Kids say the darndest things!

A story about David

David is the eldest of my three children and definitely the leader of the bunch. He really hates
it when I tell this story but, I can't help myself. David is now 24 years old. This happened when
he was fifteen years old. As silly as it is.
I had worked night shift at a bar for twelve years. I always worked the weekend nights. Sometimes
David babysat his sister for me while I was at work.
One particular Saturday night was a very grooling Saturday. Not only at work but before I'd even
left for the bar to go to work. I had to put Cassidy and Miranda down early due to cat fights and
snotty attitudes. Needless to say I wasn't into any snottiness or attitude problems at the bar.
Soon I shook my mood and cheered up. Things just went down hill from there. Fight after fight at
the bar that night and it just really brought me down. I was so glad to quit selling beer that it
was unbelievable. I locked up shop and got to go home around 4 in the morning.
I get to my door and stuck the key in. I could hear music going inside the apartment. David met
me at the door. He poked his head out so I could only see his head and that was it.
"Mom, don't be mad." He said in his most straight and narrow voice that he could muster.
I, of course, was immidiately mad.
"David what's going on?" I pushed the door open and David moved aside. There were three teenage
boys sitting on the couch with those I-didn't-do-it-looks on their faces. I looked around.
Then I saw it! There were bubbles floating out of my kitchen! In fact, the bubbles took over my
kitchen and they were slowly floating into David's bedroom. Some were slowly making it into my
living room!
I ran towards the kitchen.
"David, where are your sister?" I demanded.
"Asleep in their room where you put them!"
"What the hell happened here?" I said as I went into my kitchen and started feeling around for my
dishwasher because the bubbles had gotten too high. I finally turned off the dishwasher. I
motioned to the three 'innocent' boys to come over and help clean the mess up. After they were
done and, of course "nobody did it" was the only explaination I could get out of them other than
they were "only trying to help." I finally found the culprit. An empty box of Mr. Bubble bathsoap
was sitting on top of the counter now all soggy and disgusting.
"What were you thinking?"
Again, "We were only trying to help!"
After trying to stifle any giggles that were escaping me I gave four very bored and annoyed boys
all the do's and dont's of doing the dishes in the dishwasher. I explained to them the only thing
to use in there was the soap that was made for one of those things.
After the other boys left and David went to bed I giggled off and on for an hour over this one.
Believe me I had the sparliest kitchen in the whole entire apartment complex.

A story about Cassidy

Cassidy is the second child out of three children. She definitely shows all of the characteristics
of the middle child. Except there are a few things that you need to know about Cassidy before you
find any of this funny. Cassidy is my Special Needs kid. She's had hearing, speech, and Epilepsy
problems since the day she was born. Like people say there is nothing funny about these things.
We've had to work really hard since the day Cassidy was born just to keep her alive. However, I
have taught her how to laugh at some of her short comings and now that Cassidy is 21 almost 22
years old she tells me she was glad I did that. It made things easier.
That in mind, one day the kids and I went to a baseball game.
One of the high schools was playing one of the other high schools. David and his friends all
wanted to go. So, we packed a picnic lunch complete with snacks for the game and soda pop all
around. We all went and found our spot at the huge park to watch the baseball game. We were on the
second bench up on a set of bleachers. We took up about fifteen spots total. We'd been cheering
and rooting for David's middle school team. We were really making quite the fuss and carrying on.
David and his friends would stand up and wiggle their butts at the other team cheering "Pitcher
has a weenie arm! Pitcher has a weenie arm!" and then wiggle their butts at them. My daughter
stood up and yelled what she thought everyone was saying "Pitcher wears a leotard! Pitcher wears a
leotard!" and proceeded to wiggle her butt at the opposing team. Everyone just broke out in
laughter loving Cassidy's innocence. After I told Cassidy what we really were saying she cracked
up laughing, too. To add to this, Cassidy has the cutest laugh you ever did hear come out of
anyone. It's one of those laughs that make you laugh even harder. Many of the team members on
both sides said that was the most enjoyable game they'd ever had thanks to her.

A story about Miranda

Miranda is the third kid out of three kids. She has and is always a handful. She has that bubbly
little personality with the curly locks and all. I am highly surprised she wasn't born with a
head of red hair. At fifteen now, she is the wild child. She hasn't changed too much between five
and fifteen years old. However, when she was five years old she believed there were two Gods. The
one that's in the sky (that's how she referred to him) and any weatherman on TV. Whatever the
weatherman said, went, with Miranda. So one spring morning her and I are having our usual before
school arguements. I was telling her that she needed to put a coat on and she was telling me that
no she didn't because the guy on KPTV 12 said it wasn't going to rain. I finally get her to put
her coat on and we go out and wait for the bus. While we are walking to the boss Miranda looks
down at a warm and says very seriously, "Ugly things ought to go back in the holes they came from!"
I could have died laughing.
To prove my point about weathermen it did nothing but rain that day and the next three days after.
All Miranda had to say about that when I pointed it out at dinner on the 4th day of rain is this:
"I guess there's only one God." I could of died laughing again!


A short story about my Grandson Kaden

Kaden is almost three years old. He's been having trouble speaking. He visits with a speech
therapist twice a week. I haven't been to Kaden's house for almost two weeks. Then he was only
saying things like 'kitty' and 'bubble' and 'dog'.
so today while I am over there he is playing with the dog. He sticks his face up to the dogs
lips and the dog gives him a real big kiss (made me wanna throw up but Kaden was happy about it).
Kaden goes up to his mom and says "Big kitty cat give me a kiiisssss. Nice kitty." I giggled to
myself and said "Kaden, honey, it's a dog."
He goes up to the dog again. Sticks his face in front of the dog's lips and the dog gives him this
disgusting lick and darn near inhales his nostrils. I definitly want to throw up now. Kaden runs
up to his other Grandma and says "Big Kitty cat gived me a kiiiissss. Nice kitty!" He is just
thrilled to pisses. I say again "Kaden, honey it's a puppy dog." That way he would associate the
two and get it.
For the third time, Kaden goes up to the dog and sticks his face in front of the dog's lips. The
dog gives him this kiss that I swear went from ear to ear and stopped at his nose. Kaden laughs
and laughs. He stops. He glares at me. He says, "Big Kitty cat gived me a kiiisssss. Nice kitty!"
I laughed and said "You're right, that's a very nice doggie Kaden!"
He just stomps his foot and walks away.
I love being a Grandma!