The Disappointing Treat

Lights blur and swirl in front of my eyes. Focus Danielle, you’re losing yourself. Tonight needs to hurry up I think to myself. It’s just taken three turns for me to flick the kettle on. That shouldn’t happen, it’s not right. For the first time in my life I realise that some mistakes have some serious repercussions. God I really hope Jamie makes good on his promise. I can’t stop shaking. I think I might pass out soon, but I really shouldn’t. Not in front of Stevie anyway. She’s too young to see that, and if I’m out cold, she might start playing with the lighter again.



She still has the marks from last time.



Guilt sweeps over me, and I rush to the kitchen sink to be sick. It’s all liquid. When was the last time I ate? I’ve dropped my glass now. Damn it Danielle, control your shakes. You’re pathetic. You’ve got a beautiful little girl and all you can focus on is that little bag of coke. Any other mother takes their kids to the park but all you do is scream at her. But is it any wonder? She’s got no toys to play with. Nothing to do except watch her mother’s eyes roll into the back of her head. You even forget to pick her up from nursery most days.



Don’t you ever think she’d be better off if you gave her up for adoption to a proper family? Of course you do, but you’re too selfish to provide the best for other people. She cries because you’re a rubbish mother. Not even worth the oxygen.



You’d be much more use dead.



He’s back. The door slammed but it was the light that woke me up. I passed out again. But who cares, he has a fix for me, I can see the package. No I don’t want a kiss, give me the god damn bag. He backs off when I slap him.



Why is he apologising? Oh he could only score weed. What use is that! All I’ve wanted all day is coke and he brings back leaves. It’s been a while since we used that. We moved onto bigger and better stuff a while ago. It’s like I’ve always said if you’re going to do something, do it right.



I needed that fix.



Here come the shakes again.



He’s mentioning something about mugging. He knows the perfect place. Do we really need to stoop to that? I drop my cigarette, burning a hole in my jeans, shaking again; yes I really do think things have got that desperate. We’ve become the cliché, the drug addicts who’ll do anything to get our fix. I feel sick.



We drop Stevie off at the neighbours, who give me a look similar to the one my mother gave me when she used to catch me smoking. She knows I’m up to no good. That I’m trouble. I disgust her.



Jamie points to a cash point, I nod and we hide behind some nearby bins. So this is what my life was to become, a petty criminal? I see a man walking up to the ATM and tap Jamie. Jamie sneaks up behind him; he’s wearing a suit, that’s good it means he can afford to lose some money. I watch Jamie grab him from behind and threaten him, I can’t see the man’s face, but he must be scared as he immediately gets the cash for us. He hands over the money and Jamie turns away, a wide grin on his face. He must have got the full breakfast not just the bacon from him.



Suddenly the man attacks Jamie and Jamie is on the floor, the man reaches for his money back. I can’t see well from where I’m hidden, but I hear the scream, and the man falls. Jamie quickly runs towards me, grabs my hand and drags me home.



Once home I switch the light on, and I ask him how much we’ve got him. I look at Jamie properly, he’s covered in blood. He doesn’t care, he says we got 250, enough for a fortnight. Starts cleaning a knife from inside his jacket in the sink. The waters crimson. My stomach lurches. He stabbed him. He might be dead. I’m living with a possible murderer. I don’t reach the sink this time.



I only wanted a fix.