Letters From a Broken Heart: Chapter 1

"Lee, get out of the car." Her mother ordered her.

"You can't make me go there, mom" Lee pleaded with her mother, "shrinks are for crazy people, there's nothing wrong with me!"

"I can make you and I will." her mother said, "If you don't get out of the car and got to the psychiatrist's office, I will take away your computer" she threatened.

"But Mom, that's like my lifeline!" She begged, "I already never get to see my friends, I should at least get to talk to them!"

"You will, but you have to go to your appointment first." she said, "You only have to try it for a month, if it still doesn't do anything for you, you can stop." She reasoned.

"Fine, but I guarantee, after a month, I'm not gonna be doing that anymore." Lee agreed and got out of the car. She closed the door a little harder than needed, just to let her mom know this wasn't OK with her. Once in the psychiatrist's office, she slumped down in the chair and waited for her "shrink" to show up. To her disappointment, she did.

"Hello, you must be Lee Snyder," she said with a smile on her face that made Lee want to punch her. When she realized Lee wasn't going to respond to this, she put her hand out and introduced herself. "I'm Miss Nolan, but you can call me Ann." Again, she got no response from Lee, only an exasperated expression. Once she got a sigh, but that was the most she got the whole session.

"Well, our time is up," Miss Nolan announced, still cheery, "I will see you next week." Lee got up and headed towards the door, then said to Lee "Oh, and Lee, you're going to be here anyway, you might as well do something, think about that."

The next week, Lee was a little less reluctant to go to her appointment, but she wouldn't let he mom know that. She put up the same scene she did the last time, refusing to get out of the car, but this time she didn't slam her door, and walked at a normal pace to the front door. She walked into the office and sat down to wait for Miss Nolan. She noticed this time how stuffy the room was and how it smelled strongly of lilacs. She liked lilacs, but hated it when it was over powering, especially in a place she didn't particularly want to be. She came into the room ten minutes after Lee's original appointment, flustered and out of breath.

"I am so sorry, I totally forgot about our appointment." She apologized, and sat down with a huff. "So am I just wasting my time being here, or are we actually going to do something?" She asked, with the kind of tenderness in her voice a mother has when she has to take charge.

Lee slouched down in her seat and blew her hair out of her face. "I guess I'm willing to cooperate, my mom is paying for this," she said, submissively, wishing she could be anywhere in the world other than here.

"So, what has been bothering you lately?" Miss Nolan asked, completely interested.

Lee wanted to say that she had to go therapy because her mom was way too over-protective, but instead she told Miss Nolan the story of Clark. "He was once one of my good friends, but then he seemed to just fade away, and I have no idea why, I really liked him." She said, then looked down ate her nails, embarrassed she had just said that out loud, "but i have never really told anyone that, or admitted it to myself." She was suddenly glad her mother made her come.

"Write a letter." She said as she handed over a piece of lined paper and a pencil.

"What?" She asked, stunned, and just stared at the blank paper in her hand.

"Write a letter to Clark, write down everything you feel, and want to say to him, but don't have the courage to. It'll make you feel better, I promise." she encouraged.

"Alright," Lee said, skeptically. "Dear Clark," she wrote, then paused not sure what else to write, but then it all just came out of her and onto the paper:

Dear Clark

I walk down the hall, and I see you, but you don't see me, you refuse to see me. I still don't understand what happened between us, we were such good friends. Maybe it was that time I told you I liked you, but that was so long ago, you had to have known I was over you by now. I remember that day like it was yesterday, sometimes I wish I could take it back, other times I'm glad I did it.
I was online talking with Todd, and he had been trying to convince me to tell you I liked you.

"Just tell him already, what's the worst that could happen?" he asked me.

"Alright, alright" I told him, as I prepared to tell you, "I can't," I told him as I winced.

"Want me to do it for you?" he asked me, taking the role of my big brother, which he always took, even though he's not that much older than me.

"OK, I trust you." I said, then suddenly felt like a loser for asking my best friend to tell a guy I like him, "Wait!" I said, I'll do it" I switched to your screen, took a deep breath, then typed it in. My finger hovered over the "send" button, I closed my eyes, and hit send. I felt like I had just jumped off a cliff and was free falling, waiting to hit the ground. Finally, I heard the beeping noise alerting me that I had a new message. I opened my eyes and looked. You didn't shut me down, so I didn't feel so bad, you just kind of shook it off, played it cool, so I though you were ok with it.

A few days later I went to camp and didn't talk to you for six weeks, and when I came back I found out you had a girlfriend. We were still friends though, atleast I thought we were. We went to the movies together, with Erin, Alex, Danielle, and Corrissa, your girlfriend, but we still had fun, and you still talked to me then.

I think we started to break apart about three weeks into school, I'm not really sure when you and Corrissa broke up, or when you started liking Sarah, but I'm guessing it was around that time, you never actually told me. I didn't really mind at first, you were never really, the talkative type, so I didn't really think anything of it. I still liked you, I just told everyone I was over you, hoping that saying it enough times would make it true. I knew i wasn't right for you. You're athletic, smart, tall, with amazing blond hair, and piercing blue eyes, and I am just, well, me. I'm short, for starters, the only sport I do is swim team, I would never even dream about running, my eyes aren't even a color anyone could describe, and my hair is just plain old brown. We may be different from each other, but not the right different that would ever work out.

Eventually I convinced myself that things would never change between us, but I still thought about you all the time. I used to cry about you at night and hate myself for not being good enough for you. You used to make me feel like shit when I would try to talk to you and you would just ignore me, but I never used to blame you for it. I always thought you were a great guy, one I didn't deserve. It took me a while to figure out I was wrong about you. You are a cool person, but you're not all that great.

I moved on and started doing other things that would keep my mind off of you. I guess you didn't know Sarah and I were best friends, but we have gotten even closer. We talk about you often, and I've been trying to convince her to go out with you, because she likes you, a lot. Don't worry, I never told her what happened between us, she still thinks we're good friends. Many people think we're still good friends, I don't know why, we never even stand within three feet of each other, but that doesn't matter to me anymore. You are no longer a part of my life, and I am glad.

Sincerely,
Lee

"There," Lee said, as she dropped the pencil. "That's exactly what I'd say to him, if I had the balls to." she added saucily.

"Now, you know that kind of negative attitude is what gets you in trouble," Miss Nolan, Lee's psychiatrist, pointed out. She folded her hands neatly in her lap. She was wearing a burgendy skirt that went below her knees and a white button up blouse. Her long blond hair was pulled up into a tight bun on the back of her head. She looked serious, but had soft features and a very calming voice, which made her a perfect psychiatrist. "Now what?" She asked politely.

"I don't know." Lee said, and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She had never been very comfortable around people she didn't know that well, she always felt like they were judging her. "Aren't you supposed to be telling me? You are the shrink here," she said, a little more coldly than necessary. She obviously didn't want to be there, but her mom threatened to take away her computer if she didn't go.

"Where we go from here is up to you." Miss Nolan answered, still just as polite. She was used to angry teenagers, but her kindness just made Lee even more angry. Miss Nolan was the kind of person she would like, is she wasn't forced to go here. She looked at Lee, waiting for her response.

"Well," Lee said, suddenly aware of what she was wearing, dirty, ripped jeans and a t-shirt that was meant to look like the Hamburgler. She loved these clothes, but she felt self conscience sitting next someone who, in her eyes, was so pretty and perfect. She let out a sigh, "The first step to recovering is admitting you have a problem, right?"

"You could say that," Miss Nolan agreed, hoping they were getting somewhere.

"Well, then I guess you could say I have a problem." Lee finally admitted.

"Good, then that's where we'll start off next week." She said as she wrote down in her notebook.

"Alright then, I'll see you next week." Lee said, glad that was finally over. She grabbed her coat and left the small, stuffy room that smelled like lilacs.