 Comedy: November 14, 2018 Issue [#9219] |
This week: Windows Edited by: Waltz Invictus  
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
-Erma Bombeck
It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.
-Garrison Keillor
I like the desert for short periods of time, from inside a car, with the windows rolled up, and the doors locked. I prefer beach resorts with room service.
-Anne Lamott |
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Usually, when I say I have a problem with windows, all I have to do is reboot my computer.
Not this time. This time, several months ago, I was driving through, I don't know, probably the Nevada desert when I came upon an oasis named McDonald's. I pulled into the drive-thru and pressed the switch controlling the driver's side window... and nothing happened.
There were a couple of cars in front of me - after all, this was the only McDonald's for at least 100 miles in any direction - so I spent some time loudly questioning the window's parentage, sexual habits, probable afterlife destination, and resemblance to fecal matter, all the while pounding on the offending thing (my theory being that if that combination didn't get it to work, it would at least collapse in shame).
Well, it worked, and I was able to order my cheeseburger, but gone were the days of trusting my window. Sometimes it would work just fine on the first try. Other times, I had to be creative in my cursing until I intimidated it into acquiescence.
Next time I went to the mechanic, I said, "Yeah, could you look at the driver's side window? It only works occasionally."
He tried it out. "Workin' fine," he said.
"Yeah, but last time I tried it, it wouldn't retract."
"Well, I can't do nothin' about it unless it's broke."
"Great. Well, next time it fails, I'll bring it in."
So the next time I couldn't get the window to retract on a weekday, I detoured to the mechanic. As I pulled in, I tried the window again... and - you guessed it - it worked.
I turned around and went to McDonald's, pulled into the drive-thru - and the window didn't work.
At this point, I ran out of curse words, which if you know me would shock you more than the cursing.
For the next several months, it was the same pattern. Pull into a fast food place or a bank drive-in? Window doesn't work. Take it to the mechanic? Window works. During this time, of course, the car's warranty expired. Sometimes I had to order my Taco Bell with the door half-open - and then the window would taunt me by working just fine when I got to the pick-up window.
I seriously considered getting a crowbar, but really, the innocent glass wasn't the problem; it had to be something to do with them newfangled power window circuit thingies.
Something like four or five maintenances later, I pulled into the mechanic one cloudy morning and, my heart filled with trepidation and longing, gave the power window button a push.
Success! It failed! I told the mechanic about it.
So now, as I write this, I am without a car, as they (naturally) had to order the part and I had to go to the doctor to have them remove an arm and a leg to pay for it. Hopefully, by the time you read this, I'll have my car back, and the window will be working, and I can go to McDonald's again, much to the certain delight of my cardiologist. |
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Last time, in "Both Sides" , I had a discussion with my counterpart from a parallel universe.
Jim Hall  : I like the concept of a alternate universe me. I haven't tried that before. My modus operendi has been inanimate objects a la personification. That is why I really enjoy "Invalid Item" For me, there is something really comical about inanimate objects talking and voicing their opinions.
Jim
Which is all well and good until you go to throw something away. "No! No, Master, please, I've been loyal!"
Northwood  : I've taken to exclamations of, "Bieber's boobs!" much in the same way Miss Hannigan says, "Leapin' lizards!"
A thoroughly good read. Cheers.
Always did want to start a trend.
Quick-Quill  (on overtipping the pizza driver in a snowstorm): LOL. I have to say I did too. But I never did it when it was blizzard conditions. I wouldn't want that on my conscience if they were hurt.
That would depend on whether it happened before, or after, I got my pizza.
And that's it for me for November - see you next month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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