Holy Spaghetti Monster Strikes Again

Dean turned on the t.v. with a flick of the remote as he plopped down on the couch. The evening news was on and a short fat boy with his mouth covered with red sauce was being interviewed.

"Yeah! I was eating my spaghetti when a fat zombie lookin' dude came into the kitchen and stole my spaghetti. He growled at me and scared me so bad I almost peed my pants."

"This is KRJY reporter Dan Fleming coming to you live from the crime scene. Local authorities are urging everyone to be on the lookout for a suspect dressed like a chef and wearing makeup to appear like a zombie. The man could be in his late fifties with a brown mustache. He appears to be about five feet nine inches tall and is a portly two hundred and fifty pounds. While the suspect does not appear to be dangerous he has been terrifying small children and stealing their spaghetti. Now, back to you Stacy."

The scene changes to a News Room with anchor Stacy Welch going into a story about a local politician cought at a local night club.

"Wow! That's weird as heck," thought Dean.

Dean dipped his fork down deep into his bowl of Spaghetti and Meatballs and practically inhaled the delicious pasta. He slirped in the last remaining noodle and was just about to dip his fork again when something slid down over his head and began to smother him. He lost consciousness and his bowl dropped to the floor spilling spaghetti and tomatoe sauce all over the carpet.

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The CSI unit was busy taking pictures of the crime scene and gathering evidence. The teenage boy was identified as Dean Mathers. He was an average student and played on the high school baseball team. He had been rushed to the hospital as a precautionary matter. He had been home alone at the time of the incedent.

Lt. Baker strolled up to one of the female agents with a stern look on his face.

"It's just as we expected. All of the cans of spaghetti are missing. The mother said there should have been at least six large cans left but there are none in the cupboard."

"I found this stuck to the empty bowl and the bowl looks as if it's been licked clean but we did get some fingerprints."

The female agent handed the Lt. a sticker that looked like it had been peeled from a spaghetti can. It was a Chef Bouyardee Spaghetti and Meatball label.

"Maybe he's trying to tell us something?" spoke the Lt. with a puzzled look on his face.

One of the younger agents walked up to the Lt. with an evidence bag in his hand.

"I found this in the back yard chief."

It was a large tin can with the label missing and the can was completely clean inside and out. Not a drop of tomatoe sauce left.

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Commissioner Harry Gordon pulled his very last strand of hair from the top of his head and bellowed.

"You mean to tell me that my top agents working around the clock can't make a single breakthrough in this case?"

"I'm sorry comminssioner but the fingerprints only match up with the victims and all the DNA samples are coming up negative in our database. In fact, the few samples we were able to discover turned out to be dead tissue."

"Thanks Lt. That will be all. I'll hold a press conference in the morning."

Lt. Baker closed the door behind him and left the commissioner brooding over the case results. It was time to take more positive action. Harry got up from his desk and walked over to his wall safe, punched in a combination on an electronic keyboard and opened the safe. He pulled out a small steel strongbox and unlocked it with a key from his keyring. Inside the strongbox was another key. He took the key and used it to unlock the secret door behind his bookshelf. On the other side of the secret door was small room completely empty except for a lever on the far wall. The commissioner pulled down the lever. On top of the Precienct building a large search light came on shining brightly into the night sky. The image of a hunched black cat was in the center of the circle of light. It could be seen for hundreds of miles displayed on the clouds.

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Wayne McFayne was reading the evening paper when his young ward Derrick Trace came running into the study.

"It's the Cat Signal Wayne," he exclaimed.

"To the Cat Box Derrick," cried Wayne.

Wayne squeezed the buttocks of a small statue of Venus and a secret panel opened in the far wall. They both ran to the opening and slid down two poles. When they reached the bottom of the poles they were in costume. Wayne was in black satin with cats claws, ears and a mask. Derrick was in a cream colored satin with silvery feathers for ears, eyebrows, and a mask. They jumped into the Cat Mobile and sped to the Gothic City Police Headquarters.

When they arrived at headquarters Commissioner Gordon was flabergasted.

"Thank heavens you are here Catman. I've reached the end of my rope on this case," spoke Harry.

"Do not ever fear commissionear. Catman and Pidgeon are hear."

"That's a fo' shizzle Catman," cried Pidgeon the Boy Blunder.

"Any further developments on the Spaghetti incidents?" inquired Catman.

As the commissioner was about to speak the Chief of Police burst through the door.

"We have another incident taking place as we speek over on the corner of This and That Street. It's the Corner Market, Drug, Grocery, Sporting Good, Tobacco, Liqour Emporium," cried the Chief.

"Holy Walmart Catman!" exclaimed Pidgeon.

"Let us get going old chum. Time is of the essence and we may be able to catch the culprit red handed. Maybe even red mouthed with tamatoe sauce," smirked Catman.

They ran down to the Cat Mobile and sped away into the night burning rubber.

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There was a horde of people storming out of the Corner Market, Drug, Grocery, Sporting Good, Tobacco, Liquor Emporium in all directions. The screams were echoing up and down the street and one old lady ran hysterically down That street toward the bad side of town. A man stopped her and asked: "What's goin' on lady? Is it the spaghetti monster?"

"NO!" she replied. "The Chip N Dale Male Strippers are at the Little Ol' Nursing Home for one night only and I am late," she cried as she banged the man on the head with her home made knitted purse.

Catman and Pidgeon screached to a halt outside the Emporium and jumped out of the Cat Mobile as the last of the customers came rushing out.

"It's a Chef zombie!", cried one man.

"Yeah! It looks like Chef Bouyardee himself come back from the dead," cried a woman.

They darted into the Emporium and made their way to the canned goods. As they entered the aisle there were numerous empty spaghetti cans scattered along the floor but there was noone else to be seen.

"Holy Spaghetti Monster Catman!" exclaimed Pidgeon

"That is right old chum. From the extreme exiting of the customers and the remains of these empty spaghetti cans I can logically deduce that the Spaghetti Monster has definately been here," spoke Catman proudly.

"A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-gh!"

"A scream Catman. It came from that doorway overthere. If the Spaghetti Monster is back there this is gonna be off the phizzle for shizzle. I got yo back bro!"

Catman and Pidgeon dashed through the doorway to the stock room. They emerged in total darkness.

"Use the Catlights Pidgeon."

They both flicked on their catlights and the beams struck the back of a short fat man dressed in a Chef's coat and hat. The fat man whirled around and exposed the decaying face of the famous Chef Bouyardee. He laughed maniacly and flung empty cans at our dynamic duo.

Catman dodged a can but Pidgeon was not so lucky. He was struck square in the face with a can that still had some tomatoe sauce and zombie slobber on it. The hellish mixture burned his eyes and smothered his nostril.

"Help Catman!"

"You will be alright old chum. Just use the Catdrops," cried Catman.

Pidgeon removed a small plastic container of eyedrops and tried to clear his eyes. Everytime he squeezed the vial it meowed.

"I am Chef Bouyardee!" roared the zombie. "And I will destroy you. Ha! Ha! Ha!"

As Catman pounced at the zombie the Chef vomited a wave of rotten tamatoe sauce mixed with maggots and bile. Catman dodged and flipped through the air and landed where the zombie chef should have been but he was gone. His costume was disintegrating where the vile vomit struck him. Luckily it was only the small section in front of his groin.

Catman did a double take and felt the acid penetrate his Catboxers. He flipped backward and hissed and spat while rubbing his burning weewee. Pidgeon finally got all the sauce out of his eyes and ran to Catman.

"Holy sausage friction Catman! We don't have time for you to get yo' freak on."

"I assure you Pidgeon that I am not trying to get my freak on. This tomatoe sauce is laced with zombie stomach acid."

Pidgeon reached into his utility belt and pulled out another small spray canister and sprayed Catman's groin.

"The Cataseltzer spray should take care of that."

"Thanks old chum I was afraid I was going to lose Mr. Winky."

"We'll be ready for it next time homey."

The Spaghetti Monster, a.k.a Chef Zombie, a.k.a. Chef Bouyardee living dead was nowhere to be found. It was if he had vanished into thin air. They heard a moaning sound from under a pile of boxes. They quickly shoved the boxes away and found a middle aged man in a blue business suit. They helped him up and dusted off his suit.

"Holy immaculately dressed businessman Catman!" bellowed Pidgeon. "Are you alright sir."

"Why yes, my dear boy. I think I am all in one piece," responded the man.

Catman felt the fine texture of the blazer and asked, "Is that Armani?"

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"The man found in the back of the stock room at the Emporium was identified as Thomas Ferral, the CEO of Italiano American Inc. The company produces the second most popular canned spaghetti in the country. In a statement, Mr. Ferral said that he had been kidnapped by the Spaghetti Monster and had his life threatened. We go to live footage of Mr. Ferral's interview," prompted the young field reporter Janice Austin.

The commissioner, police chief, Catman, and Pidgeon were watching the broadcast in Harry's office. The scene switched to Thomas Ferral outside the commissioner's office.

"I was fearing for my life the whole time. He's some kind of supernatural zombie monster or something. He said one thing to me while he had me trapped. He said that he will not stop until all the Chef Bouyardee Spaghetti is gone and anyone who gets in his way would be disposed of. There's no way I would purchase or keep in stock any of that spaghetti," spoke Mr. Ferral nervously.

Commissioner Gordon switched off the t.v. and looked to Catman.

"We're already getting reports that the grocery stores and markets are disposing of all the canned Chef Bouyardee spaghetti. There's also a report that the public has gone into a panic and they're disposing of the canned spaghetti as well."

"I think I have a plan commissioner but it will involve the cooperation of the media and Gothic City Museum. I am going to lay a trap for the Spaghetti Monster," spoke Catman.

"Holy brain farts Catman! I can't think of anything to say," cried Pidgeon.

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All the major t.v. networks, including some cable networks, carried a story concerning the delivery of a truckload of rare Chef Bouyardee spaghetti to the Gothic City Museum. The canned spaghetti was reported to be the last remaining cans from the original production of Chef Bouyardee's spaghetti recipe.

The truck pulled up to the rear entrance of the Gothic City Museum. There was only the driver and one guard. They unloaded the case of canned spaghetti and wheeled it into the rear entrance. There was a display case set up for the cans and several dignitaries and Museum Reps were milling around the display as the case was brought over. The delivery men set the case down and then went back to their truck.

The museum reps arranged the cans on the display and then covered them with the glass casing. All around the room were several other displays. There were suits of medieval armor, paintings, sculptures, and rare jewels. After the display was finished the museum reps left the room, activated the alarm system, and shut off the lights.

As soon as the room was consumed in silence and darkness one of the suits of armor stepped down from the pedastal and tore loose the pieces of armor. It was the Spaghetti Monster. It shambled over to the display case for the spaghetti and raised it's fist high and then sent it crashing down on the glass.

Glass shattered everywhere and the alarm went off. Just as the the Chef was about to stuff the cans into a leather sack down came a black net and engulfed him. The Chef struggled to free himself and vomited the strange mixture of stomach acid and tomatoe sauce. The net was beginning to dissolve.

Catman and Pidgeon came from out of nowhere ready to pounce on the Chef. As the remains of the net fell apart the Chef stood up and growled at the Dynamic Duo.

"You'll never catch me you dingcat. And as for you Boy Blunder, I'll strip your feathers clean off."

The Chef was about to lunge for Pidgeon when Catman shouted.
"Now Pidgeon!"

Catman and Pidgeon simultaneously drew a weapon from their utility belts and squeezed the triggers. The weapons sprayed the Chef with huge globs of creamed cheese. In a matter of seconds the Chef was covered head to toe with the creamy stinky cheese.

"Oh no! Not limburger," screamed the Chef as the last of the cheese covered his shoulders. He couldn't move.

The police arrived along with the commissioner and police chief. Reporters flooded into the museum to get the scoop. They all circled around the Chef as Catman stepped up to the captured Spaghetti Monster.

"He's horrible," gasped Commissioner Gordon

"How is this possible?" cried one reporter

"Not is all as it seems," exclaimed Catman.

Catman grabbed the top of the Chef hat and tugged straight up. Not only did the hat come off but a rubber mask as well.

Everyone gasped then spoke in unison.

"Thomas Ferral!"

"Yes, Thomas Ferral of the Italiano American company. You see Mr. Ferral was trying to discredit Chef Bouyardee Spaghetti so his own company's canned spaghetti would increase sales. I figured it out back at the Emporium when I noticed Mr Ferral had a drop of tomatoe sauce on the corner of his mouth. Why would he take the time to eat spaghetti if he was kidnapped and how did the Spaghetti Monster disappear into thin air?" deduced Catman.

"Yeah! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't have been for you two medling lucky morons," cried Thomas.

"Holy Sooby Doo Catman!" exclaimed Pidgeon.