The Friend Vibe

Don't tell me about the Friend Vibe. I don't want another guy friend.  I want a relationship.


Yes, but how can you have a relationship with someone you aren't friends with?


Easy. The question is really how can you have a romantic relationship with someone that you ARE friends with?  I mean how is "friends" going to lead to anything?  Friends implies no sex vibe, nothing interesting...just casual, comfy, boring. Nothing going on mentally. How can that lead to sizzling sex? How is that boring friend connection that you could have with just about anybody and everybody ever going to turn into something that you'd want around for your whole life?


I don't want to be friends with a guy!  I don't want to be that comfortable in a relationship. I want to walk on pins and needles and be chilled out most of the time, and always wonder why the guy doesn't seem to want me for anything but sex. This is how I feel alive!  Otherwise, it's just boring Mr. Joe-Blow calling out of the blue asking me to spend time with him - and I think - why should I?  You're boring. Your phone call is boring, your plans are boring and what's most boring of all is that you'll send me flowers after the date and I'll know you're a nice guy and you'd marry me in a second and then -- game over. It's all just boring downhill life from then on.


Back to the Friend Vibe.  You always thought that concept was just a bunch of baloney before...a cop-out.  Do you still think that way?


I have definitely changed my tune on that, I have to say.  I am tired of not feeling comfortable and whole with a guy that I like. I know, I know - this theme is as old as time.  The guys that you are friends with always want you more than you want them, and why?  Because the Friend-Vibe guys get to actually see who you are and they like it, and of course you don't reek of desperation with them because you AREN'T desperate with them. And what does desperate even mean?  It means you want a relationship...maybe really bad? But so what...don't we all, right?


So...the Friend Vibe...continue...


Okay...see here's the thing. I've always kind of "dissociated" when I'm with guys that I'm attracted to and I'll spend all my time wondering what he is thinking and if I'm doing everything just right.  Is he remembering that he didn't call last night when he was supposed to?  Is he thinking we'll do it again tonight?  And then out of the blue on the way back from lunch he'll say "do you want to have sex tonight?" and I'll just laugh at his boldness because what else can I do?  Yet at the same time I'll know he can be that bold because he doesn't really care what I think.  His heart is elsewhere no matter what he's physically engaging in with me and so he can cut through all the normal ego-crap because he doesn't really care about me.  And of course I like him better because he doesn't care -- because I know he doesn't and that somehow makes him "good" "better" and "more interesting" right?


So him not caring is a good thing?


In theory, no. In theory, I'd want him to care. But in reality, him not caring what I think makes him incredibly unguarded, in the moment, and truthful, with a mind not lost in thought and musings about the state of "us" and rather, focused here and now in the present, and that's attractive to everyone, not just me.  It's what makes him interesting.  In his unguardedness, I get to see his real essence.


But what do YOU get to be during all this?


That's just it...nothing! I don't get to be anything! I don't get to tell him about my writing, or about my family or my life and I say it's because he doesn't ask many questions, but you know - I don't hold all my real friends to the standard that I'm not going to say anything unless someone specifically asks about it.  To my real friends: my genuine, natural friends - if I have something to say, I say it.  And that goes for guy friends too, and guess what -- they love it!  When I am free with what I say to my friends, such as my married friend Tim for example, I'll say anything and everything, and all kinds of cool conversations come out of that.  And I will feel like a million bucks with it: attractive, strong in the friend vibe - strong in knowing I don't want to sleep with this guy for heaven's sake -- he's my friend!!


So you think when you are completely yourself, guys want to sleep with you even though you aren't even trying for that?


Absolutely. The whole "I feel ugly" thing just melts away. I don't feel anything at all about my looks then.  I just feel full and in the moment, not simpering and scared and wanting their approval.  They get to see the real me and they like it, and then they're the ones wanting more and I'm the one that can take it or leave it.  It's happened over and over in my life with long-term guy friends that I've had.  It reminds me of something some Marine once said of himself, in that unabashed, braggerty way that Marines have: "I'm not conceited, just convinced." -- which sounds incredibly arrogant but there's some truth to it.


So you are starting to believe in the Friend Vibe when you first encounter a new guy?


Yes, exactly.  I'm starting to believe in the Friend Vibe as being the only hope for a real relationship, and I want to start to use it now even with guys I'm attracted to.  I never did value this Vibe before but I'm so sick of being weak and one-sided and small and lacking in confidence with guys that I am around, especially this one in the present.  I've been around him so much all summer and I haven't once felt that I'm being my true essence with him.  I don't communicate my real feelings about how we relate to each other, and I feel humiliated by some of the obscene jokes and notes that he texts me, but do I tell him this?  No.  And all the while I'm thinking that if he really knew who I was, he'd know that I don't enjoy this kind of thing despite how I'm laughing and playing along.  I mean, yes, I enjoy the fun on some level because it's so different than anything I'm used to, especially at work, but on a deeper level, it's not me.  So I'm harboring some resentments and not communicating with him about it, and thinking that he doesn't even know the level of hostility that I have about him sometimes.  And why doesn't he know?  Because I don't let him see the real me.  I'm not being real with him like I would be with a friend.  I'm not as open or honest about my feelings, and I hold him to this standard that I don't hold any of my real friends to, and that is that he has to ask me specific questions before I'll tell him much of anything about myself.



A big goal that I have with this current "summer fling" is that I learn to communicate. And so I've been doing the scariest thing I've ever done.  I've been telling this guy some of what I feel about our connection, and I tell him that I've never been good at communicating in relationships so this is something that I want to get out of our connection.  And he tells me that he thinks that I am actually good at communicating, and I'm thinking -- yeah it looks that way with you right now because I'm working on it with you, but I haven't always been this way.  And so I open up a bit at a safe place - the bar at Maloney's at 3:00 in the afternoon of our work day, and I say some things that are real and honest, and he gets to say things too, and the whole world didn't fall apart like I thought it would.  And then there's this truth on the table between us.  It's right there with us like it's a living thing that I never let be there before with any guy that I cared about and it's the scariest thing I've ever done.


If it's so scary, how did you manage to do it this time?


It was the time factor and the routine factor with all this travel we've been doing.  Us being the only two singles on the trip, we knew we'd fall into something on the road and we'd even hinted about it in emails prior to starting the travels.  And I admit I was nervous about being so real around someone for so extended a time, and so I chickened out and let it turn into sex pretty quick.



But even so, the more I was in this known routine with this guy and the more I experienced a certain smallness around him, the more I got sick of feeling that way.  And so I decided that I wanted to use the situation to confront my fears and at least get some honest growth out of this experience -- maybe just get a clearer picture of what I want for the future, in the "Real Relationship" as I came to think of it. 



It was interesting to have this fling all summer and be able to count on it not going away while I observed the ebbs and flows, especially in the sex department.  And that routine made me braver over time, or should I say more accurately, the repeated challenging experiences in my own head over time - with my own feelings about some of his behavior - made me feel more brave about saying something.  What choice did I have?  This person wasn't just here and gone - he was with me all work days, all summer.  We did lunch, dinner and drinking together almost every night.  And even now that we're done traveling and back in the office, he's 10 feet - two half-cubes away in this big open room that we all work in all day long, with only computer monitors blocking our line of vision from each other.  He's still a constant presence to me and I'll admit it's been an adjustment being back: seeing him come and go and doing lunch without me now, and not getting text messages on and off all day like I used to get on the road, and so there's nothing to be done but confront my fears.  This one isn't going away.



And also, I could see the progression of all this: how it starts out heavy, but it all melts down to something that feels like routine and friendship in the end - comfortable - and if that's where all this is headed anyway, then what would have been wrong with letting something start on the Friend Vibe and get better from there?  And I think now that I'm braver, that maybe I should have done that with him. 



I have this theory now - this belief that I never wanted to embrace before - that relationships are better in the end if they start on the Friend Vibe, and not the other way around.  Kind of like the oven starting at 0 degrees and heating up from there.


So what does this mean for future guys?  Does this mean you take a guy that's a friend now, and try to turn it into something else?


Okay...that's a tough one because it's the nature of guy friends that they are someone you aren't particularly interested in going to bed with for whatever reason -- most likely because you aren't attracted, and I hate to use that phrasing, but it's the truth. But I think this is true too: there are guys that you know you DON'T want to sleep with, and there are guys that you know that you might want to -- and then there are the majority of guys in the middle that could sway you -- you don't rule them out as being something more.  And when you are with the guys in the middle that you haven't ruled out, and you find yourself becoming friends with them - maybe even regular lunch buddies that you secretly know you wouldn't mind dating - at that vulnerable point I want to just STOP THINKING so hard about it and just be a friend because it's freeing and empowering to do that. 



This is my thought going forward: I am going to be in the Friend Vibe with each and every guy I meet in my future job no matter how I might secretly think they could be something more, and I'm going to hold that vibe for at least six months.  I'm going to be absolute friends and nothing more: no hidden agenda, no secret thoughts -- just me in the moment, even if in the farthest corner of the back of my mind I might know that I could want more with them some day.  Some day - but not now, and that way I don't have to be thinking things like "ask me out please", or "gee I feel rejected because you haven't asked me out". I'm just going to know in the back of my mind who I wouldn't mind connecting with one day, and in the present day, I'm going to be their friend.  Let me rephrase that -- I'm not going to be "their" anything.  I'm simply going to be A Friend to Myself and treat all my guy friends as true friends, not someone that I've got any kind of secret agenda with.


How do you think that would have changed the current summer fling?


Oh...well...many ways. For one, I would never have practically suggested we have sex on the second night in town just because I had fears about how he and I would spend this massive amount of time together. If I could have been completely in my own skin with him: comfortable, confident, and just said "well goodnight" -- knowing he was in the 6-month trial friend stage -- if I could have done that, then HE would have had to mention the sex idea with me eventually, if he was thinking that, instead of the other way around.  And I'm not saying it all wouldn't have ended up in the same place but here's the difference: he would have had to do more of the work, and I think the outcome would have been more balanced. 

At least if I were in confident-friend mode with him, he would know that he was free to talk about his true love, Karen, that he can't seem to get a commitment out of after 4 years, as much as he wants it. I mean it's not like I don't let him talk about that at all -- he can talk about it some, but I admit I don't want to hear too much about it.  Maybe I'm afraid he's been with her over the weekend and so I send out vibes that he can't talk too much about that subject.  And so what do we have instead?  Silence.  And in that silence he knows he can't tell me too much about who he really is because he knows I don't want to hear too much.  And so it's just he and I driving back from lunch downtown: he lost in his thoughts about her I'm guessing, and me feeling resentful about the lack of communication. 

Really, what benefit does it do anyone when someone can't say what they are really thinking about?  Aren't you better off knowing than not?  And if I have fears around letting him talk about her, why can't I just say them?  Why does anyone ever have to hide?


So how do you apply this now, in the current fling, that seems to still be going on even though the travel is over?


Well, as I said, we had our nice chat at Maloney's that night since we've gotten back, and I've told him that I want to be his friend.  I mean his real friend - and with this Karen-thing lurking around in the background, what choice do I have about it anyway?  But what I really mean is that I want to be able to be fully myself around him and I want him to be able to be completely real with me too.  I want to ask myself with everything "what am I feeling in this moment?  What am I defending when I have this urge to not answer his text right away, or to not tell him what I really did over the weekend because it might sound too boring?" 



With other guy friends, I tell them what I really did over the weekend because I don't care if it sounds boring.  It's my life and this is my friend and I'm allowed to talk about myself if I want to!  And this is what I typically share about my weekend: I read a good book and I went to Starbucks, and oh yeah, I walked a little and maybe I saw a movie.  That's it - the life of a single person - and I'll say it with no apologies whatsoever.  And here's the irony: all those mundane details are actually interesting because they lead to real, unguarded conversations.  It's amazing what comes up with someone when you tell them what book you are reading.  It draws them out.  It reminds them of something and they share it and you learn all kinds of little pockets of information about them that you wouldn't have otherwise.  And so you think your life is all boring on one level and you try to hide it with a guy you're attracted to, and yet in these mundane details you find out the most interesting things about each other.  Conversations like this are so full of spirit and fun and when I'm in them I'm thinking how sad that my "fling" never sees this side of me as we drive here and there in silence. 

But is it his fault he doesn't see it?  He doesn't see it because I withhold all my true spirit from him in the name of "the attraction".  Sacrificing so much - my true essence - for so little is how I've come to see it, and for what?  All for this puny idea of a "sizzling connection".


Do you think the Friend Vibe has any real advantages in terms of leading to marriage?


Yes, absolutely. Because if you can put the Friend Vibe first, then you are always allowing this other person to be real with you - honest - even if the honesty is just to say "I'm attracted to someone else". If that's how someone feels, then they should be able to say it because at least the thought can get out there and be dealt with.  And you know what else?  With my fling, I admit I spend a small bit of time thinking about what he's doing when he's not with me, and because I'm not really his friend but rather his "whatever", I don't let him feel free to share things like that.  Last night in the middle of the work week I thought "hmmm...I wonder if he's doing T tonight?".  T is a blast from our work past that we'd just seen at a group lunch that day.  So I spend this Wednesday evening having this irrational thought that maybe he looked her up after the lunch and called her that night, and then I finally thought...who cares?  You aren't going to know if he did that or he didn't - you can't control him and you aren't in a committed relationship with him so why waste a second thinking about it?


And that is the truth.  You can't pen someone in so give up the fight.  And if we really knew we were 100% in ourselves, why would we ever want or need to pen someone else in anyway?  It's that whole quandary about making someone else "special".  To the extent that we do it, we cause ourselves pain.  But I don't have all the answers on that one, that's for sure.


But you do think you have this one answer in the Friend Vibe?  For yourself anyway?


Yes, for me going forward, being able to stay in the Friend Vibe and silently confront all my own fears when I feel that to be a challenge, is exactly what I need to be doing.  Do you know that when my current fling, B, says to me that we ought to go out on his boat sometime, or that he and I ought to go out and play golf sometime, I don't even take him up on it?  I'll think cool -- and I'll say that, but then I immediately think "I know how to sit for hours at a bar with you, and I know how to have sex with you and I know how to work and travel and have lots of dinners and lunches with you, but I don't know how to go on a date with you.  A real date.  Where we actually DO something".  I don't know if I want someone seeing me swatting golf balls into some sand dune or jumping into the water while holding my nose.  Or to get to the more scary truth of it, I don't know if I'll be a good enough audience to him while he shows me his boat or his golf skills.  I don't know if I'll be fun or informed enough or interesting enough for a whole afternoon.  And so out of fear I don't even take him up on it and the idea just drops. 

And it just hit me driving home from work the other night: you can sleep with a guy you like with no problem, and maybe you can even work with them, but you don't know how to fearlessly, fully stay in your own skin around them otherwise.  And so I found this huge pocket of fear operating -- and it's been there all along and it explains a lot about my dating history -- and I thought, if life is about growth and you repeat the same mistakes over and over until you figure it out -- then stop and figure this one out!  And from this came my concept of the Friend Vibe. So the scariest thing in my world right now would be to think about spending 3 hours with B playing golf and yet I have no problem sleeping with him. What is wrong with this picture?



And you know what -- sleeping together is NOT necessarily intimate at all.  In fact it is often the opposite - a way to hide.  Looking someone in the eye, or playing golf on an afternoon with someone you like, sitting silently in your fears and being cognizant of your vulnerability but bravely doing it anyway...now THAT is intimate.



So for me, going forward, I think I have no choice but to embrace the concept of the Friend Vibe that I've always disdained on some level before.  And I console myself with the idea that I'll gain strength this way and it will all be worth it in the end.