Once There, Now Gone

Once There, Now Gone
                                                 By AJ Peaslee
                                       Dedicated to my good friend Evan, and his fiance Jenna

“Someone has to put the food on the table, someone has to keep this roof over our heads, and someone needs to keep things going smoothly.”

Those were the thoughts that plagued Evan VanOrsdell’s mind as he looked at the prescription bottle on the kitchen table. The pills that floated inside the orange casing were called Ritalin. To some people it was medicine, to some it was just a drug, but for Evan it was a tiny bit of hope. Those little things would bring in some money, much needed money. Evan didn’t want to sell them, it was the last thing he wanted to do. But it was easy money that they desperately needed. He didn’t care much for his own well being, it was the girl that sat next to him with her flowing blonde waves of hair and crystalline eyes that he cared for.
Her name was Jenna, the girl that had captured Evan’s heart. What he felt for her was no school yard romance or a high school fling, no, this emotion he felt was the kind that was near impossible to describe in written language.
Love would be the motivation that pushed him to come to this decision, and if it was for Love, then it was for the greater good.

Evan had gotten home from work not that long ago from the China King. It was a good job, but it simply didn’t bring in enough cash. He could have gotten another job, but it would have been hard with him going to school as well. He would have had no free time; it would have been work, school, work, sleep. It never would have ended and Evan knew this.

“Things are really hard right now; we need this money to keep things going. I want to make sure that you and I have everything we need.” Evan softly spoke to Jenna.

Jenna leans over the table and kisses him on the lips. The explosion he feels for just one second is enough to make him feel pure nirvana. She looks into his eyes and he gazes into hers. If you were to take a picture at that very instant, you would know what Love is. They had dated for some time, and the feelings grew deeper and deeper and stronger like a roaring fire. They felt it so strongly, that they became engaged. What more needed to be shown or said? You can’t put pure Love into words, you can just see it.

The apartment wasn’t huge, and it was glamorous. It was just right; it was a cozy little place for two people to settle down in for awhile. A place where two love birds could rest their wings. The kitchen was small but neat, all the normal things you would see. There was a room full of music, guitars, keyboards, and various other instruments filled the room’s corners along with a computer and TV.
The other room was the bedroom. It had a nice sized bed and various trinkets of dragons, fairies and unicorns.
The apartment was indeed nice, it was home. This place was what Evan needed to hang on to for the time being. If he could keep this place, keep food in the refrigerator and have money hold the bills back, he was happy. He was happy for himself, but happier that Jenna had what she needed.

Evan went into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of a familiar face. He had very short black hair, but he was wishing it was long again. He had somewhat of a stubble around his cheeks that lead to his goatee. He stroked it for a quick moment and decided that a trim was in order later.
Evan walked back out of the bathroom and passed through the kitchen and into the small hallway. His destination was the room that held his guitar; he was in the mood to play. As he passed his bedroom he suddenly stopped and turned. He looked into the room to see Jenna lying on the bed, looking comfortable and relaxed. Evan went in and laid down next to her as she turned to face him. Evan felt the smoothness of her hand slide up his arm and around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her and they held each other close. Evan closed his eyes on the world, in peace and in love.

This was before Friday, before the bad times, before the dark times…..

Friday night hit that week. It was a normal sunny filled day. Spring had come and slew the winter that had wrapped the small state of Maine in an icy sheet.
Everyone was going outside with their friends, dogs and lovers to get a chance to finally walk around outdoors.

Jenna was going to go to a party at a friend’s house. Evan wasn’t going with her, but he would miss her until she came back to him. Inside her purse was the small bottle filled with hope, the money bringer. She was going to bring that money home.

At the party drinks went about, which was commonplace at most parties, and people just gathered in social circles talking about whatever came to mind. Jenna was having a good time, just talking with whoever came about and enjoying herself. Two young men walked up to her, their names were Paul and Robert. Looking at these two would have given you no hint as to what they were planning, they looked like normal people.

“You got any Ritalin? We want some…..” They ask in a hesitant tone.

“Yeah….I got some of those.” Jenna replied back to the question.

The small capsules of hope worked. They brought in that much needed money. They did what they were expected to do. Things were beginning to look up, things may finally get easier. The two guys left and the party continued. Jenna eventually left and everything died down……

“Yeah, she sold us the Ritalin. We just thought you should know. She is a dealer.” Paul and Rob squeal to the man in blue.

They told the cops about the little pills of hope. They ran and told them like a little tattle tale kid in first grade. They were just looking to get someone into trouble. Those two were worse off; they were doing things that should have landed them in cuffs. But the police don’t care, they never do. They like the rats; they can get an easy grip on “coke heads and dope fiends” that way.  They could have gotten the two for the purchase, but no. They never care about that, they want the source, and they want the place of origin.

Evan and Jenna are just driving through the small town of Boothbay minding their own business. They hold hands while going down the road. They pass some elderly people walking down the sidewalk and they wave to some people they know. It was a bright sunny day, and everything was simply grand.

“I wish there was a way I could express my Love in a deeper form to her, just to show her how much she means to me, how big of a place she has in my heart.” Evan thinks to himself while clutching the steering wheel.

The sound of a cop siren breaks up their hands and they look in the mirror to see a white cruiser chasing them down. Evan pulls over and officer Jodie Lewis gets out, who happens to be the worst cop on the force. Crooked cop defines him well, he has been known to deal and smoke cocaine, and that’s just one of many things on his pathetic resume.

Evan keeps very calm, he is used to having to deal with Jodie. He likes to pick on teenagers and fuck with them a bit. Evan shows no fear and cowardice toward Jodie and prepares to step out of the car. Jodie comes over and doesn’t even ask for his license and registration, he just tells him to get out with his hands up. Evan cooperates and steps out of the car. Jodie gets up into Evan’s face.

“Boy, your eyes are so dilated, they are smaller than the tip of my pen. What drug have you taken?” Jodie barks in Evan’s face. He instantly assumes Evan is drugged out.

“Nothing Jodie, nothing at all. I could say the same about your eyes though.” Evan snaps back at him.

Jodie stomps off in a fit and goes back to the cruiser. The other officer with him handcuffs Evan, and then Jenna. They both get tossed into the cruiser and sit baffled by what has happened. Evan’s stomach starts to feel sick, he doesn’t know what to do or think. Jenna looks like she wants to cry, but she is doing her best to hold it back. Evan feels even sicker after seeing her in this state and realizing there is not much he can do about it.

They go through the usual deal, they go to the station and get a long talk about what happened and why. They are told what the two kids did, and get told they are looking at serious trouble.
And everything was going so well…..

Later on that day, Evan finds himself sitting in a cell that reeks of piss and some other wretched smell. The bed is nothing much, a slab with a blanket and pillow. It’s Hell manifested in the form of a room. The wall behind him stops him from the one thing he wishes he had, Jenna.

“A fucking wall….that’s all it is. A god dammed wall separates me from my love. And there is nothing I can do about it.” Evan screams inside his head.

His eyes fill with tears and they begin to pour out. He doesn’t understand why things have to be this way, why things HAD to be this way. All he wanted to do was make a living, a place for him and his fiancé. Was that so much to ask for in a country that tells you that “you have the right to pursue happiness?” A place that calls itself freedom?
Evan didn’t know what to think, he was saddened by the thought that he was so close to Jenna, but at the same time so far. His face felt swelled and it began to hurt from the pain he felt inside. Evan lay on the bed knowing sleep was impossible. The howls of the mentally unstable and the cries of raging inmates would surely keep his eyes open. His emotions lets go even more…..the only thing he had to comfort himself was a photo of him and Jenna, the only that that kept his will and strength going. He gripped it tightly in his fist and stared at it, trying to block out the inmates’ screams and the cops’ rude behavior. They were very unprofessional. They just ran around like five year olds. One of them would go to the bathroom and come out saying “Don’t go in there for awhile” while another just told Evan to fuck off. They treated him like he was a murderer. Was trying to keep your loved ones close and happy such a sin and crime? Was it so evil to try and keep a roof over your head and a meal on the table? Maybe selling pills was wrong, and not the best choice.
But when it comes down to living in a house, with all the basic needs and doing all you can to keep your dearest happy and safe, how far would you go? What would you do? The cops never asked themselves that question, those rat bastard kids didn’t, and the judge he would be seeing probably wouldn’t either. His hope was the jury.

Evan continued to weep and wallow in sorrow the entire night, he was scared and confused. The tears continued to fall; they rolled down his cheek and into his lips and goatee. His face shook with sadness, and his body froze from the coldness of the damp cell.

“Was Jenna alright? Was she holding up okay? Was she safe? Did she want to break that wall down as much as I do?” Evan asked himself quietly out loud.

He was deeply concerned about her; he didn’t know how she was holding up, how she was at all. He just wanted to grab her tightly and hold her, hold her and tell her that everything was alright. He wanted to smell her, feel her hair run through his fingers, the heat from her body. He was more concerned for her than himself; he would have been fine knowing he was rotting alive as long as she was out of this man made Hell. This was a place he never wanted to see, a place he never wanted to be in. So young and hopeless….

The next day Evan finally got the chance to call someone. His grandparents heard his story and they said they would come to bail him out. But, there was yet another wall stopping him.

“2000 dollars is the price to make bail.” the fat man in blue stated.

They were getting him for “Aggravated Drug Dealing.” The thing Evan didn’t get was the aggravated part.

“What the hell did that mean? Yeah, we dealt drugs….but aggravated? What was that meant to be?” Evan searched for the answer in his mind.

Evan’s grandparents couldn’t do it, they couldn’t pay it. They left wishing they could have been more helpful, and they saw their grandson fade away into the dark halls of steel bars and rampaging men. What hope Evan had hung on to just faded.

“Did something have something against him? Was it so wrong to just make sure your lover was in good health? Why did those two kids have to randomly go to the cops? What did life have against me?!” Evan scrambled through questions.

Evan learned that his aunt had bailed him out. When the officer came in, he asked him if he could just see Jenna for one second before they took him out.
The officer pulled him over to the cell and he saw his angel. Tears poured down her cheeks and her faced swelled with sadness and fear. She looked like someone that had just escaped from Hell and realized she was there and back again. She was shouting and crying to the point where Evan wanted to knock the cop off and save her. In Evan’s eyes it was all in a bizarre slow motion type of speed. All he could hear was her cries, his heartbeat and the scuffle of his shoes against the pavement.
The officer began to drag him off and Evan had to forcefully watch his love disappear in a storm of tears and shouts. The image alone made him depressed and shaky, but the thought that she was there alone made him curse at the skies. He couldn’t erase that vision; it taunted and dug at him whenever he thought about her.

It was soon after this that he called me and wanted me to hear his story and help him get stuff from the apartment. I went with him and when I saw him, I could feel the sadness rolling off him. His skin had grown pale, his eyes sunk in and his voice was that of a lonely man. He told me the whole story on the way to his home. As he did so, I wished there was something I could do, something to take this pain away. At a few points in his tale, I almost felt like shedding a tear. 

He dropped me off and I told him I would be here for him if he needed me, and he said he would keep me posted on what was going on. I got home and dwelled on the whole ordeal for some time. I asked myself one question:

“If the only way you could keep your love from having to lose it all was to do something you knew was bad, would you do it? Would you do whatever it took to keep your lover safe, fed, warm, and happy?”

I told myself yes, indeed I would. Selling a drug is illegal, but is it not a worse crime to not follow your heart? To make sure your loved ones are alright and have what they need?
The truth is, he did something that many people never will, and he made a sacrifice to make damn sure that that woman he loved would be safe and happy. Some people would have gone a whole different path. They would have said the hell with the house, the hell with trying to keep your loved ones fed, and the hell with it all.
Evan did what he thought was right, the only thing he felt he could do. The only thing that THEY could do.
How far would you go to make sure your loved ones were safe, fed, warm and happy when there was little to no options?

                                                           +AJP+