Farmer Johnson

Farmer Johnson's Time Travelling Rubber Trousers
(That In Fact Do Not Travel Through Time)

         One day a small horseradish that lived in Farmer Johnson's garden set up a small market place just outside Dudley that sold a wide variety of carrots.  However, this displeased Farmer Johnson greatly and so after putting his packet of instant mash into the microwave he decided to put on his angry rubber trousers that when he walked made a sound like someone saying 'Thursday'.
         One day Farmer Johnson was outside Dudley glancing at a small market place run by a small horseradish that specialised in selling a wide variety of carrots.  He delved into his vegetable disguise kit and in the blink of an eye, he was Morris...the dancing horseradish.  Moon walking his way over to the small market place that specialised in selling a wide variety of carrots, the cunningly disguised farmer was informed by the small horseradish that his dancing was in fact of a manner that displeased him due to his pro-racist and leftist extreme horseradish gestures.  This annoyed Farmer Johnson to the extent that he felt compelled to expose his angry rubber trousers that when made a sound when he walked like someone saying 'Thursday'.  Upon noticing these trousers the small horseradish that specialised in selling a wide variety of carrots in a market place just outside of Dudley, was reminded of an ancient prophecy handed down through each horseradish generation that the chosen one who bears the rubber trousers that made a sound when he walked like someone saying 'Thursday' would venture forth; deep into a lost and dangerous valley...The Valley Of The Hindu Teaspoons only spoken of in legend that contained The Golden Carrot Of Time.  It did not escape the small horseradish's notice that the aforesaid Golden Carrot Of Time would bring great financial security as selling a wide variety of carrots in a small market place just outside Dudley which was probably not the best career choice he had ever made. 
         It was this point in time that the small horseradish summoned up the courage to ask Farmer Johnson to run his little errand but before he could finish his proposal Farmer Johnson appeared to suffer a minor pain in his chest, although this was caused by the fact that he had eaten a lentil and bean sandwich garnished with asparagus too hastily, in his rush to complete his morning exercise in the allotted time that would grant him a place in the Dudley Farmer Olympics, a small yet surprisingly competitive rural event, and was not as the small horseradish that specialised in selling a wide variety of carrots in a small market place just outside of Dudley first suspected...a small yet fatal heart attack.  Farmer Johnson accepted his fate and set out alone, with only his trusty magic wand and a small inflatable plastic whale as travelling companions.  It wasn't long before he reached a large ostrich called Peter, who directed him using a peculiar mix of Braille and morse code to The Valley Of The Hindu Teaspoons where he spoke of Jeff The Wonder Plug, as the story went, Jeff had once been a plug on the heart monitor in a well-known hospital that specialised in treating fish with severe burns.  One day he fused and a small fish lost his life due to Jeff's failure and so he retreated to The Valley Of Recreation beyond the bridge of sexual deviance, which happened to be surprisingly and coincidently close to The Valley Of The Hindu Teaspoons.
         Farmer Johnson left the ostrich feeling strangely aroused and set out to meet Jeff The Wonder Plug.  Three long, arduous weeks passed and Farmer Johnson decided to set out.  Five minutes later he met Jeff and they both travelled together to The Valley Of The Hindu Teaspoons.
Upon reaching the Valley, they realised that it wasn't so much a valley as a small rundown hut just outside of Dudley with three teaspoons sellotaped to the door alongside a chalkboard sign that read, "Valley of the Hindu Teaspoons." in a small child's writing. After an extensive conversation about doorbells, they decided to enter the small hut. As they entered they saw the Golden Carrot of time on a small oak table in front of them. Next to it was a secret message written in a code so secret that only the person that wrote it could possibly understand it. But conveniently Farmer Johnson had written it only moments before, it read, "Don't forget to pick up the golden carrot of time...Farmer Johnson." Following the exact instructions carefully written on the sign, Farmer Johnson leaned over and picked up the Golden Carrot of Time. After caressing the Carrot of Time for quite some time, he placed the carrot into his trousers and swung his hips in a very rhythmic motion, when he realised Jeff was watching him, and enquiring as to what he was doing with the Carrot of Time, Farmer Johnson immediately pretended to be a large wooden kettle who spoke fluent Spanish. In a weak attempt to cover his tracks Farmer Johnson, said "Por supones de garles de paquete de flan instantento?" Luckily Jeff also spoke fluent Spanish and replied, "No I would not like a packet of instant custard".
    It was at this point a small child of asian origin ran through the door with a bleeding lip crying "I've just been physically assaulted by a large hirsute gentleman with a strong German accent, in fact he was 5"9, short cropped side parting, brownie, blacky, blondish hair with two wooden legs, an eye-patch, speech problem, monocle, top hat that was spray painted luminous purple and also had a full mouth of wooden teeth." To which Farmer Johnson replied "Sorry I don't speak Japanese."
    It was at this point, the small Asian child removed his teeth in one fell swoop to reveal a beak, he was in fact Peter the Ostrich. He then revealed to Farmer Johnson that he was in disguise and his story was in fact a well-rehearsed fabrication, In order to Cossack dance Farmer Johnson into a trance, convincing him he was a T.V weather girl while he stole the Carrot of Time. (It was at this point Farmer Johnson's microwave went "Bing" and his instant Smash was ready). Peter the Ostrich suddenly knelt down and without any further ado burst into a lengthy and well co-ordinated spasm of Cossack dancing. The hypnotic movement of the ostriches vast array of tassels convinced Farmer Johnson that he was a T.V weather girl, immediately his I.Q dropped by 73 points, and he began moving his hands slowly up and down whilst blatantly staring at and reading off an autocue. (Supplied by Jeff... and his 13amp fuse). During this time Farmer Johnson was in a state of stark and perpetual idiocy. The ostrich took his opportunity to delve into Farmer Johnson's trousers and remove the Golden Carrot of Time and then took off at his top speed of 40mph (which is about average for a fully developed African male ostrich).
    As the ostrich departed Farmer Johnson snapped out of his trance and regained his original I.Q of 79. Farmer Johnson immediately noticed the swiftly departing ostrich, which Farmer Johnson judged to be running at roughly 40mph. Farmer Johnson quickly realised that he was a farmer, and therefore was only capable of maintaining a 10mph jog for a period of ten seconds. Also his accomplice Jeff was a plug and as such had no legs.
    Farmer Johnson stood in thought for several minutes and finally realised that they were at quite a disadvantage. Farmer Johnson had an idea and clicked his heels together three times whilst chanting "There's no place like home" much like in the film "The Wizard Of Oz" and although Farmer Johnson was indeed wearing the sparkly red shoes trimmed with sequins illustrated in the film (and not a pair of scruffy hobnailed boots as you would have probably preconceived). All he succeeded in achieving was scuffing his newly bought stilettos and so the ostrich was still way ahead of them.
    Luckily, the heavy snow that Farmer Johnson had not noticed up until now, left very blatant and obvious ostrich shaped tracks that led over the hills and far away. They kept going until they reached a phenomenally large dark and foreboding castle, which they walked around until they reached a small run down cottage in the middle of an open field populated entirely by ostrich.
As they approached the cottage, Farmer Johnson began to notice how cold and dark it was, this prompted him to open his eyes and get dressed. Suddenly and for no good reason, Jeff related a story about an insane individual called Gordon, who was convinced he ruled the world from inside his isolated cottage which was located in the middle of a field full of Ostrich which were under his command and which he used to run errands occasionally involving the stealing of vegetable related artefacts.
         Farmer Johnson pondered this for a moment and then, thinking the story was completely inconsequential, continued through the field of Ostrich towards the isolated cottage. As they opened the door, they saw a burlesque and sinister looking individual wearing a heavy suit of armour and wielding a sceptre much like the one David Bowie possessed in the cult 80's fantasy adventure, Labyrinth.
         Upon noticing the intruders through his visually restrictive helmet with built in veil, Gordon made a desperate attempt to hide both his copy of Vogue and his very recently received fax of his court summons from the producers of Labyrinth for copyright infringement, between the pillows of his throne Ironically the stool then collapsed, further humiliating the trainee master of Darkness.
         In an attempt to redeem himself, he quickly removed his pink mittens, ballerina costume and crocheted bobble hat his grandmother had knitted for him, and stood up, and in a booming voice (aided by a voice synthesizer to hide his Glaswegian accent.) that cut through the air like a ladle through an anvil, proclaimed:” I AM GORDON, Commander Of Massive Peculiar Legions Ever Terrorizing The Enemies, Bastion of the Ages of Sin and Turbulent Anarchy of Retributional Darkness, To my enemies C.O.M.P.L.E.T.E. B.A.S.T.A.R.D."
As if in a bid to show off his amazing powers Gordon swiftly unleashed his Bird of Evilry or, chirpy yellow canary that circled Gordon’s head while its owner laughed wildly, almost as if he were achieving something. Upon closer inspection, Farmer Johnson realised that the canary was in fact a cheap Childs toy attached to a piece of string although Gordon frantically denied this but kept laughing to build up his confidence.
Whilst Gordon had been laughing wildly in order to build up his confidence as his plastic canary buzzed above him, Farmer Johnson was fortunate enough to notice the Golden Carrot of Time sitting on a shelf near the door, completely unguarded. He stole the carrot and shelf and made haste back to the marketplace just outside Dudley run by a small horseradish that specialised in selling a wide variety of carrots.
As they were halfway through the field of Ostrich, they realised they were being pursued by a pursuer in the form of Gordon, who was riding a small Childs tricycle complete with basket, stabilisers and a small bell that when pressed played Happy Birthday in a high pitched tone. The tricycle was drawn by a fleet of brightly coloured Ostrich, travelling at 15mph, which is the average speed for a tricycle being drawn by a fleet of ostrich across open ground. Up ahead, Farmer Johnson could see a small river, and saw the opportunity to lose Gordon, as his tricycle was of a non-amphibious nature.
Farmer Johnson quickly whipped out his………inflatable whale and, using the shelf as a makeshift oar quickly crossed the river, leaving Gordon cursing on the other side.
Upon arriving back at the marketplace, Farmer Johnson realised that the horseradish had accomplished very little in the way of aiding the adventurers and so he decided to keep the Golden Carrot of time for himself, he used the carrot to travel backwards in time every week to win the lottery. Although one day he tried to emulate the opening credits to Disney’s Duck tales by leaping headfirst into a pile of coins, but only succeeded in cracking his head and dislocating his face as he missed the pile of coins altogether as he in fact did not own a large pile of coins. Following this incident Farmer Johnson wished for everyone to call him Reginald Forthright the 12th and he demanded to be fed prawns on an hourly basis, He lived till the ripe old age of 143 when he killed himself over a bet he had made (he bet his close friend Timothy that he would be dead by his 144th birthday)
Gordon however, now writes the fashion articles in Vogue magazine and promotes animal rights over the Internet.
The horseradish who once ran a small marketplace just outside Dudley tat specialised in selling a wide variety of carrots was never seen again but lived on in evil legends whispered over campfires on stormy nights in Blackpool.
Jeff however now stars in low-key porno flicks under the sudername of Trousers McGinty
John The Peacock, never appeared in this story,
And finally, Peter the Ostrich, after several months of complaints that his disappearance from the story went unexplained finally began his own magazine for the abolition of all things cliché in short stories such as stereotypicalities and cliché sayings such as “One day” and “The End”

                                                           THE END