Kill the Malay … um, Chinese Premier

Kill the Malay … um, Chinese Premier

The rest of the world called it panda diplomacy.  No one wanted to be friends with China, but the brainless masses wanted the giant pandas in their local zoos to ooh and aah over, no matter where they came from or what deals needed to be struck.  Even Taiwan (officially known as the Republic of China), which China claims is part of China, has accepted two pandas to the Taipei zoo.

However, panda diplomacy was also a perfect weapon.  No one ever suspected a panda.

Dear Leader returned the two giant pandas to China at the end of the ten year agreement between the two closely aligned countries who shall remain friends for many long years.  A great ceremony was planned, and owing to Dear Leader’s love of some things western, the musical choice was unusual.

An electronic thumping proceeded the lyrics, and both pandas became alert.  They knew this song.

Relax don’t do it

Mouths dropped open as the pandas became airborne, defying their weight and physical limitations.

When you want to go to it

The pandas snarled, showing their teeth, and their front paws became a blur of chopping movements.

Relax don't do it

Looking about, the Chinese Premier noticed that Dear Leader looked delighted.  Obviously, this was a planned exhibition of animal training that was simply remarkable.  Who knew giant pandas were able to do such maneuvers?

When you want to come

The Chinese guards were concerned because giant pandas were big, weighty creatures with teeth and claws, yet their Premier was smiling. 

They touched their rifles nervously, but did not take their safeties off and shoot at their country’s most beloved animals.

Relax don't do it

Defying gravity, both pandas reached the Premier where he was viciously mauled and decapitated.

When you want to come

There was a moment of shock, where the only sound was the animals still horrifically rending the Chinese Premier and the electronic bom-bom-bom of the song, before the shooting began.

When you want to come

Dear Leader pretended to be aghast at the terrible tragedy, before leaving the podium.  He waved his hand in dismissal, and said, “Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.  I will also enjoy an Orange Mocha Frappuccino.”

Relax don't do it

Author's Note: Lyrics of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's Relax, and some dialogue from Zoolander.  Used in response to the absurd Daily Slice prompt regarding a panda bear.  I make no money from the writing of this, nor do I claim ownership of Relax or Zoolander.