides of every story," he explained.
"Well? Doesn't every story have at least two sides?"
"Well, no," he said. "Not always. Sometimes, there's the facts, and then there's misguided opinion, and she wants me to give them equal weight."
"Like what?" I prompted.
"Well, like the other day, I turned in what should have been a PSA about how it's important to get your flu shot if you can, because vaccines save lives."
I sighed. "Oh, boy. I know where this is going."
"Right? I had to go interview an anti-vaxxer. So the article was like, '99% of doctors and pharmacists who have been trained in this sort of thing recommend a flu vaccine, but Mary Mommyblogger heard it from some vacuous celebrity that vaccines are made from puppies and unicorns and that they give you autism and erectile dysfunction, so who knows what the actual truth is?'"
"The... doctors and pharmacists... do."
"You'd think, but no, apparently they're all a part of a vast conspiracy."
"Bieber's boobs," I cursed.
"What?"
"Nothing. Um, you don't have a climate change article coming up, do you?"
He shuddered. "Gods forbid. I'm not sure my sanity could survive an interview with a denier."
"I hear ya. Hey, but I have an idea."
"Yeah?"
"Give your editor what she wants."
"Thanks, but I already know I have to do that to keep my job."
"No, no, I mean, anytime there's a story about anything, make sure to present the anti-science side too."
"Like...?" he prompted.
"Okay, say someone dies from falling off a cliff."
"My editor, maybe?"
"No. Shut up and listen. So the article's all about the police investigation, right? Was he pushed, or did he just slip? Well, what really matters is that you present the gravity theory as well as other, 'equally possible' explanations. Like maybe he floated down and then a bear hit him with a rock. Or he started out at the bottom, gravity failed and he floated up; then it turned back on and he fell again. After all, gravity is 'only a theory'."
"But that's..."
"Nonsense? No, it's just an alternative explanation. No one can prove it wrong, right? No one saw the fall, so how do we know he didn't just disappear from the top of the cliff and reappear at the bottom? There's no missing link! Where are the transitional forms?!"
He began to smile. "I think I see where you're going with this."
"Right? Or maybe there's a story about someone who sailed solo around the world. Find a flat-earther, and have them explain why that's not possible."
"Ha!"
"And next time there's a murder, do the story, but find one of those loons who think that we're living in a simulation, and quote them saying something like 'but it's not really a murder because this world is only a simulation.'"
"I get it, I get it. Or... if I do a piece about the latest advances in GPS technology, I can put in some quotes about how GPS can't possibly work because relativity is unproven."
"Eh, that might be too esoteric for your readers."
"Damn, I guess you're right. Okay, okay, how about... I have a story coming up on a local woman who lost both her siblings on 9/11. For the sake of fairness, I'd have to put in how people believe that 9/11 was an inside job!"
"Jet fuel can't..." I began.
"...melt steel beams!" we finished in unison. Which earned us several looks from the other bar patrons, because we look identical.
We ordered more beer.
"Oh," I realized aloud after a while.
"What?"
"You're going to have so much fun in July."
"What do you mean?"
"Fiftieth anniversary of Apollo 11," I reminded him. "Moon landing."
He looked at me, and I watched his expression go from puzzlement, through concern, all the way to despair. "Oh jeez..." he muttered.
I nodded. "Yep. You're going to have to present 'both sides.'"
He chugged the rest of his beer, then slammed the glass onto the bar. "No. No! Line in the sand. Line. In. The. Sand."
"You know, I hear there's an opening in the music industry," I noted.
"I'll start auditioning." |
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Last time, in "Milk Run" , I talked about hurricane panic.
Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  :  Well, actually, eggs are plucked up, too, as well as the bread and milk. That's what we always had at the ready before a blizzard or the hurricane, depending on the season hit. I think it's a psychological urge to make French Toast. My mother was French, so, I guess that's what sticks in my mind. And, those old washing machines can hold quite a bit of ice. No worries about refrigeration. And, we cooked with gas. That was always dependable until the recent Merrimack Valley gas fires/explosions. 
The only issue with your French toast theory is that I've never heard of supermarkets running out of vanilla extract or cinnamon before a storm.
Detective  : I work at a supermarket and I see this ALL the time. It is one of the most ridiculous things ever. It's worse if the news says snow since I live in Mass. My mother and I frequently roll our eyes at these people.
Well, again, I can kind of see it for snow - the not-so-great outdoors can double as a freezer. Hurricanes, however, happen in the summer and fall.
Monty  : I have no idea of a way to save that milk but you did put a smile on my face.
But hopefully not a milk 'stache.
Mummsy  : "Peach fuzz is cool ... but plum skin is from the devil! Sweet plum flesh, horrible, tart skin. Nothing funny about that at all."
"But hey, at least they're not cherries, right?"
TRUTH! You know me so well. 
Yep! Not to worry, I'll save you from those evil cherries.
Quick-Quill  : It’s a fact that the most pizzas are ordered for delivery during a snow storm. I lived in MN. If you can’t get to the store why do you think someone will drive to your house in a storm? Duh.
Because I tip 40-50% when it snows.
GeminiGem🐾  : I have never gone to a store to stock up before a storm. Never. I keep a fairly stocked home, so I don't see the point. I have filled containers up with water, but that is about it. I live in an area that sees blizzards, tornadoes, and wildfires. I've lost electricity for days, and been tempted to toss the fridge and freezer outside, but never did it. Hey, if you lose a few perishables, you lose them. Milk included. There is always the water I hoarded prior to the storm, and if push comes to shove there is usually about 50 lbs of dog kibble that won't go bad. One thing that is a blizzard essential is Nature's Miracle. Getting dogs, especially Chihuahuas, to go potty out in a blizzard is a non-starter.
I never stock up before a storm, either, but sometimes Grocery Day just happens to fall at a time when there's a storm panic, so I get caught up in the massing crowd. And chihuahuas in the snow might be even funnier than cats.
That's it for me for October! See you next month. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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