Moonlight and Monarchs

Moonlight and Monarchs

At my age how could this happen?
Hindsight requires me to blame myself.
As a young widow I knew everything, had a plan.
My husband of 18 years past away of a massive heart attack at 41 years old.
The father of two sons
It was my decision and vision to move to Texas to escape the long Minnesota winters.
It was my dream to move to Texas one day, I had my chance, I took it.
My best friend lives in Texas she encouraged us to come and try it.
Upon arriving the three of us looked for a new home, we found a lovely home and settled in.
At that time money didn't seem to be a problem. After all, I had money from the sale of our home in Minnesota and a tidy sum in my 401k.
Over the last 13 years - everything has dwindled and I find myself in a low paying job.
With no hope for the future.
I did everything correctly, I had a job when I arrived in Texas.
My first mistake - I enrolled in a private college
Graduating at the top of my class with a 3.8 GPA, I secured and good job with a high end furniture store.
and began paying back my school loan.
I became restless with my new job, I searched the local paper for a exciting job.
As luck would have it I found what I believed to be the ideal job with a trade show group supporting two equine trade shows, doesn't every girl want to work with horses.
Then the group was purchased by a Denmark company and didn't find that our trade shows were worth keeping, we were all laid off.
By this time the economy was slowing, the jobs were not out there as they were in the resent past.
My girl friend came to the rescue with a lead, I was once again employed. For three years all was well, then one day the my direct boss called me in - she said "We are restructuring the marketing department and need your salary for the change" Once again on the street.
By this time the job market has gone, from plentiful to few and far between.
I picked up numerous part time jobs in varied fields.
The hardest place I've ever worked was Ikea - it's like being at the state fair everyday. More people in one place then should be allowed.
The local park - front desk - beautiful and wild
A past co-workers online company - funstufffordogs.com - interesting learning -developing seasonal gifts and baskets was right up my alley.
Today I am employed at a Christian retailer. By the grace of god.

However - during these times I have spent everything I had. I'm scared
Now at the age of 54 - I'm broke
I wonder how I will make it.
I've managed to raise two boys to manhood. They are off on their own now. Seems they look the other way when I'm in need, I don't remember having that option.
I've already gone to my parents for help, I can't keep going back.
I don't know how to be an adult anymore, I'm as scared as a child.

Every year I watch for the monarchs to leave on their migration north and mark another year of survival
when I see them return I realize I hadn't made any progress. I'm further behind then I was when they left.
I wonder how many years I will mark this event.
To worry about the future is painful.
People believe I am independent and socially isolated, they have no idea that I'm not able to have them over for social gatherings, they don't know I don't go to gatherings because I can't spend the extra gas to get there. They believe I don't like holidays because I'm a scrooge, the truth is I can't help and give the way I used to. I'm embarrassed.
I'm not able to afford to keep my clothes up to date, my shoes are ragged, make-up is gone.

In two weeks my youngest son will be getting married, I have been completely excluded from this event, do to the fact that I am an embarrassment to his bride.
I live in a house that was built in 1935, the up-keep is impossible.
The house is full of old stuff, my current husband's mother was a hoarder, saved everything that she touched. EVERYTHING.
The house is falling apart - electric out of code, water pipes broken, no air or heating unit
We started to empty out the house, we had the local charity come with their truck, we filled it.
Filled a large roll off dumpster, still there remains a full house.