Illegal Cornmeal....

Author's note: In order to truly appreciate the inner workings of this poem, a reader may require the definition of 'illegal cornmeal'. Basically, illegal cormeal is all the crap that goes into low-end dog food and treats. Probably more livestock fur than cormeal, but in any case, it ain't good for your pet. This particular incident occured one steamy June night in 2004, and the poem was written moments later as I composed an email to my recently-turned-Albertan friend Tamara. I hope you enjoy the story.


Illegal Cornmeal and the Red Milkbone Theory

Twas the middle o' the night and all through the city,
Everyone with multiple dogs did take pity
For my boyfriend and I, the previous day,
Both of us were gone at work all day

Whilst we were gone, the dogs they hung out
Nes had the whole house, while the girls, they did pout
For trapped in the tiniest kitchen were they
With only their bones and their toys for to play

Hungry and lonely, they devised such a plot
And my, I do say, the lesson they were taught
They broke in to the kibble, and the milkbone box too,
And consumed a lot more than their fair share of food

Then at 1:20 am, there arose such a splatter
I jumped out of my bed to see what was the matter
And what to my wondering eyes should I see
But puke, vomit and bile, and some diarrhe'

Poor Vezzer, poor Twig, those dogs looked so glum
To have illegal cornmeal coming out of both mouth and bum
To say they looked guilty does not even come close
I think they knew their mess was the crowning of gross

I pulled out my bucket, tore open my cleaner
After a day or two of fasting, I'm sure they'll look leaner,
Little balloon bellies, to me did express
In the morning there'd be even more of a mess

With 2 kilograms of milkbones, safe in their tummies
All colours were eaten; most had been yummy
I expected to see a rainbow of poo
But most was the traditional brown smelly goo

If you ever suspect that your dogs you can trust
Remember this night (I'll send pics if I must)
Seal all of your cupboards, and your cookie jars too
To avoid all this hassle that I have gone through

Perhaps here tonight a lesson was learned
Nevermore for milkbones will these two dogs yearn
Their over-comsumption proved such a fright
That nightmares and bellyaches kept them up all night

Hopefully I hope, will this story end
With a clean kitchen in the morning and two dogs on the mend
And the promise that once I am through this ordeal
I won't buy anymore products with illegal cormeal

(c) Erin English 2004