The Roaming Stone Interview: Santa Claus

The Roaming Stone Magazine Interview with Santa Claus

         Each month, Roaming Stone brings you the latest trends, news, and interviews with the most relevant celebs in pop culture. This month is certainly no exception. We recently caught up with the jolly old bad boy of holiday icons, Santa Claus, during preparations for his upcoming world tour. Some of the things he had to say will shock even his most devoted fans.


RSM: Thanks for taking the time to talk to us, Santa.

SC: My pleasure. I love the magazine.

RSM: That's great! I'm sure everyone back at the office will love hearing that!

SC: Yeah, we use it to line the reindeer pens. Super absorbent. It really keeps the deer piss off the floor. Once that smell sets in, there's no getting it out.

RSM: Really glad we could help.

SC: So, what do you guys want to talk about?

RSM: Well, I'm sure your fans would love to know what you have in store this year. Are there any surprises you'd like to leak?

SC: No real surprises this year. We're pretty much going to stick to the things that have made Christmas so successful in the past. Toys, games, stocking stuffers, that sort of thing. I'm on Twitter now, so everyone can just tweet me their wish list this year. That's new, I guess.

RSM: Wow, Santa. Twitter. That's a bold move for a group that has been anchored to traditions for over a century.

SC: Yeah, Seth Rogen talked me into it. I love that guy. We met at a party at Rhianna's pad last year. Dude got me so baked, I could barely feel my feet. (Laughs)

RSM: Baked? As in high? You got high with Seth Rogen?

SC: Oh yeah. Great guy. I mean, you know...there's the obvious thing...

RSM: Obvious thing? You mean, that he's Jewish?

SC: Oh, God no! I meant that he's a shitty dancer. Really, he's Jewish?

RSM: Yeah, you weren't aware?

SC: No, but that's hysterical. I have some jokes I gotta tell him.

RSM: So, you mentioned Rhianna. I know you guys were supposedly involved romantically a few months back, would you care to comment?

SC: Oh. Well. Rhianna's a great girl. Extremely talented entertainer.

RSM: Yes, she really is.

SC: Slamming body, too. Seriously, stunning...and she knows her way around a candy cane, if you know what I mean.

RSM: (uncomfortable) Uh, yeah.

SC: But no, I wouldn't really care to comment on that. Besides, you know that Chris Brown guy is crazy. He's been on my shit list for years.

RSM: You're referring to your naughty list?

SC: Yeah. We call it the “Shit List” around the workshop.

RSM: Wow. I never imagined that. Makes sense, though.

SC: Yeah. It actually says that, right at the top. “Shit List”. Then it's got a bunch of names beneath it. A BUNCH of names.

RSM: Aside for Chris Brown, any names you care to drop?

SC: Sure, why not? Consider it an exclusive for your readers.

RSM: Something for the cover.

SC: Oh yeah? You think this will make the cover?

RSM: I wouldn't be surprised.

SC: Well, yeah. Here's some names for ya... Kanye West, Vladamir Putin, and uh, who was the jerk that raised the cost of that medication?

RSM: Martin Shkreli?

SC: Yeah, that's him. Douchebag.

RSM: Did you just refer to Martin Shkreli as a douchebag?

SC: From Doucheachusetts. Yeah, I sure did.

RSM: Wow, Santa. That's kinda hardcore.

SC: Let that be a lesson to any kids reading this. Don't engage in douchebaggery.

RSM: Why do you think Christmas has become more popular than the other holidays?

SC: Simple. People like getting things. Christmas is popular because it's the holiday most centered around greed. Think about the popular holidays, aside from Christmas. Thanksgiving is about getting a lot of food. Halloween is about getting candy. Valentine's Day, getting chocolates and flowers, even our individual birthdays revolve around receiving gifts. It's why nobody gives a fuck about Arbor Day. If we gave each other trees every year on Arbor Day, it would be much more popular.

RSM: I never thought of it that way.

SC: Also, marketing. You gotta market your holiday well. Whoever is in charge over at Easter is doing things right. They really market the hell out of that one. But, Flag Day? What a freakin' joke.

RSM: You mentioned Twitter, earlier. Are there any plans to further modernize the Christmas operation?

SC: We kicked around the idea of drones for delivery, but that idea still has a long way to go. Anyway, I still prefer to do the deliveries myself. Drones can't eat milk & cookies.

RSM: So, you do actually enjoy the milk and cookies?

SC: Of course! Especially in Colorado and Washington. Those guys really know how to bake up some goodies!

RSM: Surely, you don't mean...

SC: Yep. Cheech & Chong chocolate chip cookies.

RSM: And on that note, we'll end the interview! Thanks Santa!

SC: You're welcome. Be sure to send me a copy of this when it comes out.

RSM: For the reindeer, right?

SC: You got it, slick. Merry Christmas.

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