Karis dash

It's difficult to control our feelings. And it's even worse when you keep living in the past. But that's what I had been doing for the last few months. In just one second, all the emotions I had been suppressing came back. I had released my hopelessly romantic side after all these years denying it. Almost three years of falling in love with the wrong guys and ignoring the fact that he was around... But the truth is he never left. It was me who went to another country and spent the last four months thinking about him. About our story and being together someday.

I knew it was wrong, after all he had moved on. But playing scenes in my head and remembering the things he said to me; it made me happy. And I couldn't image how the real story would make me feel. I tried to warn myself, that I was inventing a whole new guy but it seemed right. To just fall asleep smiling, thinking about us together.

Why couldn't I just learn the lesson? Every time I imagined things, all my expectations rose and for a minute I was floating there: in a fake, romantic bubble. There, I was perfect and could control the damage people have on me. But we all know what bubbles, eventually, do. Mine just lasted longer. Sooner or later, 'pop'. Well, not a cute 'pop'; more like a crashing into a window 'pop', where my body could feel every single dream rushing down to my knees.

However, this time I was different. I can't remember if I say that every time, but who cares? Before, I was clueless. I hadn't been out there. And when I say out there, I mean taking risks. Trying new things and realizing this is not what I had signed up for. The year of disappointment. When I learnt how powerful I was and my ability to influence on a situation. Don't take me wrong I'm still clueless. Just this time I won't break down when my bubble crashes. After all, I had been "away".

If I had to write bullet points about what I had learned, they would all be stupid facts like be confident, relax, don't think, take a risk. Pathetic. I obviously couldn't be confident, so I would just try to be 'less insecure'. I couldn't help over thinking and stressing, so I would just surrender and relax by accepting my faults. And the risk was already taken: I was an extremely passionate girl trying to win back my first love.

All this on the table, I would see him tomorrow. First day of school and, as usual, I couldn't sleep. It irritated me the way my feelings could just take control of everything. No sleep, non-stop thinking. Not only was I going back to liking my first boyfriend (yeah, at least I could say that) but I was also excited for silly things like the first day of class.



I knew this was inevitable. He lived close to school and so did I. I was going to run into him unless he left earlier.

It was nice to walk to school for a change. The air was starting to get thicker and soon we'd all be boiling inside a classroom. But for now, I could just hear birds; and traffic jams, and his voice...

"Why won't you tell me?" he was talking to his brother.

"God, Tom. Why are you so annoying? It's between me and Dad."

I smiled, I had forgotten how nosey he was. I was walking a few meters before them, so at least it wasn't the awkward situation in which I had to say hello. But I did have to! I turned around and they weren't looking. Great, should I just stop and wait for them? I decided to get to school and try another time.
"Hey!"

My head turned too quickly. I heard correctly, he was smiling behind me
.
"Hey, you're so tan." Somebody shoot me.

"Thanks", he laughed, "you're so blonde now."

"Yeah, you look different" I hadn't realized his brother was walking with us.

"I don't think it's because of the hair."

I laughed. His brother and him arguing about my look was weird but flattering at the same time.

"So, are you guys nervous?"

I knew guys didn't stress about things like that but I did. I had been so busy thinking about seeing him again, that I had forgotten we had different classes and new students. Everything would be different.

"Nervous?! More like depressed, sad, angry, confused... School is not pleasant."

Tom's brother was much more funny and friendly than him. But he wasn't him.