Getting her Through the Break- Up

Helping Her Through a Break-up
By Erika Haehl


Through the good times and the bad, I will always there for her as she’ll be therefore me. Best friends for life one minute, the next, I will want to kill her. Only I am be allowed to beat the crud out of her, if anyone even looks at her funny, I am ready to defend her if the need arises. She makes me laugh, she makes me cry. The trials of sisterhood are plenty! But in the end she will always be my closet friend, no one else can even compare. So when I see her hurting, I want to make the person who caused it a deal of suffering. The thing is, I can’t always be there, and the first time this happened I felt helpless. The hardest time in our relationship was when she receives her first broken heart. She acted as if she hated everyone around her, including me and her attitude will change on the hour. I felt as if I was losing my sister in slow degrees. I had to feel my way through it, I made some good moves, and others… well lets just say, I am lucky to still be alive today. If you’re a big sister, I promise you’ll have to get through a battlefield when your little sister receives her first broken heart. Thankfully I came up with a process that will get us all through the horrors of a break up, which in the end it will make the sister bond even tighter.
Now, your first instinct will be to tell her to hold it in so he doesn’t receive the satisfaction of her tears. The problem with this is she will never let it go until she cries. Now, I am not talking a few sniffles here and a few tears there. No. She needs to have a gut wrenching cry filled with anguish and despair. This cry may cause a stomach ache, but this a good sign. It means her heart is accepting the loss. It may take her awhile to get to the point of allowing the tears, so you have to encourage them. The sooner she cries, the easier it is to cope with her loss and move on. Every free second you need to gently remind her that it is truly a good thing to let the tears flow. When she finally cries, hold her and tell her that she’ll get past the pain and everything will be okay. It is helpful to let her lay on your lap so you can play with her hair to relax her. This is also effective when it comes to preventing her from hyperventilating. You can slap her in the face without stopping the soothing motion of your hand.
The biggest mistake you can make is thinking that because she has cried she will stop moping around. This is not something to be allowed. You just have to be prepared for it in order to stop it. She is still hurting so she will tend to snap at others, insult people to make her feel better, and wear a frown as her best accessory. The best way to get past this phase is to be straight forward with her. If she yells at you, calmly remind her that she is mad at (insert name here) not you. She wants to fight and you must avoid this at all cost. These fights often are harmful to the relationship long term. You both will say things you don’t mean, and you will open huge gaping wounds that even if they heal there will always be a scar. She isn’t thinking rationally so that is your job. If you find it is too much to reply calmly, don’t be afraid to simply walk away. Remember you can always come back when you finish cooling off. This way you can avoid the huge fight that will be sure to come.
We all think laughter is something that is easy to come by, yet with a heart broken, all the tings that came easily before is now a chore. As sisters we should encourage them to laugh. Say things you know will at least make them smile, because you can’t laugh with out a smile. No corny knock-knock jokes though. I made this fatal flaw and my sister nearly tore me apart because it was so easy to tell that my goal was to make her laugh. Try instead to tell a funny story you heard or saw recently. I always remind my sister that when she was little she was my little baby doll that I dragged around. This scenario has such a funny mental picture that even a person with a broken heart has to laugh. Yet, if all else fails just say something so off the wall that people can’t help but laugh. This should at least gain you a smile, if not, ask people who she knows and loves for help. They more than likely will. You also need to remember to try to be happy around her. You can’t expect anyone else to smile unless you’re smiling. If you tried all this and still are not able to get a laugh from her initiate a tickle war. When I say war, I mean war. She will more than likely not want to be ticked and will fight it. The thing is, no one is able to avoid laughing when being tickled. My sister hated me for two hours because I made her laugh during a tickle war, but the two hours of ‘hatred’ was worth the talk we had later. The thing is, my sister actually began to live again, and that was the goal all along.
The thing about friends, is they are always there when your ready, or in our case, when our sisters are ready. This means we should surround her with her friends. If you’re close in age this is a much easier task. With my sister Cassie, who is only seventeen months younger than me, I just had a double sleepover, inviting my friends while she invited her own. This showed her friends that she was willing to open their lines of communications. With my thirteen year old sister Stephanie, it was much harder to get her to allow her friends back in her life after her crush choose another girl. So factoring the age differences is the first step. If you are not close in age, you’ll have to go to her friends and work that way. However, whatever you do, don’t tell her to go to her friends because this will upset her and she’ll refuse them longer just to prove a point. This is a horrid thing to have happen. It will take her twice as long to get over him if this happens, so avoid it at all cost! Instead go to her friends. Tell them that your sister is in need of as many friends she needs and they need to surround her. Though some friends will reject you, the good friends will do as you say. Again I must warn you, this may not work but it is the best chance you have.
Memories are both pleasant and painful, so you have to be careful about bringing this into view. It is not always a good idea either, but sometimes it really helps with the healing process. You need to know your sister, and how her relationship with her ex went before you start talking about ‘them’. My sister had a great relationship with her ex, it just wasn’t where God wanted her to be at the time so she broke it off even though it hurt. In this case it was okay to bring him and their relationship memories to her. If you decide to bring it up you need to decide when she is ready. This should not happen the day after the break up or even close to this day. This has to be thought out and rehearsed so you can do it as gently as possible. You should be ready for her to reject this idea and have a plan to change conversation immediately. Again this step depends on the person, if you feel she should talk, do all you can to encourage her to share but be prepared for the tears.
So when you see the signs of a broken heart, remember that you need to encourage her to cry, play tough guy, surround her with friends, and if needed, relive the memories with her. This is a hard and trying process but in the end you will have your sister back, and you will be closer than ever. Through out the process you need to remember above all other to love her. Though not included in the process it is the most important rule. Without love, nothing is conquered!