Back to Black

I didn’t want to leave the house... Everyone had plans which I refused to pinch in. I just wanted to be left home alone, to my thoughts and tears. My misery reached its limit as the sun declared the day as Saturday! We linked so many memories to that day and its night that it’s really hard not to remember.

Drenched in my sorrow I sat alone in my living room, waiting for the last person, to leave the house... All of a sudden, I had a phone call.. Its one of the rare times that my friend's husband calls me... They are planning for a Saturday evening and insisted on my company. He said one word that stroked me so hard, LONELY!!! Under the pressure I agreed to go, I just thought that it’s dangerous when everyone is away, I’d go easily to my thoughts and tears... I’d go back to black...

Half an hour later I was sitting in my friend's car, on the back seat... I could easily read the silent happiness in their eyes. They were content that after several months of them trying, I agreed on going out with them for a Saturday night. I sat there, in my own circle of darkness and all what I can see through my window is the clear sky and the radiant moon.

Oh, mighty moon, can you lift me up to you!??  You seem to be a jolly place to live on, away from all the troubles and disappointments. Take me, because I lost my viable reason to thrive on this planet. I extended my arm out of the cracked window, and I could feel the cold breeze pulling it back... But I couldn’t retreat; I could see your smile drawn so clearly on that moon’s surface calling me so loudly. I reached up so high with my arm, but none was there to pull me out... Tears collected in my eyes, and I just realized that no one was there to take my hand... I looked at my reflection on the glass, and I didn’t like what I saw... I saw my gloomy sad face with two rivers running down my cheeks... You went back to your destined place on the moon and I went back to black... 

It’s really fine during the day, when Im acting busy... I run around just to stop thinking about thinking... But when the day is over and my mind seizes to rest, a new heartache squeezes under my chest, and your face never leaves my dreams. Soaked in my soul, you swim so freely and deliberately. I pour myself into yours and my eyes flood out.. Under the moonlight I wake up alone and realize that Im back to black..

We said goodbye with no words.. Without you, I died a hundred times. I broke the no more tears promise...I couldn’t help it...  I cried for you on the bathroom floor.. I cried endlessly!! It really doesn’t matter who truly stuck the knife first, what matters is what lies ahead of us. I cheated myself like I knew I would... I believed that my happy moments are to last for ever... But I was mistaken. My dreams shattered to thousand pieces like a piece of mirror, broken on a hard surface. Once, I knew that love is a losing game.. Love is a fate resigned.. Sometimes I wish I never played... But so many times, I wish I had my game to begun ages before... Unfortunately, my game ended and all of a sudden Im way back to black...

As we kissed goodbye the sun went down, you took the day and now Im gone... It really hurts to be left outside alone, and all what you can do is gaze at other’s happiness through a small fissure in the wall. But what really hurts the most is being able to see that faint ray of light at the end of the tunnel, and can do nothing to grasp. It’s like waving a glass of water from a distance to a dying man in a burning desert, and yet he has no ability to reach for it. And so under my dark shadow, my tears dry on their own and I deeply know that I’m back to black...

         I know that I shouldn’t still love you nor say that word. I know that I should leave you behind and keep on walking through the valley of my life... I know that life doesn’t stop at one disappointment and a heart break... I know that I have lots of love running through my veins waiting to be given away... I know, I should keep on seizing opportunities... I know that I should move on... I know... But I’m a woman in love and always will be hopelessly devoted to you... That’s why, Im back to black!!