Nelida

A New Mother's Thoughts.

It is the end of the year 2003 and I have had so many changes this year, mainly this big change that is still so tiny and helpless. You my darling daughter. Your name means light. You are my little guiding light. Everything I have done in life is to prepare me for being your mother. As I look at you I know this is what I was born to do. It is overwhelming and wonderful all at once and you will not know how much I love you until you have one of your own. But always know that I will do anything for you, I will do my best to protect you from those who will do you harm, and love you no matter what.

The first time I saw you was the happiest moment of my life. I had a pretty painful labour but the second I saw you everything else faded and we were the only two people in the room. There was this incredible feeling of euphoria. A feeling I know I will never experience again. In that second I thanked God for the nine months of near hell and the pain of labour. It was all worth it because I had you.

My mother just called and said you looked like her Great Grandmother our namesake, I always knew I wanted to pass on the name and I can only hope you pass it on as well. I wanted to name you Lena but your father did not like it, I hope you like your names.

Choose well in life. I have some advice for you. I love you beyond words and hope that you are never afraid of anything life gives you. You will get through anything, you will survive and I will be by your side no matter where you are or what I am doing.

I picked up your first pictures today and you are gorgeous. I will never forget to tell you how beautiful you are. I ask that you always be kind and considerate to those less fortunate than you are. Always be respectful and grateful. Always stand up for your rights and beliefs and Always love God.

I love you. I wrote this so you might understand my state of mind when you were born and so I can remember what I was feeling.


I'm writing this when you are a year old. I hope I have not forgotten anything.

Going home with you from the Hospital was wonderful, everything looked different for me. I began to look at things differently seeing what impact everything would have on you rather than on me. I began to realize that my selfish days when I thought about myself were over. Grandma Rose took us home and the first things I did was clean. I was exhausted but the house was a mess, Your aunts had not cleaned and I could not leave my first born daughter in a dirty home. Though I am sure you did not care. At the Hospital before you came I was restless and after you came all we did was sleep, wish we had not had visitors we could have slept more. I went in on Sunday night and gave birth on Monday Afternoon. You needed a little help as i can only say you must have been very cosy. A total labour time of 2 days.

You have a gorgeous smile that like your name lights up my life, and your face. Don't ever stop smiling. You were about 5 weeks old when I first saw you smile and everyone told me I was being ridiculous because it as too early but from that moment when you saw me you smiled with your eyes and your mouth. It seemed like that smile was just for me. I used to jump in front of you just to see you smile.

I never thought I would love so unquestionably and unconditionally. I know that I would die and kill for you and love you no matter what. I picked your name because of its meaning, because you became the light in my dull life, my guiding light. I miss you when I'm at work and can't get enough of you when we're together. I know you'll be pulling away from me soon to have your have you own life just don't forget o spend some time with your mother.

I rejoiced with every first and last, Your first step, The last time you crawled. Your first cup, your last bottle. Your first words, your last breast feed which has yet to happen even though you are over a year old now. You were a greedy baby who took to the breast immediately after they brought to the hospital bed. You not only reached with your mouth but your hands. Your suckling was so strong but I have to say that to this day you have never bitten me. Looking into your brown eyes, your Father's eyes, when you suckled was magic. The whole world melted away and you and I were the only ones to ever exist or to exist right now. You lying next to me and cuddling, you opening my top when you realized how to get what you wanted, stripping my top down no matter where we were. Sometimes even going into your aunts tops. LOL.

Your first word was in answer to a question. You had just hit your head at your grandmother rose's house and I asked. "Nelida are you OK?" And you said yes. The whole house went up in uproar, your aunts, your grandmother and I all erupting in screams and hugs and kisses for you. Though your father will say your first words were DADA I refuse to acknowledge that, and since I am the one writing this what I say goes. The first time you stood was on my bed. Where you felt comfortable, I can only guess, as when you fell there was softness all around you to cushion your fall. Your first step was again at your Grandmother Rose's house but I was not there to see it. You were going to get some food. incidentally the first time you crawled was to get something too. I put a toy it in front of you and you crawled to get it. you loved to touch my face, and you enjoyed hearing people say ouch. Always scratching and pinching them to get a response. You love running around and getting chased and chasing others. Your favourite things to play with were never toys but rather whatever any adult was holding, remotes, phones, paper.

You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The instant I saw you my life had meaning and I knew you were my life and would be my life's work. There was the most overwhelming feeling of euphoria that I had ever experienced. If there was one things I wish for you in life it is that you experience what it feels like for everything to click for one moment in time, to feel a sense of purpose and centered. To know in that moment without a shadow of a doubt that everything will be ok. This my dear daughter is how I feel every time I look at you. Every time you kiss or hug me. Here are a couple of clichés you'll probably hear me say in your life. "Don't worry be happy" and "Live and Let Live". They are two of the rules I live by and I hope that I am able to imbed them in your life and communicate to you how important these sentiments are in life.