My Sanctuary

James finally seemed to be willing to listen. It seemed we have been having the same fight for years, it never changed. He never wanted to make time for us. He had his minor indiscretions that I had willingly overlooked for love. But he had to be willing to work on our relationship with me.
"I have been doing better. I came home early and missed watching the game with Darnell and the other guys. You have to admit I have not been going out as much. You really need to cut me some slack, Elena. I am trying. You have to be willing to fight for us." He genuinely seemed to want to work on things, but he just was not getting the point.
"You came home early today, but what about the rest of the week. You knew that I was trying to make plans to go out. I wanted us to be able to go out together, not just me with three other couples." It was always the same. He wanted nothing to do with my friends, only wanting us to spend time with his, on his terms. I really truly do not know how much longer I would be able to handle this.
He ran his hands through his longer than normal, tousled blond hair, "You have to give me some more time. You can't expect me to just change overnight. You need to be willing to compromise too."
"I'm willing to fight for us, but you have to give me something to fight for. I have loved you for over half of my life and I am still here. But I cannot keep doing this. You are either with me or I am gone. I am tired of hurting and I am tired of crying." With those words still ringing in the air I walked out of the house. He has to realize that something has to change.
I wandered down the street with no destination in mind. I just needed to be able to breathe. More and more lately I have been feeling like I am suffocating. Of all the people in my life that could have disappointed me I never could have begun to expect it to come from him. He was the one constant in my life. He was the one that taught me to have confidence in myself, to believe that I was stronger than I could have imagined. Eight years together obviously did not mean to him what it meant to me. So many times in the past I have given him the benefit of the doubt, but no more. This time things would be different. I was not fully paying attention to where I was going there were too many thoughts running through my mind, too many distractions. From somewhere behind me there was an obnoxiously loud noise that was getting louder. Finally the sound passed and I knew where I was going.

I sat on the bench thoroughly relishing in the ability to soak up the warming rays of the bright sun. The park was quite deserted today, despite the beauty of the day. My long, dark hair was hanging over the back of the bench almost touching the ground. I knew I really needed to get a haircut, but I could not bring myself to be willing to part with my hair. The straps of the fitted, dark blue tank top allowed my arms to be exposed to the sun as well as the denim cut off shorts that I was wearing revealed my legs. I had earphones in my ears listening to the clear classical music. Here I had no worries, no demands were being made of me. As much as I love James he is not here to argue with. This was sanctuary, my safe place. I loved the feeling of just being able to relax and be. Everywhere else I had to be somebody, do something. In this deserted park surrounded by calm and beauty I was able to float away from every responsibility the real world demanded of me. I threw my head back and relished in the feel of no worries, of the warmth of the sun seeping in my skin.
Suddenly I could hear James' voice, it seemed like he was upset. "Please baby, don't leave me. I know I have screwed up. I promise that everything will be better. Do not leave me. I cannot live without!" I could hear the strain of unshed tears in his voice. That's something I have never heard before. James has always been stoic, it is almost unnerving how bundled he keeps his emotions. I cannot believe that he would be this upset just over me walking out of the house. It never phased him before when I would go on a walk to clear my head.
I tried to open my eyes to tell him it was alright that I had no intention of leaving him. Panicked I realized that I could not open my eyes. My voice was not working, I could not speak. What was going on?
No longer was I in my sanctuary relishing in the warm sun. No longer was everything at peace and calm. I was trapped, unable to move, speak, or see. What happened? Why can I not talk? Nothing else seemed to work, but I could still hear and feel. I was completely consumed with pain. Every fiber of my being felt as though it was on fire. My body felt as though it was being repeatedly stabbed over and over. Sharp, piercing pain was shooting up my legs spreading throughout my arms. My head felt as if was going to explode from intense pressure. On my chest it felt as if there was a thousand pound brick laying on top. Slowly I was able to focus on the voices around me.
"The driver of the car did not see her. He tried to blow his horn to warn her, but she did not hear it and never moved. He hit her from behind and she flew several yards. At this time we do not know the full extent of her injuries. She does have a broken leg, several broken ribs, and there is swelling on her brain." At the mention of swelling on her brain she heard a strangling sound. What was that? "James, just because there is swelling does not mean much. Right now her brain is trying to protect and repair itself. Once she wakes up with will have a better understanding of what is going on and where we stand with her prognosis." The straightforward voice must be a doctor. It sounded as if the doctor was trying to reassure James. Was that sobbing? Was James actually crying? I have never heard him cry before.
I was so confused. With the severe pain and the fogginess of my mind I could not comprehend what was happening. If there was no reason behind it, why could I not open my eyes? So much pain! I am unsure that anything else exists, all I feel is intense, all consuming pain.

I lost all concept of time. I did not know if it was minutes, days, or even months passing. Minutely the pain slowed and began to subside. Slowly it was becoming less and less consuming. I was beginning to be able to focus on more conversations and recognize the different people coming and going from my room. The nice nurse that I really like walked with such a light step it was hard to hear her enter the room, but her wonderful fragrance always gave her away. She always smelled lightly of a type of flower that I could not quite put my finger on, even though I knew the scent. I believe that her name was Sally, but it was difficult to catch names as the majority of all introductions were done prior to be being conscious of conversations around me. There was also the nurse that I did not care for. She seemed overworked and as though she does not particularly like people. Even though I never caught her name I think of her as Ingrid. For whatever reason it seemed to fit. She had a heavy tread when she entered the room. She also emitted a musty odor. The doctor always had a slight tired seeming shuffle to his step, and smelled very sterile and clean. When James entered the room I always knew it, his fragrance I would know anywhere. I could almost feel his presence prior to even knowing that someone was walking into the room. Everyday upon his initial arrival he would lean over kiss my forehead and whisper in my ear, "Hello beautiful, I love you more than my life. Please come back to me." Every single time I could hear the sincerity in his voice. It tore at me every time.
The fog that had permeated my thoughts since I first became conscious was languidly receding. I still do not know why I am unable to open my eyes. I have been able to move my fingers and toes. The doctor seems optimistic and baffled. He says that it is a great sign that I am able to move my limbs in response to stimuli. Yet, at the same time he was dumbfounded by the fact I have been unable to wake up. Apparently my brain scans seem to be improving and there appears to be no permanent damage. There was no medical reason for my condition.
James was sitting beside my bed holding my left hand and gently running his thumb along the back of my palm. I was concentrating on trying to open my eyes when suddenly severe pain shot through my chest. It felt as if my lungs completely deflated and I could not take a breath to re-inflate them. I gasped for air feeling a stabbing pain shoot down my throat. I heard James shout for help and felt his hand tighten on mine. Abruptly my small room was alight with activity. I felt several hands on me all at once and could not even begin to focus on the various voices.

Calm and peaceful serenity. Warm rays of sunshine bathed my skin in its glow. Lush green grass spread as far as I could see. I wish I had paid attention when my best friend attempted to teach me various flowers, because I was surrounded by the most glorious garden. Wonderful, light fragrance of the potent buds floated on the gentle breeze. Deep sky blue faded to the lightest of blues mixed with the purest white. Fluffy rounded innocently white clouds lazily floated across the sky. The antique styled bench that I sat upon was perfectly aged for comfortably lounging in the quiet park. A magnificent weeping willow billowed in the wind casting shadows momentarily over me. I always loved the way the leaves of the willow sweep across the ground. As a child I would leisurely play under a weeping willow near where I grew up. There has always been some aspect of weeping willows that calm me. Now at this moment I feel immensely calm. In the distance a bird begins its flight and begins to tweet a song. Something does not feel right. I look around myself, nothing appears to be amiss. Cool, soft breeze of the perfect temperature brushes my hair back.
Without warning I hear James' voice, "Elena, I am begging you do not leave me. I need you. I am nothing without you. Please Elena, stay here!" I could feel myself beginning to float away. No, this is not right. I cannot just float away. I am trying to stay seated on the bench, but no matter how hard I try I can feel myself being pulled up. No! This is not right.
"James! James!" My eyes fly open and I'm momentarily blinded by bright, white light. I turn my head stiffly searching for him. "I am right here beautiful." He breathes the words through sobs of joy. "I am so sorry for everything. You are right, absolutely right. I have been comfortable and did not realize what we have. I cannot live without you Elena. I love you." He leaned past a nurse and was kissing my face. I reach my hands up and grasp his face and kiss him with everything I have in me. "James, I love you. I want to be with you. You do give me something to fight for. You are everything worth fighting for."