Substitutes

"Excuse me, Madam ..."

"I'm sorry, but isn't this the way in?"

"Uh -- the way in where, Madam?"

"To the farmers' bazaar, you know."

"The farmers' bazaar ended yesterday, Madam. My crew and I are just sweeping up and packing the marquee."

"Yesterday? But it was supposed to go on till Thursday."

"Yesterday was Thursday, Madam."

"No, no. My cat always refuses to drink milk on Wednesday, and she mewed her nose up at it yesterday. Or wait ... was that the day before?"

"Now if you'd move aside, Madam, please ..."

"But -- but -- young man, were you at the farmers' market yesterday?"

"As a matter of fact, I was. Madam, please step this way, they're bringing the marquee and you must not get injured."

"You see, young man, I was supposed to give out the prizes in the best pig, best donkey and best cantaloupe categories. Do you know what happened about those?"

"My aunt took the prize for best cantaloupe, Madam. The mayor handed it to her. It was a proud moment for our family. I took a selfie, standing next to them. Here, look."

"The mayor?"

"See, madam, in this photo, I look like I'm standing next to the mayor."

Mrs. Pennywise admired the photos, thanked the young man and stomped her way home, fuming. On entering her apartment, she didn't even greet Paddy-Paws, who curled up in her basket and sulked.

Mrs. Pennywise had donned her best dress, her best earrings, her best hat, and her best gloves. She had been awake all night creating a poem about pigs, a declamation about donkeys and a critique on cantaloupes which were guaranteed to have her audience spellbound. And now, thanks to the confusion about the non-milk day, the mayor had had all the fun of handing out those prizes. It was enough to make anyone turn to drink.

Turn to drink she did. She went straight to the kitchen and brewed herself a strong mug of hot chocolate.

She was sitting on her favourite recliner, sipping away, when the doorbell rang. Muttering under her breath, she heaved herself up and stomped to the door.

"You're all dressed up?"

She looked up at the astonished face of her nephew, Moses.

"And why shouldn't I be dressed up?"

"It's your choice, of course, but people usually wear old, comfortable clothes when ..."

"When they're giving out prizes, which was yesterday, so the mayor did it instead nobody saw. Now you can see me all dressed up."

"Yes, me, and the people at the hospital."

"Hospital?"

"You have an appointment for a colonoscopy and I'm supposed to drive you, dear aunt, remember?"

"That's not today."

"It is."

"But I've eaten a lot, and had this hot chocolate."

"And dressed up." He was smiling. "Okay, I'll call the hospital and fix another date."

"Do that. And stop laughing."

"Sorry. Can't help it. You in that hat and dress and those baubles and the nurse putting a tube up ..."

"You are the most impertinent young man I have ever met."

"That's why you love me. Why is Paddy-Paws in a bad mood?"

"Never mind Paddy-Paws. Why didn't you call before coming? You know I like people to call before they show up."

"I tried. It said your phone services were cut off because of non-payment of the bill. I guess you missed the last day."

"The last day isn't yet."

"It's yet and gone. Give me cash, I'll pay it off. And by the way, Natasha is annoyed with you for missing little Tinia's first birthday bash."

"Little Tinia's a year old already? I remember her being born, I was actually there. That was just a couple of months ago, surely."

"It was a year ago. That was the one event you didn't miss -- you were at Natasha's place when her water broke."

"These babies grow too fast. Natasha herself was a baby just a few years ago. She has no business having a year old baby."

"Your colonoscopy is rescheduled, I've been messaging the hospital as we talked."

"What's the new date?"

"Is there any point in telling you?"

"I guess not. I guess you could spring it on me as a surprise."

"Or maybe the mayor could have it instead of you ..."