You Cute Again

         We have an agreement, my husband Richard and I about watching porno- we both like it, him more than me. After we got together then eventually got married, porno was something we incorporated into our sexual play-time and had a blast. Then something changed; I mean it's not like I didn't know he loved watching it all the time, every time. What changed is how it made me feel, actually how it's always made me feel.

         And so I came clean with my husband one day and told him that when he watches porno it makes me feel like I'm not enough of a woman for him; a second choice, a blow-up doll.  That if he had the courage to approach pretty women, it's more likely I wouldn't be the one he'd choose. I spilt my guts and tried not to cry, but when you're being honest with yourself it's hard not to shed some tears for the lies you've said to make it okay.

         And so I asked for his help in the matter. I told him that watching porno is equal to fooling around to me, and waited to hear his views. He said he agreed and pointed out that porno was actually getting in his way. That the women's faces was now something he'd see while in the act of having sex with me, rather than the other way around like it use to be. At that, I could only take his word for it. I have my own sexual hang-ups from an abusive childhood, and it isn't fair to cast him under the same light (no matter how tempting).

          So when I found an animated porno site pinned to our computer's dashboard I was hurt, and confronted him the next morning. He said he didn't do it. That's great cause I didn't do it either I thought. So someone came into to our room, watched porno, and pinned the site to the tool bar- nice, but not likely.

         "What you saying is 'you no believe me,'" he said.

         "What I saying is, 'we have an agreement,' and if you can watch porno, 'I can suck another man's cock.'" That didn't go over well. It did however, get him up and leaning on his elbow.

          I don't get it? A man would love a woman who's secure enough to accept him jacking-off to another woman's naked body; yet, can't wrap his mind around that same woman sucking another man's cock. I'm not saying that's what I want to do. I'm saying that watching other naked women in the act of having sex is the same thing as fooling around to me. And if you continue watching porno thereafter, then I should be allowed the same courtesy is all. Though some would argue that it isn't physical, to that I add, 'your ejaculation proves otherwise.' 

         So back to the matter at hand. He's pissed and so am I. Somebody put the damn thing there and it sure as hell wasn't me.  He closed he eyes and went searching for his happy place. Well that's wonderful! " If you're gonna disappear then I'm leaving too." I said, flying the covers off.

         "Good..." he said, barely audible.

         "Great." I said, loud and clear; even threw in a couple of curse words.

         "Wow...I didn't swear..." Richard said leaving the room.

         "You might as well have by the way you acting."

          I paced in front of the close-closet staring at everything while trying to feel nothing. Was I being unreasonable? I didn't think so. I mean, porno's great if your single; saves a lot of women from getting raped or getting a disease, or waking up drunk next to a stranger. But besides that, why would you want to be in a relationship where you're there physically but mentally you'd rather be somewhere else. I deserve better and he deserved to be happy, I think.

         When Richard returned he said he wasn't mad anymore. He kissed the top of my forehead and took my hand in his before sitting on the bed. "Look...the night we had that talk about how porno made us feel, and what we going do about it. Was the last time I ever watched it. I did watch porno before that though yeah, but not since then. And that cartoony thing? I hate those..."

         "How did it get pinned to our computer?" I asked.

         "I don't know..."

         I hung my head and tried not to slip into a hurting, sobbing mess. "I know it hurts your feelings when I don't believe you. But can you please put your wounded-self aside and see how it looks from where I'm standing."

         Richard nodded and by the look of things appeared he'd made the shift. "What if our room-mate was standing here trying to help me with an electrical problem (plausible, since he is an electrician), and Iike a scene out of that Sandra Bullock movie 'Two Week Notice,' you find me on my knees near his crotch. It's not what it looks like but you can't help believing otherwise, since I have a history of fooling around."

         "I get where you're going with this..." he interrupted.

         "Rich...you have a history of lying to me." I told him.

         "But haven't I changed..." he said, deflated.

         "Yes, you have. We both have...but can you see how hard it would be for you to believe me, given my history?"

         "Yeah, yeah I can..."

         "Hun, to me, porno hurts my feelings. And I know it was my idea to watch it together. But I change my mind. Now, I want you to want only me. Am I being selfish? You damn right I am!"

         He smiled and wrapped his arms around me pulling me close. It's true we have our history nothing can change that, but now we have our agreements and we can change that as often as we choose. I stood up and he followed. But before I got a chance to walk away, he pulled me around to face him, "You cute again..." he said, his new catch-phrase when he's done being mad at me.

         “I am gonna put a lock on the computer, though...” I said through a mouthful of kisses.