Electrified Anxiety

​          Shawn thought himself a normal guy who tried to be nice to everyone and not step on anyone’s toes as he went about his life. Whether or not he did was up to the gremlins in his mind at that exact minute. He never had problems with his social life though it was not anything to faun over. He coached himself on the daily that they liked and trusted him but it never really seemed to genuinely help. He knew they were good friends to him because they helped him whenever he needed the help even if he didn’t ask and he did the same for them. He just wanted a normal life living every day he could with the solace that he didn’t upset anyone even if they upset him.

         ​Shawn just like every morning woke up for work at 6:30AM.Or7AM Or 7:30AM. Really anywhere in that range when his mind or body felt like it. Today was a 7AM start and an actually shower instead of just sitting outside of it. Just water, no soap as he couldn’t find the motivation to get moving to do so. His life wasn’t bad, not even close when looked upon from the outside but it wasn’t always easy to want to proceed with the day but he did anyways. Being a burden to others always felt worse and suicide wasn’t an option as he had friends and family that cared about him and he knew that. So he carried on trying the best he could even if it was hard to bear. He wanted and knew very well that he needed to get help, but he could never find a time where his motivation and free time lined up.

​          Dressed in what his company deemed business casual he head out the door after saying goodbye to his best friend. He knew this friend would never betray or hurt him, they were always sad to see him leave for work but excited when he came home, his cat Foof. After saying goodbye to Foof he made his short drive to work. The short 20 minute drive to work was never awful but as with any drive to and from work wasn’t necessarily exciting. Badging into his office building he headed up the stairs to the 5th floor where he worked as an onsite tech support for the building. He was the lowest person on the totem pole but he was the first person everyone came to with issues and he didn’t mind that all too much. Everyone understood when he didn’t have an answer but he knew who to call or who to send them to if he didn’t. Just like any workplace there were a few people that got on Shawn’s nerves but he kept it to himself as to not ruffle any feathers. Some days went by quiet as a mouse whilst others came at him like a tornado rampaging through a trailer park. He preferred the tornado like days as it kept his mind from wondering as much as possible. The earbud in his right ear helped preoccupy his mind with either podcast or music but that was not always an option depending on who he was working with at that moment. Though it did little to stop the petty thoughts going through his mind, “is my hair sticking up again?” or “Do I stink and not realize it?” All thoughts running around despite confirming numerous times with either visually checking or attempting to ignore the thought by doing his work.

         ​A new hire started later today so his first task on arrival was to make sure the equipment he setup the day before was good to go. He checked it after setting up but he wanted to make sure nothing magically changed overnight. Nothing ever did but it helped calm some of his fears that nothing would work upon the arrival of the new hire. He tidied up some more of the cables he thought may be seen as an eye sore made sure the hardware powered on and felt confident that all was good. 12PM rolled around and knowing that was the time the new hire came in he held his breath waiting for the not so inevitable call that something was wrong. By the time one o’clock rolled around he breathed a sigh of relief in the assuredness that nothing went wrong.
​It hit 1:30 when he received a call, “Hello IT, have you tried turning it off and on again.” Is what he always wanted to say but never had the guts so answered phone like normal, “Hello.” His voice sounded cheery and upbeat in contrast to the way he felt. He knew who was calling and in the pit of his stomach wished he was able to ignore the call.
​“Why is the work space for Landon so disorganized?” It was Jason the big boss of building and company BERC that owned it. Jason wasn’t a necessarily a bad guy but it was always his way or not at all and it needed to be done now or he got visually and verbally frustrated with whoever was talking to.

         Shawn hated being accused like this, he knew he made sure that everything would pass Jason’s inspection during the tour. Jason liked to occasionally strut his stuff when it came to new hires and Shawn was the easiest to pick on due to his pushover nature. “I’m not sure what you mean Jason. I made sure all the cables and wiring were out of view yesterday when I set it up and again today.”
​“I’m not sure you did based on how everything looks in this office. I need you to come up here and fix it so Landon can properly do his job.” Jason extenuated the word and made it feel like a knife going through Shawn. Nowhere vital but it still hurt just as any stab wound would.
​“I will be right up then, my current task won’t take me another five minutes and the most.” Shawn knew it would take him thirty seconds but the extra few minutes made it easier to prepare for the upcoming bombardment as well as make it seem like he was quick to fix the issue.
​“We’ll be here waiting.” Jason’s tone though maybe not intentional, drove into Shawn that he didn’t want to wait but knew he didn’t have a choice.

         After hanging up Shawn let out a breath he subconsciously knew he was holding but wasn’t full aware. Leaning back in his chair he stared at the drop tiled ceiling running through the possibilities of how he had screwed up and what it was in rapid succession eventually hitting the minuet problems that may have occurred. “Maybe the keyboard I gave him isn’t to his liking and he wanted an ergonomic one. Is the mouse broken again? I’m pretty sure I gave him a new one to use. Did I? Shit I’m not sure if I did or not.” These thoughts ran through his mind as he made his way down to the third floor where Landon’s office would be with an awaiting Jason and a yet to be seen Landon.
​As Shawn walked into the room he immediately did a very quick visual check of the setup. Before he saw anything the stood out to him Jason noticed his arrival.
​          “Ah there you are.” Jason greeted with the professional cheery voice he greeted everyone with. “Landon this is Shawn our tech guy for the building.” Jason moved slightly out of the way and motioned towards Shawn
         ​Landon moved past Jason extending his hand, “Nice to meet you.”

​          Shawn met the outstretched hand and took with a firm yet simultaneously weak hand. “Nice to meet you as well.” Shawn smiled back at Landon in an attempt to not appear as awkward as he felt. “As Jason said I’m the tech guy for the building so please don’t be afraid to reach out to me with any issues you have it’s what I am here for.” That was one of the few things Shawn felt he could say with confidence. Shawn felt like he was very good at his job and technology as a whole but has on numerous occasions felt like he was “put in his place” when talking to his higher ups on the IT side of management. It wasn’t due to anything Shawn did but due to a lack of a more in depth knowledge that he wish he had.

​          Landon gave a smile and a short laugh “Believe me I will probably take you up on that to the point you’re sick of me.”
​Shawn had heard this or a variation of it so many times that he places a mental bet that if they say it he can get a soda from across the street. His Girlfriend was vocal about his soda habit but she didn’t have to know about these as he had them only at work. She would know eventually because he would tell her. He told her everything whether he wants to or not because he trusted her. She may get upset and “scold” him but that was ok she knew she couldn’t stop him just wanted to drive home that drinking them regularly would hurt him in the future. “That’s completely fine.” he replied. He meant it to he liked to help people especially when it came to things like this. “If no one came to me with issues I wouldn’t have a job anymore.”

         ​Jason snapped him back to the grim reality of why he was here, “Right now is one of those examples. That being said it should’ve been done before you got here Landon.”
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         Shawn wanted to reply with telling Jason to do it himself then if he was going to be an ass about it. But he couldn’t do that, he didn’t want to job hunt again nor did he have the confidence to continue with an argument that would inevitably result. Shawn walked towards the desk excusing himself as he slid between Landon who was trying to side out of the way and Jason who was going to the side of the desk to show Shawn the problem.
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         Jason spoke before Shawn had a chance to voice his confusion, “The problem is under the desk.” Jason pointed under the desk, “Why is the power strip visible there and not behind the desk?”
​Shawn died a little inside because this was a complaint that only Jason had. Shawn had talked to the other members of management who also toured and oriented new hires asking about the visuals of having the power strip visible to no argument. He liked having it easily accessible not only for himself but also for the user. He found it made it easier to check power connection as well as allow the user ease of access to plug new devices in. Whether or not he would admit it Jason was very anal about the way his cables were laid out. He couldn’t have a single cable visible if he could avoid it. Every cable was zip tied or shoved out of site to the point that Shawn was surprised that none of them had broken.

         ​“I’m sorry for letting that go by I’ll move it right now.” Shawn said as he got down under the desk. As he attempted to make it look like he wasn’t just shoving the power strip between the desk and the wall Jason felt the need to chime in again.

​          “I don’t understand why you keep leaving those out like that it’s a complete eyesore.” He wasn’t pleased like normal but as long as it was getting fixed and done his way he was content for the time being.

         Shawn let out a silent sigh and rolled his eyes as he finished shoving the power strip behind the desk. “I do it because it makes access to it easier for people who want to plug in additional devices. The outlet is behind the desk and harder access so this makes it so someone doesn’t have to pull out the desk or blindly search for it.”
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         “Then that’s their choice to have it out not yours. I want it hidden until they arrive at which point they can decide how messy they want their cables.”
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         “I understand and I will try to remember for next time I apologize for the screw up.” It was the same back and forth they’ve had numerous times before but it never failed to occur if Jason was the person to work with the new person. Jason looked content with the answer so Shawn didn’t have to pull from his rehearsed repertoire of increasing apologies as Jason continued to pester him. “Do either of you need anything else whilst I’m down here?” Shawn said looking between the pair.

         Landon shook his head whilst Jason did the same adding, “We should be good now you’re good to go.”
​Shawn saw himself out and headed back to his office back on the fifth floor taking the stairs as normal. He felt he sat around enough all day so the stairs gave him a modicum of exercise. He fell back into his chair and felt like he could fall asleep, his stress levels had skyrocketed during the encounter on top of the energy it took to be sociable. He looked at the clock, it was only 1:50. The event felt as if it had taken hours but in reality only took him twenty minutes to leave and get back. He was hoping it would take longer only because it would allow him leave sooner, or so he felt. But no he still had over three hours left in his day. Three hours until he could go home see Foof and hop onto some games with his friends to forget about the day for a few hours until he had to go to bed and repeat the process.

         The rest of the day passed without any serious events, an hour that felt like two and it was three. An hour from three to four felt like four hours had passed and that last hour felt like an eternity. At 4:50 Shawn began to pack his stuff up and get prepared to head out, he didn’t mind working overtime but never did unless he had too.

         Another uneventful drive home and he was soon greeted at the door by Foof who was more than happy he has home, rubbing his head into everything. Foof used to rub up against Shawns leg but knew that if he held back and waited until Shawn had taken his shoes and coat off that he would get to sit with him sooner. Shawn picked up Foof and took him to the couch to pet him before he got on and played games with his friends. Foof didn’t like electronics being used when he knew he could be spoiled. Whenever Shawn put his phone down on the couch Foof would make a point to lay on top of it so it wasn’t easily accessible to him. ​Petting Foof was always the first moment he would feel at ease most days. Whilst still spoiling his cat he turned on his gaming console with the controller. Foof upon hearing the startup noise sat up and walked off as he normally does. He’d come back soon after but he needed to pout first.

         After his console booted and greeted him with the welcome screen it signed in presenting him with the last few games he’d played as well as his friends that were online. Three of his good friends were on so he sat debating whether he wanted to bother putting his headset on to play with them. His choice was made for him when “FatBunny23” invited him to a group voice chat. Scoot always knew that Shawn wouldn’t join unless prompted so he sent an invite to force Shawn to have fun. Grabbing his headset he powered them on and joined the party. The usual group was in the chat “FatBunny23” known as Scoot who was only recently introduced to Shawn but had quickly become a good friend. “RiderThePartyAnimal” who went by Daxter had known Shawn since they were sophomores in High School nearly nine years ago. Last but not least Shawn’s oldest friend “OgreLord” who had the most normal name of the group with Brandon. Brandon had known Shawn since the third grade, they didn’t talk nearly at all through middle school and most of High School but would talk in passing finally hanging out again after graduation after Shawn’s friend group exploded leaving only him and Daxter. Shawn’s girlfriend wasn’t on but that was to be expected as she worked nights so he wouldn’t often see her until the weekend where she would either come over or join the group in all night play sessions.

         ​He was thankful to have friends that knew he needed a push to join as if he didn’t he would probably sit in the shower for hours waiting for ten o’clock to hit when he went to bed. He normally got off of games at nine and did just that but a lot of that was to just unwind and relax with no need to go anywhere.

         When his console finally connected to the voice chat he was greeted with a slew of insults. None of which he took personally but instead threw back with a smile as this was their way of greeting each other.

         ​“So what are you fucks up to?” Shawn inserted after they were done screwing with each other. He could check the chat and see the games they were playing but why do that when he could talk to them about it.
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         Daxter was the first to speak, “We’re doing a set of seasonal characters in “Devil 4” since you were at work like a bitch.” He had the first half of the week off so he made fun of Shawn on those days but Shawn got to return the favor on weekends when Daxter worked.
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         “Didn’t want to do the new boss room on our mains without you so figured we’d level another set to use when someone else isn’t on.” Scoot added.
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         “These fuck wanted to make another perma-death set like our mains but I don’t need more stressful boss rooms even if we’re on a lower difficulty.” Brandon wasn’t a fan of the perma-death characters as he found it a waste of time when they finally died. Shawn didn’t blame him as there were days when he wants to just sit and not stress about dying in game. The only reason he did play perma-death was that loot was better and he liked the challenge it added since you had to diversify your build and not go full damage.

         ​“Shall we do that boss room then since I’m home? I think we’re all geared enough to do it without to many issues with coordination.
​Silence for a moment before Brandon replied, “Let us finish this floor quick and we’ll join in.”
​That’s fine it’ll give me time to check my gear and possibly make some build changes. Any idea what the boss is for the room?” Shawn knew he looked it up before but couldn’t remember.

         Daxter knowing nearly every pixel of the game came in quickly, “Should be Thor-Storm, that should be this seasons 54th boss room. So you should go heavy on the lightning resist and minor on fire resist. His primaries are all lightning based but some of the aoe abilities cause the floor to ignite.”

         “I’m not sure how much lightning resist gear I have so I may have to play rear guard this fight. I have a few longer range weapons and abilities that I can equip but I’d want to do a quick mini-floor to get used to it since I haven’t run it in a while.” Shawn was a little nervous but he knew they had the capability to do it without issue.

         ​An hour later after completing a mini-floor they were all geared up and ready to do the boss room. The fight started and proceeded without issue when they final reached the final phase. The boss was down to one percent health when Shawn’s television suddenly cut out.
​“Fuck! NO NOT NOW!” he tried to turn the TV on with the remote with no luck. He dove for the power strip under the entertainment center to try unplugging it and plugging it back in. Occasionally his TV liked to do this but it hadn’t happened in a few weeks and had chosen the worst time to do so. Upon plugging the power cable back into the strip he received a nasty shock just as he heard his friends swear violently. As he got back up to his couch to turn the TV on he ask, “Did you guys get him?”

         The silence spoke volumes, Brandon was the first to speak, “We did…but your character died to his final attack just before we finished him off.”

         ​Shawn sat back into the couch as the TV began showing a signal and was greeted by the “you have been killed” screen. He sunk further into the couch as he returned to the main menu. The group was discussing how to proceed and the gear they got as Shawn went to the character creation screen where he stared blankly debating on whether or not to continue playing for the night. After what felt like an eternity Shawn finally spoke, “I think I’m going to head off for the night, dying killed the mood for me.”

         ​“Man what a bitch.” Daxter snap replied. There was no malice in his words nor did Shawn take it that way as it was how he and his friends spoke to each other.

         ​“Go fuck yourself.” Shawn replied trying to force a half smile some of which was genuine. “Either way I’ll talk to you guys later.” After more “insults” Shawn turned off his system and went upstairs to the bathroom to sit in the shower.

         ​Closing to door behind him he got undressed, started the shower, and sat down on the toilet and began watching videos on his phone. After about ten minutes he got up and just sat on the bath mat to continue watching videos. “Maybe I’ll get in the shower tonight, if I don’t I could always take one in the morning like usual.” He thought to himself. It was the same thought he always had when he sat on the floor instead of getting in the shower whether morning or night. After over an hour sitting on the floor he put his hand through his hair and decided it could go one more day. The grease in his hair built up fast but it was tolerable at the moment and he didn’t smell at least not enough that deodorant wouldn’t cover up for a day. Shutting the shower off he stood up and brushed his teeth, he has to resist the urge to bot do so but he wore a mouth guard every night and only made the mistake once before.
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         He made his way to the bedroom and looked at the clock, somehow it was already 10PM so he laid down and continued watching videos till the tug to sleep was too great after which he plugged his phone in put on a movie he’d listened to million times before and fell asleep.
         ​Shawn normally had pretty vivid dreams, and those that were on the cusp of being nightmares he was able to manipulate enough to steer them away from being one. That being tonight’s dream was not only vivid but he couldn’t manipulate it at all. He was suspended in what seemed like thick black clouds unable to really move freely. Soon the clouds began to show flashes of light as lightning began to flash slowly at first but began to speed up eventually reaching a point where at all moments there were multiple streaks going across the sky. There was no thunder to accompany the lightning which Shawn thought was odd but not only that the lightning had a surreal and accentuated electrical sound to it.

         Paranoia began to set in as Shawn began to feel a tingling across his body. To make matters worse the lightning began to form a large figure in front of him. Shawn felt like he was on the verge of a full panic attack as his breath became rapid and deep. As the figure began to take shape it started approaching Shawn slowly and that’s when he realized that the figure before him resembled the boss that had killed his character in the game he was playing earlier that night. Shawn began to tremble uncontrollably as the figure reached out and slowly grabbed his face in its massive hand. He felt it wrap around his head as its fingers seemed to grow in order to fully encompass his head. By the time it seemed like it stopped Shawn could only see out of one eye as the other had been covered. Shawn could see his eye but he was sure there was no color left in it as fear had begun to take over. He begged for it all to end when the figure puffed up its chest and began to squeeze Shawn’s head with growing pressure. The pain began to become nearly unbearable as at the same time he felt like his whole body was on fire. There was a sudden surge from the hand when Shawn woke up to the alarm going off on his phone.

         Shawn hadn’t slept all the way to his first alarm in months, he always woke up at least once just too immediately fall back asleep. He rolled over to turn it off and try to sleep to at least his second or third alarm but his head was screaming with pain that wouldn’t let that happen. Sitting up he felt the world spin for a moment as it adjusted to the sudden movement. Picking his phone up off the charger he slowly made his way to the bathroom to see if a shower would help his head. It was only a little after six in the morning and needed to leave at eight so he had plenty of time to see if it would help. Calling off would be the best option but he was the only dedicated IT person in the building so calling off was more frustrating than leaving early.

         ​He got in the shower and sat down putting his phone on the edge of the bathtub behind the curtain as to not get it as wet. As he set it down though he noticed something odd, his phone was still showing the charging icon. Closing his eyes for a moment and slowly tilted his head to the left, and then to the right. This normally helped clear his head at least for a few seconds. After opening his eyes he looked at his phone again and the charging icon was gone. “I must be in a lot of pain to see something like that.” He thought to himself as the warm water running over his legs finally registered to his brain and slowly soothed him.
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         With his eyes shut and a video playing he never truly fell asleep but his brain got a small rest until his 6:30 alarm went off. Turning it off he repeated the process with his 6:45, 7:00, 7:15, and 7:30 alarm. His 7:30 alarm was his “ok time to get out of the shower alarm. This was followed by a 7:40 alarm which was his ok time to get off the floor and get dressed alarm. The absurd number of alarms helped him if he over slept and keep track of where he should be in his process for getting ready for work each morning.