Mother & Pain

Shit! I scream at the top of my lungs as I get into my car. I feel so stupid, so lost and so sad. I beat the steering wheel in frustration. Starting the car I speed away from my house. The one time I decide to trust my family, the one time I let my guard down my most precious item is taken. My dead mothers favorite necklace. All I did was wash my face, went upstairs to grab a towel and nothing. But the sad thing is I did not notice right then, only when I was going out the door this morning did I look for my necklace. Only then did I realize it was missing. All over again I am plunged into the self-hating routine. Why? Why did I have to lose my mother, why do I have to cry everytime something of hers disappears. I have lost almost everything from moving fifteen times, from people stealing from me, from family breaking things in anger. All I have left is 20 pictures, her favorite necklace and her leather jacket. Now I was minus another item. I speed down the highway cursing life at the top of my lungs.

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. We were at S's house, she was my mothers best friend. I was having fun with the kids there but I did not want my mother to leave.

"Mom, please don't go." I pleaded with her standing on the porch.

She smiled at me and responded "A. it will be ok. I just need to go out and do something. You just stay here with S it will be fine."

I started to cry, "Mom please don't go, I feel really bad and I dont want you to go."

Frustration took over her words, "A! I cannot base my life off of people's feelings!"
I hated making my mom mad so I just stopped, yet I would not understand what she meant then until much later in life.

Had I known where she was going I know I would have done anything to stop her. Even if it meant me getting hurt just so she would stay. We had left the abuser AP. about a year ago, it was after years of beatings and pain. We were doing great without him and I hated that man with more fury than was capable for my small age of 8. He made me fear everything, even the simpleness of playing in my room was a moment of pain for me now. I was afraid of everyone, one of the jumpiest children you would ever see.

Years later I read the police reports, tears streaming down my face. An arguement occured at the bar she had met AP at, they got into a fight and then took it out to the parking lot. He stole her keys and tried to drive away in her car, she got in as he drove away from the bar. She was so worried about getting the keys from him that she did not even close the door, he push her out and continued to drive. My poor mother was dragged for a mile and a half because she had her seatbelt partially on. He stopped for some reason and my mom had just enough strength to pull herself out of the seatbelt before he drove away again.Yet she did not have the strength to pull her self out of the road, she was hit by another car about 20 minutes later. The woman pulled a hit and run. She was found almost an hour by another person, they called the ambulence. Rushed to the hospital she was on life support for two weeks before the doctors determinded that she would never be able to live without it. Poor as we were we could not afford to keep her alive nor would it be humane to make her suffer in limbo. So on May 8th 1997 my grandmother pulled the plug and my mom was gone within minutes. Had I known I would have done anything to stop her from going.

I am jealous of everyone that has a mother, I am jealous of everyone that has that person to talk to. When I am sad or need advice I talk to pictures, hoping in vain that they respond in her voice. At night when I sleep, nightmares plague me, I lose her once again. She won't ever be there, and what I miss the most is her smile. That smile that would make me laugh in glee as a little girl. The smile that now haunts me in my sleep. How long before I lose everything of her? Even my memories have faded, like old pictures they lose ther color as each year passes. The most important years of my life are missing my mother. Teenage when I went through hell with boys and came home angry at the world, that smile would have lifted my mood. When I graduated, that smile would show me how proud she was of me. When things went sour with my first boyfriend after 5 years, that smile would have saved me so many tears. As I struggle through this life, there will be those times where I just wish for that smile to get me through the day. On my wedding day I know the pain will come again, just like when my first child is born that hurt that tortures me will resurface. After 13 years I still break just like I did as a little girl, I'll drive for hours today, spend hours crying and screaming, yet I know I must face it. I know once the tears cease to fall in my lap that I will push the pain back into its hallow grave. There it will sit waiting for a moment when it can spring forth and bring torture once again.
I am jealous of everyone that has a mother. I am a lonely child that still crys for her mother at night.