My Life as a Smoker

My Life as a smoker…

I tricked myself into believing that I loved smoking - Even though there have been many times in my life where I have been so pre-occupied that smoking never even crossed my mind, when I realised I had not smoked for ages the little nicotine monster would appear and oh was she hungry!

I tricked myself into believing that I loved smoking - I would get up earlier so I had time to smoke (even though I love bed), I would skip meals so I had the time to smoke, I would roll cigarettes in the toilet so I did not waste my break time rolling cigarettes so I could smoke, I would wait an extra 5 minutes at the bus stop so I could smoke and I would/have snuck into the toilets on trains, Eurostar and airports so I can have 2 drags..

I tricked myself into believing that I loved smoking - it strikes me as so obsessive that before I enabled myself to do absolutely anything I had to have a cigarette - people pissed off with me, no problem, I’m used to it - me pissed off with others for not liking my smoking my reaction.. priceless.

I tricked myself into believing I loved smoking - I’m so sick that I can’t breath and I believe that smoking helps to loosen the gunk in my head, throat and chest… Operation, I know, let me carry my drip downstairs so I can do something I love..

I tricked myself into believing that I loved smoking - I burnt myself on a number of occasions, lost a few inches of hair at the front of my face, have small holes in nearly all of my clothes, I have accidentally burnt other people and other people clothes, I even had a lighter explode in my pocket at Ankgor Wat, pretty scary.

I tricked myself into believing that I love Smoking - I loved smoking so much that I would physically panic if I run out of tobacco, rizla, filters or indeed my lighter and I would walk for miles alone in the cold to ensure I had my love.

I tricked myself into believing I loved smoking - I missed out on so much and I thought I was the one in control doing something I love - How did I let this happen to me and how did it get this bad. I have sickened myself, felt disappointed in myself, felt ashamed, disgusted, embarrassed, hypocritical, shallow, unfriendly, selfish, stubborn, conniving all to get my fix and sadly this is a legal taxable drug..

I tricked myself into believing I loved smoking - I also tricked myself into believing that I Love coffee so much that the 3 consecutive cups I drank every morning with my cigarettes was actually drunk to help my throat cope with the 3 or 4 cigarettes I was planning in quick succession before I could start my day...