 Comedy: September 18, 2019 Issue [#9762] |
This week: Loser Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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You know what the secret to weight loss is? Don't eat much.
-Simon Cowell
There's no way to fake weight loss - you just kinda have to not eat.
-Paula Malcomson
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
-Anonymous |
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Whilst on one of my rare ventures into the not-so-great outdoors recently, I crossed paths with a neighbor. Well, when I say "outdoors," I mean the thirty feet or so between my door and my car, so it wasn't so odd to bump into a neighbor.
What was odd was his reaction. "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!"
The reason that's odd is that we're both dudes, and dudes just don't talk about that sort of thing.
"How'd you do it?" he asked. "Keto? Vegan? Crossfit? Tapeworm?"
The answer came to my lips as if rehearsed, but it wasn't: "By removing all the joy from life."
He just laughed. And that's okay; I'm here to make people laugh.
But it's true.
And it got me to thinking about all the downsides of having lost a lot of weight. Which sucks, because I have a ways yet to go.
One negative effect: my clothing budget. Nothing fits anymore. All my favorite t-shirts are hanging off me like yurts. I tried to wear my old jeans, and both legs fit neatly in one... leg-sleeve, or whatever it's called. Leg? That's confusing. "The leg goes into the leg." English, I swear...
I've had to buy all new jeans, shorts, and sweatpants, and I still have more pounds to shed.
Worse, it's not like I can donate my old clothes. Something like 95% of people who lose weight gain it back in a year. That's not long enough for men's clothing to go out of fashion... oh, who am I kidding; the clothes I wear transcend fashion, which is to say I bought them all 12 years ago. It's more accurate to say that they exist outside fashion, much as silence exists outside of music. Point is, not only did I have to spend money on new clothes, and expect to have to do more of that in the future, I need extra storage space to keep the older clothes for future use, or I'll just end up spending money again.
At this point, you might ask, "Why bother losing weight if you're going to be so negative about gaining it back?" First of all, I'm not negative about gaining it back; I'm positive I'll either gain it back or die of starvation first. Second, for the same reason people climb Mount Everest: Because it's there, and they might die on it.
Another downside to weight loss: I had constructed this narrative in my mind that no one wanted to talk to me because I was overweight. Well, no, it turns out that no one wants to talk to me because of my personality. Can't exercise that away, can i?
By far the worst thing, though, is having to stop doing everything that made life worth living.
It's a good thing that exercise improves my mood, or I'd be really depressed about all the happiness I've lost. |
Some items to exercise your sense of humor:
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Last time, in "Divided by a Common Language" , I uncovered more differences between American English and British English.
Quick-Quill  : I laughed at this!! My (UK) friend went shopping for a Jumper for his wife. The wife of the couple that took him to the mall kept holding up what we(USA) call a jumper. Wrong! He holds up a sweater/cardigan and frustrated with her says "This is a jumper, that's a dress!"
The fact they EAT faggots (large meatballs)and Spotted Dick is crazy. I will add that most of what you have written are the American version of slang. We drop words, shorten phrases when we speak. We don't use complete, grammatically correct, sentences when we talk. It's the same in most languages. We understand the gist of what the conversation is about. When writing NEVER write the way you talk! I find it distracting unreadable. Unless it's dialogue and even then, use it for effect not in every sentence. I read a self-published book where one character was either French or Italian. The author wrote his entire dialog phonetically. I-ah wantta you-ah to come-ah fir da-dinnar. I never finished the book.
Good thing he wasn't shopping for "pants."
Joy  : Great Nl, which made me smile...a lot.
On the other foot, that's why I like to read a book by a British, Scottish, Australian, or an Irish writer using an E-Reader with a cover-all dictionary or on my cellphone, both with internet access.
Otherwise, a physical book would need several dictionaries and a huge encyclopedia.  
Some of the first books I read were children's books written by British authors. So, usually, I'm bilingual.
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling  : At least we live on the same planet - hopefully.
For now.
Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  : Hey there, Waltz, "wicked pissa" newsletter! I imagine if you've hung around my neck of the woods you'd find the Boston area speak a bit more puzzling than some of the British ones.  I must thank you, my fellow Comedy Newsletter Editor, you gave me an idea for my upcoming Newsletter.  Thank you also for including my story in the highlights. Cheers Comedy King! 
I've been to Boston a few times, and the accents and verbal idiosyncrasies are really something else. Glad you were inspired!
Whata SpoonStealer  : Love this! England's a trip to live in. Fish & chips done english style? I dream about it... and awake drooling 
I get it. I do. Best fish & chips I've ever had was in a restaurant in Whitby, on the east coast of England. Far as I could tell, they go out and catch the fish in the North Sea in the morning and it's fresh and perfectly cooked for lunch. My only conundrum was: do I tip or not? Culture shock! Now, of course, any other fish & chips pales by comparison.
So that's it for me for September - see you next month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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