Dear John Letter

Dear Beloved John,
That horrible sufferable woman! I hate and despise her! How dare she think that I owe anything! Just because I married the man she divorced does not make me liable for her unpaid debts! Now this stupid debt collector keeps calling at all hours of the night, harassing me and threatening me with falafel. FALAFEL OF ALL THINGS, JOHN! There is no divine justice, only torment. A falafel-filled world of torment. Oh, and terrible debt collectors who ruin my life because of your wife! Oh how I would love to stab her with a chef’s knife! Never mind the fact that I am a man, and this is a writing prompt! You must go forth, John, to defend me from the evil debt collector of falafel and doom. After that, I’ve hired an assassin to take care of your wife. I know that ten thousand dollars was for little Jimmy’s college career, but matriarchal oppression is worth every penny. He’ll thank me later. Probably through a plexiglass window, but sacrifices must be made to keep this imaginary family alive. Now I must be to bed. With the solemn promise that I will never eat falafel, or permit your wife to live, I bid you adieu.
Love, your imaginary Husband.



P.S. Large amounts of crack/caffeine/mushrooms might have been ingested during the creation of this writing prompt inspired letter.

P.P.S. I am not gay.