Reflections and Obligations

A cup of hot coffee warming cold hands
I look upon snowy mountain peaks
on my front porch I stand
It was a long journey to here
and nothing I had really planned
It sort of all happened
once I decided I no longer had to be
one of the damned

I was once a runaway in the truest sense
I ran from them and myself
building a tall fence
But when I ran to the dead end
my road lead to penance
I found myself alone and depending
on only myself for defense

As is true for all defenses
only cold hard truth will win the day
I had to face all my sins
the ones committed as I ran away
I found one consolation
in my truthful essay
Though I was nearly made into one of them
I truely wanted to change

I wandered through a labyrinth
both from theirs and then my own creation
now I had to stop and change
my wandering direction
I found it so easy to walk the path
they have sanctioned
now I must stop and force myself
to a path of redemption

I found myself fallen
at the bottom of an icy crevasse
And all those innocent ones I had hurt
now I had to climb past
I had to admit to my babies
I was the one who hurt them last
But instead of anger
they gave me another chance

I have traveled a long road
to feel I can truely break the chains
The legacy I nearly passed on to my babies
won't be repeated again
Neither my abusers nor those I abused
could I any longer place blame
It was all my own cowardly running
that had nearly caused this new generation of pain

Some say I am a strong and an unusual person
to break this abusive cycle
But I know differently, I had no choice,
If I were to seek personal survival
I became my harshest judge and denied
all selfish acts that were suicidal
I chose to live for my children
to face my responsibilities and not stand by idle

My work is not finished
being only two thirds complete
My son's are healed and loving young men
who can show respect and sensitivity
But my daughter is still angry
and my resolve must be to never accept defeat
Someday I will be there when she needs me
and only then will she accept my offered key

I planted deep seeded demons of anger within
each of my children
My battle will continue
of this I am most certain
I pray they have a measure of the strength
I have been able to rely on
And I wait to start my work again
as my children begin another generation.

So here I stand with a hot cup of coffee
held between cold hands
I look upon snowy mountain peaks
much like my life as I understand
The snows and elements outside me
have changed where I dream to stand
But my inner core of love and protectiveness
are a solid foundation for the future I demand.


Originally Written: 14 July 2001


This is but 1 poem of a collection which can be found in this Journal: "Invalid Item"