Sisterhood

I honestly don’t think I thought this through all that much. I mean hell, it seemed like an easy way out of this small boring town, and since going off to college was a free ride, how could I say no? So I took off across the country to seek my future, but in doing so, that meant I was alone, no family, no friends, just the outsider with their face shoved in a book, doing their damnedest not to let loneliness seep in. The first few weeks were easy, mostly because adjusting to dorm life and finding my way around campus kept me occupied and busy. There were calls home, some letters sent back and forth. Thanksgiving approached, but I didn’t have the funds to go home. The same can be said for Christmas break. The part-time job barely gave me enough cash to support the need for sustenance, so forget bus or train fare home. Unfortunately, the contact back home began to diminish as well, something I hadn’t considered, and I had to admit that it hurt.

Spring break is just around the corner and I am already dreading it. I’ve always been book smart and have had few friends over the years. College definitely hasn’t changed in that regard. The silence is becoming deafening around me as I sit alone in my room, oblivious even to the others that share the same space. I hear students’ laughter trickle down the hall and filter into my room, as if the walls carry their echoes to me and vibrate from their happiness, which only leaves me feeling even more isolated. I admit I am partly to blame for the predicament I find myself in, and being introverted is certainly a disadvantage at this point in my life. I thought that the family I left behind would be in constant contact, though that turned out to be another one of my silly dreams that wouldn’t come to fruition. Life goes on back home, and finding time to connect is becoming extremely difficult.

Now here I sit, fiercely writing my deepest fears, my wants and desires into my journal, trying to make sense of this path I have chosen. What is it I want? I want to belong, to understand what friendship is all about. I want to be noticed, to find acceptance, to fit in with my peers and share that excitement that has been missing all my life. The loneliness has become a vice around my heart and it aches so severely sometimes I find it hard to breathe. I knew I held the key to opening that door, to having all that I longed for, and yet I was clueless as to how to go about it. Yet, the pull remained, and only grew stronger the older I became.

My two roommates burst into the room arm in arm, giggling and talking non-stop. They barely even noticed me sitting in the corner of my bed. Kaci and Mandi were so close, more like sisters than new friends were, and I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to experience that kind of friendship. I slid my pen into the journal and moved to the edge of my bed. Eight months we shared this room, and we hardly imparted more than useless chitchat. Today I was determined to make a change, to go after the things I needed in my life and Kaci and Mandi seemed like they would be the perfect people let the wall I had built around myself. I saw the warmth they had, how open and helpful they were with others. So why not me? All I had to do was initiate conversation and I was almost certain they would be so stunned to hear me speak, they would take the time to listen and God willing, give me a chance.

I took a deep steadying breath as I moved to the edge of my bed and let my feet drop to the floor.

“How was your day?” I asked, doing my best to keep my eyes focused on them, instead of averted, which was my usual pattern.

Both girls stopped and turned towards me. As if they were attached to the hip, they slowly sank down on the bed across from mine, staring intently. Silence hung in the air, and the vice began to clench itself again while fear of making a mistake flooded my mind. I bit down on my bottom lip as my thoughts raced, searching for something to say.

“We were just coming to get changed so we could go the game,” Mandi announced.

“Oh,” I said.

“Interested in coming along?” Kaci asked.

Her question made me almost gasp. It was the first time anyone had invited me to go anywhere. Words escaped me at that moment as the girls sat waiting for a response. If I wanted to experience that kind of sisterhood, then I had to take a chance. Having friends would drive the loneliness away, would give me something other than studying and school to fulfill my life. There had to be more. It was within in my grasp, all I had to do was reach out and take it, and still I nervously hesitated.

“It will be fun,” Mandi coaxed.

Suddenly, I realized that they were reaching out to me, cutting the distance of isolation and living in half. There was only one choice to make, and finally I found the courage to take a chance on myself.

“I’d like that.”

Thus began my journey of self-discovery, of learning what true friendship, and the bond of sisters truly meant. I can tell you that it’s been one life altering moment after another, and without the kindness of Mandi and Kaci, I could’ve easily wound up being a recluse. In finding them, I became part of their family, the world around me grew bigger, filled with laughter, and tears, triumphs and sorrows, and I learned how to live. I went out and experienced things that seemed so far out of my reach, and realized that in holding back, the only person I was hurting, was myself.

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