 Comedy: May 29, 2019 Issue [#9568] |
This week: Sustenance Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Eating good food is my favourite thing in the whole world. Nothing is more blissful.
-Justine Larbalestier
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
-Kevin James
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
-W. C. Fields |
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In my last editorial, I took a trip to the gym and described some of the people you might find inhabiting the place. Another pillar of what's commonly known as a "healthy lifestyle" is eating less, and more healthful, food.
Not everyone, I've found, is on board with this idea, though. No, there are all kinds of diet plans out there, the majority of which seem geared toward urging people to Buy My Food or Buy My Book.
But, hey, this is a site for writers, so I'm not going to kick anyone just for trying to sell their book. Still, from a reader's perspective, how can we navigate the seemingly endless, and largely contradictory, body of eating advice that's out there? Don't eat meat. Eat only lean meat. Eat plenty of vegetables. Don't eat too many vegetables. Eggs are horrible for you and think of the poor chickens. Eggs are delicious and nutritious, and they're what chickens are for. Don't eat carbs. Eat carbs but only brown ones. Lower your fat intake. Eat all the fat you want as long as it's this one brand of almond oil that I totally don't have an investment in. Fruit is good for you. Fruit has too much sugar. Hell, eat whatever you want but limit portion size.
Some will point out that the key to weight loss is to keep your calorie intake less than your calorie output - but it turns out that too much of that changes your metabolism so it gets harder and harder to do it.
Many years ago, I quit smoking cigarettes. That was comparatively easy: just don't smoke. Oh, sure, there are complications such as cravings, but with cigarettes you can, if you really want to, just quit. This is not the case for food. I suppose you could quit that, too (though I'd recommend against calling the quitting process "cold turkey," because just thinking about turkey can make you hungry), but you'd only live for a few weeks after that, and that kind of contradicts one of the main reasons for limiting one's caloric intake; to wit, staying alive longer.
So you gotta eat, but what?
Well, folks, for the low, low price of nothing, I'll tell you:
Whatever you don't like, eat it.
Hate cilantro? Pile that crap on everything.
Despise Brussels sprouts? What do you have against Belgium, anyway? They make great chocolate - which you can't eat. Pretend the Brussels sprouts are chocolate.
Can't stand tomatoes? Choke 'em down anyway.
Love pizza? Sorry - out of bounds.
Craving a cheeseburger? How about a nice thick slab of tofu instead?
This is why people swear by gluten-free diets, despite mountains of evidence that they're misleading: grains with gluten are tasty and filling, so... sorry, no. Have some quinoa. Learn how to pronounce it or face scorn.
Sure, you'll live longer - but I'm not sure it's worth it. |
Diet comedy: Low-calorie, gluten-free, and probably tasteless:
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Last time, in "Gym Dandy" , I talked about the other part of fitness: exercise.
🌕 HuntersMoon  : Thanks for the laugh. My son was a bodybuilder and I've seen all of the above plus a few more. My particular approach is summed up in the highlight. 😂 🤣 [Submitted Item: "(un)Fitness" [13+]]
Hey, what a coincidence - I'm a bodybuilder, too! I just build different parts, like my belly.
s  : Gym-freaks (genders are deliberately used):
In my experience, gymns are more like aviaries than anything else, so, with that in mind, what I've seen is:
The Peacock - a guy who only lifts if other guys are there. Makes sure they watch him. Doesn't do a lot of reps, but holds weights so he looks big
The Stork - only works out his upper body, so his arms and chest are huge, but his legs look like anorexic stick insects
The Parrot - comes in and tells everyone what they're doing wrong until he pulls a muscle because he forgot to warm-up. The old version comes in and tells everyone what he used to do, forgets to actually do any exercise, and then leaves
The Road-runner - only uses the treadmill... for 3 hours... making sure no-one else can use it... and yet the fastest he/she goes is 3mph
The Bird of Paradise - comes wearing the latest high end workout fashion, tells everyone how much it costs, then only does 5 minutes because otherwise sweat would spoil the clothing
The Bald Eagle - thinks he's better than anyone else, but if anyone else is around, he won't do anything so he isn't shown up.
The Kookaburra - grunts and groans so loudly that you'd think a female tennis match was on the television. Note, often only lifts what the average 10 year would lift.
The Budgerigar - needs music on when working out, so loudly that no-one within a 10 foot radius of his/her headphones can hear anything. Occasionally known to sing along in an atonal warble that could well be mistaken for a crow
The Lyrebird - has no idea what they are doing, and so finds some-one about the same size/shape/whatever and copies them, doing the same exercises and the same weights on the same machines
(please note, I am Australian and so could not think of too many birds that were the equivalent in the US; we'd call the roadrunner the emu, and the bald eagle the wedge-tailed eagle... still, much of a muchness, really)
Here in the US, we're familiar with Australian wildlife - because we have a keen sense of self-preservation and want to know what'll kill us if we visit there. [Narrator: Everything.]
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling  : Try The Lunk: Drinks from a gallon container of water, lifts, then drops, heavy weights, grunts with exertion, wears a tank shirt that shows off too many muscles, tends to look down on others.
...and is explicitly not welcome at Planet Fatness, despite their "no judgement" slogan.
the Wordy Jay  : I lead a fairly active lifestyle but have always avoided the gym — thanks for reminding me why!  Great newsletter 
If not for the gym, I wouldn't exercise - because that would involve venturing *gasp* outside *shudder*
Quick-Quill  : Here's an experience we can all relate to when it comes to signing up with a trainer. [Submitted item: "The Personal Trainer" [13+]]
I tried a personal trainer, once. Until then, I wasn't aware that they had female drill sergeants.
werden :
The Chatter
* Will stand or sit (usually on an empty machine) and chat for thirty minutes
The Meditator
* Will sit on the same machine for thirty minutes and listen to music or just stare into space
Actually, I hope it's an empty machine. Otherwise, that could be quite awkward for the occupant.
Whata SpoonStealer  : Excellent! You're quite the observant Gym-er 
Well, you didn't think I'd spend that time focusing on exercise, did you?
And that's it for me for May - see you next month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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