telling lies

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When things goes blurry sometimes we often see other people as a guardian angel.
Everything about my life is like that. I didn't know that I was born a woman, but didn't know I was born with a man's heart. I just feel this, still I'm just confused of where should I be right now.
I have never been in love with men, maybe I am a feminist, since I attended all my life, a private institution for girls 'till it's time for me to go to college.
My father have always been somewhere and I beside my only sister who is ten years older than I am, I am the only girl at home, my twin brothers are my playmates and I never like playing with barbie dolls, I love action figures better. My mother was away with my father so much because of business, so I didn't really get close with her. Our nanny is old, she'd talk to me in spanish, but I never understand what she say, other than go to bed, or eat.
At school, I was the craziest girl, I don't get caught, I never wanted them to, everytime I'd snuck a boost from my dad's hidden wine cellar on the ground and put it on my bag, my friends and I would have a sip at lunch, and someone would bring a smoke and we smoke it on the countryside after school.
Then we grow up. The boys would sees us smoking and sipping wine from a bottle. They'd hail to us loud, because they said it's a shame to see us with a nun's girl's-only private school uniform and doing the worst thing in the world.
Then, by and by, the girls would stop doing it anymore. They rather kept to themselves talking about boys and how they are. I never got interested. I grow up thinking neutral about boys, most of these girls at school are just an only child or some have a lot of sisters living with them, I would do everything for a twin sister I never have.
Then one day, my stranger Dad comes home, he thinks that it's best for me to go to college, that I should stop drinking and smoking pot.
"I never smoke pot" I told him
"You better not, I'm sending you to college"
"I don't want to" and I slammed the door on his face
"You will go"
What kind of college would accept a person like me? I didn't know how I got in, but then again, it's all about the money, I could have everything they'd buy for me
Mom and Dad got divorced, Mom moved on and now have three other children and I seldom see her, she kept away since her new family wants her to, Dad become lonely and so kept himself away on his business 24/7 as long as he could have a clean tuxedos to wear then he'd come back again on a limo and then fly off to New York, and then will be gone. Still, I'm tied up to college, Dad hired a body guard for me, or a boy nanny, to keep me going away from school, it's weird.
I'd tell him to get a sandwich but he'd never left. This boy nanny is strict, I could never run away, still my room is my sanctuary, I tell them I don't smoke that often anymore, so that's how they know, no one sees me, cuz I only smoke at my room, I got so mad sometimes I'd put a blade run it on my skin, and drops of blood will dripped on my white pillow.
My twin brothers are now older, they hardly like each other anymore, they are now have different life, one goes out on a date, and one leaves at home doing homework. Dad is still the same, he have everything and since Mom got away the business flourished more and more.
The body guard is now different, the other one retired, but this one is much strict. Even I got guard on my weekends, to kept me from going to jail.
To my electives at college, they'd recommended me to take art. So I took art, and I'd paint.
I'd drew pornification but still an art.
One day, I got a passion and kissed a boy, he's quick and we got on a motel, it was the first time and this boy would do me forever. I have to tell him it's enough and leave the room, still I have to pay for the room myself.
We'd saw each other at school and tried to convince me to be his girlfriend, wrote me dozens of love letters that said he can't keep his mind not thinking of my naked body on top of him, then he'd find a girlfriend and move on.
I took art class again, since I like it, the instructor have now retired and a new one arrives
One time she didn't like what I wrote and told about my creativity about life and pornification, that it's just about people's ambitious mind to be better in sex. She said that I'll be kicked out of the school of what I just said and what I just draw. So I stop doing it, because Dad got told about it and told me to stop it. I have to stop it, and then smoke on my bedroom.
I lie on my bed, thinking how this woman is very offended of what I just said, and kept thinking if she's single and just thinking her like a theory, what's her life like.
So then next morning that we met, I drag her out to tell a little bit about her, she said
"that's not true that I live my life alone, I have a husband" she said
"so your husband never gave you enough love"
"don't you dare talks about my private life, Ms. Ridge!" she scolded
"Love as in Love Mrs. Rollan" I told and explain her
"Roses on the valentines, gifts on Christmas and Anniversary, is it just about his business all the time?" I asked smartly
"Of course he did." she said stammering
"then, that's what I mean."
She then said
"I never thought Miss Ridge that you have a heart of an artist" She smiled to me and blushed a little bit
I looked at her smiled for the first time, she look quite nice with that beautiful smile
Then, I go home and smoke, I opened the window to let the winter breeze come in, I looked up at the ceiling and thinking how a woman should feel without any men, do they feel alone? How other woman feel like? Do they feel empty? do they feel terrible? then suddenly I think of myself, I am a woman, why can't I feel?
Dad knocks on my door, I put the ciggy out of the window
"You smoke" he said sniffing
"Yes" I said not looking directly at his face
"Do you smoke pot?"
"No, I don't have that anymore." I said
He looked at me like he wanted to tell me very important thing
"How's school?" he asked me
"It's fine, I got along with my art teacher, she thinks I have a heart of an artist"
"That's good" he said and then paused
"Do you have anything you want to tell me or ask me Dad?"
"No" he said
"well, then bye" I said to him and closed my eyes
"I'm going to tell you..." he said
I opened my eyes again
"...that no matter what, you're still my family"
"Oh, no, you're going to marry someone didn't you?" I said to him
without saying anything, I took my jacket and stormed out the room, I run downstairs and got out of the cold winter evening.
I start out the car and leave the house,
I was crying while driving then I stopped on a small casino to get a drink
"Coctails" the waitress shout out
"Give me margarita please" I said without not looking
She gave one to me and I gave her a dollar for that
"give me the biggest tallest one you have" I told her and then five minutes later she comes back
A woman wearing a tiny skirt holding a plate went up to me
"Well well, aren't you a little bit young for that?" she said and took away my margaritas
"What do you care about?" I told the voice
"Well, that's because I know you know better than that."
"What's your problem, you're not my mother, wait I don't care even if you are my mother, she doesn't, now give it back to me!" my eyes are just red and I looked up seized the bottle from her hand and then see who she is
"Mrs. Rollan? Professor---I..."
"It's not the right thing to do with your problems you know, there's more better solution for that. Poor thing." She said to me, seeing my red eyes "What had happened to you?"
"My stupid Dad is getting married"
"He hardly had time for us, never been there for me, or here, where is he?"
This time a guard sees us
"Mary?" he said "are we ok here?"
"Yea" she said "It's ok, Dan, here's just a little problem"
"She's too young to be gambling, and Drinking?"
"No, I'm not drinking and I'm not too young" I said
"Well, do you have your ID?"
"No, I don't, I runaway I don't have an ID"
"Well, well."
"It's ok Dan, I'll handle it, I know her" Mrs. Rollan assure Dan and left us
"Let's go, Alice"
"Don't call me that, my name is Cet!"
"Whatever-what?"
"My name is Cet, that's what everyone calls me, my Dad called me Alice all the time they never know me"
"Ok, I'll help u"
"Why do you care?"
"I don't."
"Then, leave me alone. I can do it on my own."
"Do what?"
"Kill my Dad"
"Stop that" she said
"I want to tell him how it hurts so bad, he can't even feel it. I'm so cold I can't feel anything"
"I'll get you a jacket" she said
she off for the night just so to help me
"I have a jacket on my car."
"don't bother, I don't care."
"No, you'll catch neumonia"
She opened the door and got her coat inside
"here" she said and put it on my shoulder
"Thanks" I began to shiver
"Let's get inside the car"
I have a car I parked it on the driveway
"We'll get it tomorrow"
"Where are we going?"
"I think you need a cup of tea or chocolate, it's cold"
"No, I'm fine"
Still she drove us to a cafe, she asks me about my childhood and then she talks about her life, and then we talk about random things and her passion for art, she love art very much and that now I learned that it means a lot for her.
"Art is my sanctuary" she said
"My room is my refuge" I told her
"I came to art gallery and there I saw different paintings, sad faces, crying faces, then happy faces, rebels, everything, it makes me feel good afterwards"
"I go to the countryside and smoke and drink I feel better" I told her
"Art is all about emotions, if you feel outcast if makes you feel not alone of your emotions because this artists who paints these beautiful painting have their share of what I'm going through at the moment" she told me, I can't believe I'm actually listening and understanding of what she was saying
"Why? it seems like you have a big problem."
she paused.
"Do you have children Mrs. Rollan?" I asked her
"No." she told me I looked at her
"Why? don't you like children?"
"No, I mean yes, I love children, it's just..."
"too much headache huh? I remember my mother used to tell us that she'd gone crazy everytime she sees us running around naked on the living room before their party...My parents are always busy talking to important people, I don't think they'd allowed parents to have kids like them, cuz they have a money for us, but not the thing that we always dreamed and wanted, we cannot have none"
"Love" she said
"yea. I bet you have lots of those, that's why you never had children Mrs. Rollan, don't you"
she smiled to me like she kept a hurt feelings inside
"It doesn't matter Mrs. Rollan, children is always going to be handful. Look! it's snowing!" I changed the subject
"oh, yeah, how wonderful" we then talked about snow and white christmas and then it's almost morning we almost forgot,
"It's two o'clock"
"Your husband, maybe he's looking for you"
"I doubt it." she said
"why not?"
"We're divorced and separated for three months now"
"Oh, I'm sorry about that" I told her
"I'm fine, let's go home"
"I don't want to go home yet Mrs. Rollan, I don't think I'm ready yet, I wanted my Dad to think I'd runaway for good, that way he'll understand what it feels like and how it means for me, what he just did"
"ok, you're welcome to stay at my house"
"yay!"
"Just until tomorrow, you shouldn't let him think you runaway for good, because then maybe he'll search you out and post your face on the post, do you want that?"
"No, that's horrible."
"Let's go home" she then took my hand
Her house is nice and big, but too big for one woman
"Oh, you have a fireplace too."
"I do."
"can you lit it up?"
"Of course"
"It's not electric doesn't it?" I asked her
"oh, no, it's a natural fireplace runs with coals"
"we always have electrical fireplace, I hated that."
She lit up the fireplace and then get some marshmallow and we do some smores
"Can I have a sip?" I asked her
"just a sip" she approved, when I found a bottle of wine near the bath tub, but I drank more and she drank more of it, we didn't know that it's too much alchohol that we've been drinking there's about three bottles that we finished,
"Where's the bed?" I told her I can't find my feet, we lay down on the bed and I saw her stripping out to her pajamas
"I don't have a pajamas" I told her
"you don't?" she asked me in a drunken way
"Then in that case, we'll sleep both naked"
She took out her pajama and now just wearing underwear
"Took out your clothes" she said her eyes half close "go on" she said in a drunk voice
I took out and stripped down my underwear I feel like it's just normal after three bottles of strong wines
"It's ok, come here let's get in the cover it's cold"
So I went and then of the drunkness she hugged me like a pillow and kissed my forehead
"Good night" she said and closed her eyes
"good night" I said to her back
The night falls down and then it seems like the room is spinning I have to get up and go.
I threw up, still my head keeps spinning
She woke up and tried to give me comfort but I feel like I'm going to die, the room keeps spinning and all I see are blurry figures, I looked at her, there's two of her, I don't know which one I could reach up to, so I grabbed both figures and then fell down, she got a tylenol and give it to me, my head keeps spinning, then I threw up, my stomach is aching and my throat is all worn out from it.
She put me in the bed and lay there, she's like a mother, she's there for me, she gives me comfort and sings "frerer Jacques" a french lullaby she lay there for me and got a towel to wipe down my sweaty forehead and kissed me on my cheeks "it's ok she said"
I was thinking I'm going to die, I'd cried but she runs her fingers in my cheeks
"It's ok" she said "you'll be fine"
She said "you'll be fine"
The next thing I know, she screamed and then blood rushing from my mouth, I heard the sirens of ambulance and I saw nurses and white lights everywhere
"Is she going to be fine?" a man's voice I heard
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" a woman's voice said
sobbing
"How much did you give her?" scolded the man
"look at her, my daughter, she's dying!"
"Please Mr. Ridge" another man's voice saying
"I'm sorry, truly am." she said
"I'm fine, Daddy..." I said reaching out
"Daddy, I'm fine Daddy, I'm fine"
He cried and said
"My daughter"
"Daddy" I hugged him
"Where's Mommy?"
Then the nurse take me to the room and put something on my mouth that I couldn't say anything, then I fall asleep
The next morning I woke up and saw Dad beside my bed, half asleep
"Dad?" I called him
He awoken at my voice and then cried again
"Alice! I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry"
"Where's Mrs. Rollan?"
"She..."
"Dad? where is she?"
"I want to see her, please"
She came to my room and feel ashamed I told her not to be, and feel that way, it's my fault, that she didn't do anything but to save my life
I thanked her of what she did, and then I notice that I was going to be on my bed for a week. They told me I had a seizure and I was dying when I came to the hospital but I live.
This is the end of story, I can't think of anything sorry.