Left Path

“Have you ever noticed how decisions make chain reactions?” I did, because of me, and my stupidity, my mother is forced to make the hardest decision of her- and my- life. If only I could go back in time, but that is quite impossible, wouldn’t you say? I wish I could turn back now, but the hole I’ve dug myself into is too large; perhaps I’ll just take a trip down memory lane, and if anything, this has taught me a lesson. Even if it was much too late.

“He’s what?!?” A woman cried out, how I longed to reach forward, touch her hand, tell her it will be alright.

“I’m sorry ma’am. You have to understand, if we keep him on life support, he’ll be nothing more then a living vegetable. The brain damage was immense, and it is highly unlikely that he can recuperate from it.” Was he talking about me? The doctor’s talking about me. Am I dead? No; near dead. So what happened to make me like this? Maybe I chose the wrong friends, or maybe it was just my immoral decision. I looked back to the motionless body; the body I had spent so many years trying to ‘perfect’. Little did I know that nothing was ever faultless in the eyes of others; there were always flaws. Looking at the wounds and bruises that littered my beautifully carved body made my heart weep. How stupid I had been, I wished I could take it back.

“Please, is there anyway? Any way at all.” The tears streaming down her face cause me to cry. I want to call out and tell her; one more time; that I love her. “Mom, please, stop crying, it hurts me to see you like this.” I stepped away from her. I tried to look away; it was like a horror movie, the more you wanted to look away, you just couldn’t. I watched her hold a book to her chest. As I walked up to see the book I gasped, it was my album, pictures from my entire life. I looked at her face; it was tired, worn, and filled with sorrow. I traced her face with my hand, wishing to go back in time; to when I was young, curious, but safe.

I knew there was nothing I can do and as I walked out the door, I wished I knew how this came about.

Leaving the hospital was astounding for me. I was restricted to that building for much too long. Should my mother choose to unhook me; well, I want to know what happened first, it wasn’t long ago. The gossip is probably still clinging to every ear of my high school. I skip down the road, a large grin creeping its way across my face. It was nice not to agonize for once. No peer pressure. Nobody can judge you if they can’t see you.

I have to admit thought, it’s incredibly weird to walk down a street, and have no one meet your eye.

“I-I wish I had stopped Tobi, I should’ve stopped him!” Turning to hear Kiara’s voice, my heart shattered her voice touched my ears. The poor girl, so unstable. I never meant to hurt her. I felt a sob arise in my throat. I love her; she shouldn’t do this to herself.

“Be happy hun, please don’t cry. Please.” I reached for her, and stroked her arm, knowing she couldn’t see, hear, or feel me. Touching her, it gave me a rush of emotion; a memory.

***

“Tobi! C’mon man! You have to come to this party; it’s going to be off the hook. All the coolest people are going to be there.” Anthony’s voice rang in my ears. I looked at him incredulously.

“I dunno Ant. I mean, no chaperone, nothing. You know how out of hand the people in our class are. I really don’t-” Of course he would disrupt me; I of all people know that.

“C’mon, it’s going to be the best time of our lives, you know it is.” I shook my head, hesitant. “Tobi, seriously dude. You can come right? You’re just kidding.” I thought about it, if I didn’t go, I would be the loser. I couldn’t be the loser, besides; Kiara was going to be there. Right? What could it hurt?

“Ya, I’ll go.”

I walked home in a reverie, tonight was the party, and I wasn’t ready. I assembled my thoughts and walked in the house.

“Mom!?! I’m going to a party tonight! It’s at Joey’s house!” I called up the stairs as I climbed them, two at a time. My patience grew thin as the hours climbed by. My mother had given me permission to go. It was my own thoughts that had me worried. Most people say; go with your gut feeling. Do most people know that peer pressure messes up your gut feeling? I highly doubt it.

I walked in the party, my heart hammering as the music boomed loudly, ringing in my ears.

“Tobi!” I turned as I just barely heard my name being called. Anthony stood at the door holding his drink in his hands. I grinned wildly and laughed.

“Ant?” I scratched the back of my neck sheepishly and side stepped to see Kiara. She greeted me with a hug, and a smile that could shatter any ounce of insecurity in my mind. She was the reason I was here. At this party I had oh so feared. I remember drinking, a lot. Then; it’s just a blur.

“Tobi! Please don’t go!” Kiara screamed at me as I headed to the door. I stumbled a few steps, wasn’t it evident that I was drunk? Why won’t they stop me?!? Don’t they know the consequences? No. I don’t even know the consequences.

I wavered in the driver’s seat and dipped back and forth. I looked out the window and yelled.

“I love you baby!” I pressed my foot on the gas and pulled out of my parking spot. I don’t know how my driving was. I couldn’t tell, but I highly doubt it was anything good. The flashing of headlights got me the most. They plowed down the road, like I wasn’t there. Next thing I know, I’m looking at my limp body in a ditch, blood staining everything.
***

As I came back to reality I stepped back, I- I chose to go because my friends wanted me to. What’s wrong with me? What could it hurt? It hurt everything! Everything… One decision, it just lost me everything. I shook my head and backed away from Kiara.

“I-I’m sorry Kiara, I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” I turned away from her tears and ran down the road.

I looked back once. It took all self-control that I had not to turn back around and try to comfort her. She was my best friend, my love. She was perfect, but she’d move on. She had to, not for me, but for herself. It was unhealthy to dwell on the past; she’d learn that, she would.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done this. I should’ve let it rest. I could’ve lived in peace; no; I couldn’t have. I ran towards the hospital, and as I broke through the doors I realized, I was like that girl last year, the one who died of bulimia. I had always thought she was stupid. Obviously making yourself throw up was going to kill you. She chose to die. But didn’t I do the exact same thing?

I saw my mother once more, her eyes stained with tears. I wanted to tell her to let me go. It was time to let got, for me to let go, for her to let go. I’d be better off, and so would she. I saw her nodding and I cringed. This was it. It was all over for me. I succumbed to peer pressure, and because of that I drank, because of that I was stupid enough to drive, because of that, I was thrown into a comatose state, because of that, my mother had to kill me. I wish I had gone right, instead of left. I looked once more to my mother.

“Goodbye mom. I love you. I wish I hadn’t left this decision up to you.” I watched as they pulled the plug, and I looked to the limp body of the teenager and as I felt myself fading off the world, I wished I hadn’t arbitrarily chosen death.