Memory and Pain

Hands caress the curves of my body
Mouth licks and sucks the skin
Heat and passion consume you
And the throbbing of muscles tingle within

The sweat running down your skin
The feel and rhythm sets in
As you both give in to the pleasure
Heart beats faster and pressure builds

The in and out of the motion
Hits spots that release pure joy
Who knew that this act of ecstasy
Would lead to a new creation

The slip of a condom and the release of a load
Brought the idea of a baby into the fold
Not what was wanted but to late now
Lots of discussions about how to take control

The lines are pink with a plus sign so bold
It is for sure now
That a baby is growing
Even if you don't want it to

The panic and fear is heard in your voice
As you have to tell him your pregnant
And it is definitely yours
So don't even try to fight

The shock would wear off and joy sets in
As you start to realize that your heart beats for two
You know that it is growing
And your body changes course

Excitement is hard not to have
When you think of this little bundle of joy
It is nestled inside you
So you can keep it safe

But after 12 weeks you notice a change
Pain hits you and you see the spots of blood
Told that it is normal
It is just your baby growing bigger

You stop to worry and think it is alright
Then while out to dinner the pain hits your side
You try to breathe through it
So no one will see that your gritting your teeth

You excuse yourself and go to the check
Then you notice that more than a spot of blood is there
You place a pad and hope for the best
Because you have to get home fast

You live the party and travel by car
To make it home without stressing and thinking to hard
You get to your home and notice the blood is thick
So you undress and sit in the tub to ease the pain

You start to contract and you already know the truth
You are losing the baby that means so much to you
Tears fall down and pain soon consumes your soul
Look and the water and see the blood flows

You passed that fetus all alone
No one to help you are to calm your soul
Your body is still hurting but you clean up the mess
Then crawl into bed and cry yourself to sleep

Now you have to tell the world that there is no baby inside
Then listen to all the things people said you could have done during this time
Maybe if you were smaller in size you could have managed to safe this new life
Maybe if you rested more or if you managed less stress

This things make no difference when I am upset
People use words to kick you when your down
They are not helpful when you feel dead inside
Only give unwanted advice

Your mind plays the what if game
Day in and day out you try and change the outcome
You cut a little more of your heart
And you crying is uncontrolled.

No one deserves this
The pain is a lot to bear
You lost your child
Before it even had a real life

With this loss
More just kept coming
Because now the one you love
Just leaves you too

Says he could not process this loss
But last time I check I did all the work
I felt the pain and lost the blood
I was the one now empty and sore

You create memories of a child never born
But because they were a part of you
The connection is so strong
You will never forget them

Over time the date July 6th a trigger
It was the day you should have been born
But instead November is the month of your demise
So much sadness for something so small

Always my little peanut
That is what you were called.
Lost you 4 days before being able to here your heartbeat
I guess that was what helped me be strong

Not hearing you in me
Was a real gift
Because it did not make it reality
But left you a dream