 Horror/Scary: November 28, 2018 Issue [#9243] |
This week: Giving Thanks Edited by: W.D.Wilcox  
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Giving Thanks
Hi, my name is Yosie Yams and every year I am the favorite side dish on the Holiday Table. Kids like me because of my bright color and sweet taste. Seniors like me because I’ve already been chewed. And parents like me because I’m probably the easiest thing to fix on Thanksgiving.
With a little imagination, I could probably be a contender for dessert and give ol’ Pumpkin Pie a run for his money. But you’d have to cover me with marshmallows first.
I feel sad for some of the other side dishes though, Sticky Stuffing or Cranky Cranberry. You know, you can tell whether someone likes you by the look on their face when they eat you. Have you ever seen the look on someone’s face when they try to eat Cranberry sauce? Oh, man, it gives me the willies.
Well, food's on, and here comes the family.
Look at ‘em! This Family Tree just keeps getting bigger and bigger every year. I sure hope she cooked enough for everybody. Look, there’s Aunt Martha and Uncle Henry, Gram and Gramps, and look at all those kids.
Uh-oh, it looks like little Johnny has a bad cold, and he’s gonna sit down right next to me. Geez! Get some tissue buddy, would ya? You can’t sit down to eat with a wet snozola like that. That's disgusting, man. Somebody get Little Johnny a tissue!
Come on now, dig in to my steamy caramel-colored goodness. I bet that’ll help cure your cold. You know, your mom worked real hard this year preparing everything so that it came out just right.
Yeah, that’s it. Take a big old heaping tablespoon of me . . . .
“ACHOO!”
Oh man! That was gross! Look what you did to me! I got snot all over me. Somebody help! Help! Get it off! Get it off!
Oh! Finally! She’s taking me away to get me all cleaned up. Aw, listen to everybody moaning because I’m leaving the table. Don’t you worry none folks, I’ll be right back. I know, I know, but these things happen when you got kids, right?
I’m just gonna change my top, and, uh, hey, wait a minute. Hey! What . . . whatcha doing? You’re scraping me into the garbage can? Come on now! I’m still edible! No! No! No! Oh, what a cruel world this is. I'll get you for this, Johnny! Just you wait until next year . . . .
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY,
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Kill the Bird, Stuff 'im, and Eat 'im Whole
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DEAD LETTERS
gingerlyme says:
Thanks a million for featuring my short story The Right Thing To Do in your newsletter!
Kotaro  says:
Thanks for showing us how to do it. You're the best!
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