A Little Off the Top

“Wot I’m trying to say, if you’d shut your gob and listen, you wanker, is that it’s not going to fit. Bloody yanks, always fink you know everyfing.”

“Well, what if we push it down a bit? And maybe a little to the left. How ‘bout that?”

“You’re mental, mate! There’s no way it’s fittin’. Look at it. I told you, you brought the wrong size storage trunk for this job.”

“Shut the fuck up, Mick. It’s all I had on hand, OK? So, we’re gonna have to make this work. And it’s your fault we’re in this situation anyway, asshole.”

“My fault? I seem to remember you were right there wiv me, Steve. You tosser. Or was I imagining fings?”

“Yeah, yeah, I was there.”

“Awl right, then. Let’s not pretend you’re one of the good lads.”

“I didn’t fucking tell you to shoot him, though, Mick! I mean, Jesus Christ, what were you thinking? We were just supposed to scare him so that he didn’t say anything.”

“Well ‘e’s not going to say anyfing now, is ‘e?”

“No.”

“Problem solved then, mate. Besides, it’s not my fault ‘e started shoutin’. You should be fankful I’m a great shot. Spot on, that was. You couldn’t’ve asked for better than that, mate. Simple. Quick. Wicked.”

“It was a helluva shot, I’ll give you that. But you solved one problem and made a new one for us, man. Fuck. There’s no way this body is fitting in that trunk, is there?”

“Naw.”

“Guess we’re gonna have to… make some alterations.”

“That’s sick, Steve. I’m not in the biz of chopping up bodies.”

“No, you’re just in the business of creating the bodies, apparently. You got any better ideas? I’m all ears, man.”

“Why don’t we look for somefing bigger to put it in?”

“Oh, great idea. Yeah, we can run to Walmart real quick and pick something up there. Come on, man! We’ve gotta deal with this now.”

“Awl right, Steve. Wot do we do?”

“In the trunk of the car, I’ve got a saw and a couple of large knives.”

“This is a whole new side of you, mate.”

“Yeah, well, we bloody yanks see a problem and immediately find a solution.”

“Oh, yeah? And ask questions later, you mean.”

“OK, OK, focus. What do you think the best way to go is? It’s not that much bigger than the trunk, really.”

“If we bend it a bit this way and that, I fink most of it will fit. But the lid won’t shut and lock.”

“Maybe just a little off the top, then? Eh, fuck it. Grab the saw.”

“Oi, Steve. Once we’ve chopped ‘im and locked ‘im in the trunk, wot are we going to do wiv ‘im then?”

“One thing at a time, Mick. First, we’ve gotta get that head off.”


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Won Dialogue 500 contest, August 2011