julia

such sorrow

i feel...                                                                                            lost

under a grey and cold sky
                                    just beyond its edge
i fall into the nothing

and i see the snow coming                                      down slowly
as the loneliness condenses
into
                    beautiful                crystallized
                                                                              mirrors

reflecting a dull landscape
sketched by god himself                                                                            it feels dry in here

beyond reality
                    but reality to me
tastes like a hard                                                  cement wall
that stretches out and blends the shaded figures
rising into the clouded                                                                          mist

they are my friends
they stand and listen                                forever
never changing
never moving
always            paying              homage              to my                      window

their red and glowing lights
pulsing endlessly into the cold night
as they sit and listen to the blowing of the winter wind

howling                  moaning
wishing for warmth
but never warming                              anything
i feel their cold biting  bitterness

their silent watchful eyes                                                                judging me
testing my                          perseverance
tasting my                          fringed flesh
with their hungry
empty eyes

how can I resist?                                                        How may I serve thee.
with soft skin
and naked loyalty
cast into you’re thorny embrace.                                        I am loved!

by the dead and wondering trees
growing just beyond my door
speaking in slow                              whispers
hushed by the wind.

and now my thoughts are aimlessly regressing
flowing into an empty recess
                                                                          regret?...                                                  no

I’ve never regretted anything,                                                              but
I can help but think
that somewhere                                                      i got lost within that endless grey expanse
                              and never returned

i wondered forever
searching for a                          boy who had
also lost his way                                                                                              he stood

                                                                                            beyond the edge
gazing into that same silent                abyss
never blinking, eyes half closed

i could see his breath
but he wasn’t cold                                              in fact
he was warn within my gaze

                                                                                          as i embraced him with my sad smile
i blinked and he was gone again
but instead there was an echooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

creativity would find us again
but my love was all                        whispers
promises taken like pills                                    All for joy
all for satisfaction                                                                          but
never was my apatite filled
even after I had taken his soul
and left a broken shell behind
that was really a reflection of              myself

so I really
                                  in the end
I devoured my own
heart                                                                                      and cast my youth aside


I ate myself.
the one i only ever truly                                loved