Full Circle (Continuation of Broadside)

When I returned from Abbotsford on that Monday everything seemed just a little off kilter, a little to the left of center.  The sun was still blasting the full heat of summer by mid-morning, the evenings coming quicker with the sharp smell in the night air providing hints of the winter to come.  Ray decided to spend Tuesday with the children to calm them and it seemed like the right thing to do, given the fact that we had just rocked their world with the news of our separation.  I left the house so Ray could be Daddy for the day, so ironic as I usually had to suggest things for him to do with the children.  Now he realized what he had in front of him all along and was desperate to grasp onto a normalcy that was no longer possible.  Bike riding and cuddles were now on the agenda for him instead of work, ball or his Mustang.  Or his mistress.  I want to delete that last sentence just because it rankles me so much.

While Ray hung out at our home with the children, I headed to the doctor's office.  Though the results from the SDIs, HIV/AIDS test would not be in yet, I wanted to give my doctor a head's up about them as I had been tested at a walk-in clinic and the results were being  being sent to her.  Although I was sure I was fine, I thought I'd be a fool not to get tested.  A cheater is a cheater, right?  How do I know if this is the first affair for her, or for my husband for that matter.  How much can I actually trust him when he says anything anymore.  Three years he had been with her, 'off and on' he keeps repeating, as if somehow that minimizes the impact.  And I wasn't sure I would be able to go to work the next week, given that I was still welling up with bouts of grief that seemed to sideswipe me regardless of place, time or company.

After I saw my doctor I was armed with a note for four day's medical leave if I couldn't pull myself together in less than a week for work.  And a suggestion to come back for sleeping pills if sleep still eluded me.  But then, just like this minute as I write this, I'm dreading sleep.  The first night was the worst but it hasn't gotten much better since then.  Lying on the pillow thoughts speed by my eyes, causing pressure inside my head.  My silent screams start almost as a yawn and subside only when I gasp for breath as tears slide into my ears and down my neck.  I figure my screams must be ripping into another dimension somewhere and someone is quite startled, hearing them in full volume.  But that's not even the worst part.  No, the worst part is after falling into a sleep that feels like it only skims the surface, broken up by bizarre images and snippets of  scenes and incomprehensible conversation,  like my mind is a remote control compulsively switching channels.  It's that moment before I emerge from my mind's chaos, only seconds really, when I wake up I don't remember what happened at first.  Instead, I have my usual calm, slowly waking to start the day.  Then it comes flooding back into my mind and in the space between the black of my closed eyelids and the light of the day, I shatter all over again.  My heart feels smaller since all this happened.  Not my physical heart but the one that we feel and fill with emotions inside us.

[Aside: As I write this, both children have gotten out of bed at different times and called out, "Daddy?"  So I think I need to add a little extra space on the 'worse' side of the scale.  Having to console my hurt children, that's the worst part, by far.  Now a third time my boy is up, with crying and "I miss Daddy...can he cuddle with me, please?"  Nathan has not slept in his bed a full night since his world tore apart.]

Outside the doctor's office, I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself.  Any Mom with children knows this feeling.  An unexpected moment to oneself - we flounder.  Then a jumble of thoughts about things we could do pops into our minds and each option is analyzed excitedly and crossed out one by one mentally until we figure out which one fits with the moment we have.  Well, I had a gift card for a salon that had been sitting in my wallet for almost three months, a thank you from students for sponsoring their club.  Maybe I could use it?  I phoned and made an appointment but still had an hour to wait.  Perhaps I should eat?  I hadn't eaten yet that day in my hurry to leave the house, trying to avoid the awkwardness of the 'parental switch' which was so new to us both.  Into the sushi nook I went, thinking that I couldn't remember the last time I ate alone.  After I ordered I sat still, swirling my green tea and thinking that everyone must be able to see my grief, it felt so naked, so palpable.  When the phone rang, I felt relief instead of the usual annoyance that flickers in me when the cell interrupts my day with its demands.

It was the lawyer's office calling.  Couldn't call her my lawyer as I hadn't had my free consultation yet and that was what the office was trying to set up.  The questions, ack, were horrible and personal and left me nowhere to hide.  If those around me didn't see my naked grief before the phone call, there was no avoiding it after the call.  Sopping myself up with a napkin, I tried to regroup.  I looked up, trying to find something distracting to focus on and as I did, I physically jolted, startled by what I saw.  In the reflection of a small Japanese street scene photo  hanging in front of me on that beautiful summer day, were the numbers 4988, reflected from the London Drugs behind me on the other side of the parking lot.  Where we had met.  21 years ago in baby aisle of all places.  He was stocking shelves and had the most  open, eye-crinkling smile I had ever seen.  And I was all dolled up, waiting for my sister to get off shift in cosmetics so we could go out for a drink.  And a year later by fluke I came through his checkout, on a date with another guy, just buying a pack of gum before a movie.  That smile again.  As he rang up my gum he suggested we should go out.  I lowered my voice so my date behind me wouldn't hear and smiled back.  "I'm on a date with another guy right now."  Unfazed, he slipped me his number and I widened my eyes in playfulness - anyone that cheeky deserved a chance.