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The Lord can use even unqualified speakers. |
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Created: June 22nd, 2023 at 11:36am
Modified: June 22nd, 2023 at 12:07pm
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No Restrictions The substitute preacher
Sunday morning, I take my place behind the podium in my freshly pressed suit. I’m still wondering if this wasn’t all planned by some unseen hand. What were the odds my wife would pick this weekend to visit her folks in the county and the preacher would be out of town, and the three other people, who sometimes fill in, couldn’t be found? I was use to speaking to youth groups, not groups of full-grown adults.
I clear my throat, “This morning I’m going to tell you a story about Lazarus. Where was Lazarus for four days?” I could hear Bibles being opened, and pages being flipped, looking for John 11:1, then added, “The four days after he died, that is? Of course, we know his body was in the grave, but where was the rest of him.”
I was getting some questionable stares from Brother Henry and his wife Emma between their page flipping. They know the Bible inside and out and could quote you chapter and verse, and had probably heard every sermon that could be preached.
I studied my notes and went on, “We all know, Lazarus went to be with God or we can assume that he did as he was a righteous man. Now, God has a lot on him worrying about the Romans, the Rabbis, the Pharisees, the Sanhedrin, the Zealots, the Jews, the Gentiles, and the Bitanites, and the Bitanites was worrying God something fiercely. Anyhow, he’s busy and sometimes he misses new arrivals.”
I take a breath, “After Lazarus passes through the pearly gates, he takes a tour of the place, he is in awe about the magnificence of his new surroundings, and he hooks up later in the day with Noel and they get to talking about fishing and boats. So, they decide they’ll build a fishing boat. Noel goes through all his plans for boat building, but everything is too big, so they build a downsized Ark. They leave out all the rooms this time but put in a few more bathrooms. Noel said that was the main thing wrong with the first one, not enough bathrooms. The giraffes were always complaining about the elephants leaving such a mess.”
From the fifth pew back, I hear, “No, Jamie, they didn’t put any animals in this boat.”
I Hear Miss Minnie Tanner over in the Amen corner give out a big “Amen”, waking her husband up, and I wait for the congregation to settle down, and then proceed.
“For three days Lazarus and Noel are fishing and having a fish fry every night and on the fourth day of Lazarus' arrival, God sends an angel out to find Lazarus.
Jamie stands up on the seat and says, “Was God invited to the fish fry?”
I see Brenda Huff, she went to school with my wife, scoot down behind Brother Ray, he’s a great big barrel of a man, who’s sitting right in front of her, and she pulls Jamie closer to her. I find my place again and go on.
The angel appears and says, “God wants to see you.”
Lazarus: “What does he want?’’
The angel: “I don’t know, he just said to bring you back.”
Lazarus: “You tell him, I’m busy right now.”
The angel: “He ain’t going to like that.”
Lazarus: “You go on; I’ll be on later.” And Lazarus goes back to netting another fish.
God jumps up, “He said what?” And points his finger out over to where Lazarus and Noel are fishing.
“Now, this big eagle, I mean he is huge, you have never seen anything like that around here. He’d have the cows running for the barn, and he’s minding his own business, just flapping those big wings, doing his own thing, drifting around up there on the air currents watching for Lazarus or Noel to throw another fish back. They’re just keeping the big ones. And this eagle is about to go into a nosedive, seeing Lazarus is about to throw another fish back when a bolt of lightning streaks across the sky and knocks half his feathers off, and sets his tailfeathers on fire. He does a couple of barrel rolls and comes in for an emergency landing and knocks Lazarus right out of the boat with his tailfeathers smoldering.”
From the fifth pew: “No, Jamie, he didn’t hurt the eagle.” I watch Brenda whispering to Jamie, then from another pew, “I can’t hear,” and further back, “I want to hear.”
I see my wife has scooted away from her parents in the middle of the sixth pew. You know this church could use a new air conditioner.
“As I was about to say Lazarus pops up, then the eagle pops up and says, The Boss said right now.”
God looks over at Lazarus; who’s dripping water all over his newly waxed floor and says, “I need to send you back.”
Lazarus: He studies on this a minute; he’s only been here four days. “What if I don’t want to go back, I like it here.”
God: “It will only be for a little time.”
Lazarus: “Oh, no you don’t, I know what you call a little time.”
God: “But think about what you’re missing.”
Lazarus: “That don’t fly either, I’d be worried about the Romans, the tax collectors, whose stealing my sheep, the Bitanites, and besides those two sisters of mine got PMS this week.”
Near the back of the church, a row of teenagers erupts in muffled laughter. Once it’s still again, I hear an “Amen” from the second row and it starts all over again.
Now I’m standing there thinking and looking at the communion cup sitting on the little table beside the podium. The cup has been refilled and nearly full and this church uses real wine. I better not and cleared my throat and started again.
God: “Sorry about that, but you’re going back,” and he zaps Lazarus back down below.
Lazarus says: “Lord, it's dark in here.”
God: “I know, you’re in a tomb.”
Lazarus: “How long I got to lay here?”
God: “I’m not sure, Jesus broke a sandal, and it might be a while, but he’s on his way again.”
Lazarus: “Lord.”
God: “What now!”
Lazarus: ‘I’m afraid of the dark.”
From pew number five: Jamie, “See, I’m not the only one afraid of the dark.”
I’m looking at that cup of wine again and Satan is about to win; I hear an “Amen” from the amen corner, and I bless them and proceed.
God: “Ok, how’s this?” A swarm of lightning bugs appears.
Lazarus: “Lord.”
God: “What now?”
Lazarus: “This place is small, you sure there’s enough air in here and it stinks, smells like something died in here.”
Lord: “Oh, sorry about that, how about now?”
Lazarus: “Hey, that’s some great-smelling stuff, what do you call it?”
God: “It’s a special mixture; I call it Sin-No-More # 5.”
Lazarus: “We could bottle that and make a fortune selling it to those Bitanites.”
God: “Be quiet, here he comes.”
Now, Jesus is talking to Mary and Martha and listening to Lazarus at the same time.
Jesus is thinking; you can come out now Lazarus.
Lazarus: “Can’t the doors shut.”
“Right,” Jesus says, and he sends two men to move the rock away.
Jesus: “Ok, how about now?”
Lazarus: “Can’t, I’m tied up and ain’t you supposed to put some theatrics’ into this?”
Jesus: “Right, but you’re going to have to hippity hop on out of there.”
Lazarus: “Why?”
Jesus: “Because I’m sensitive to perfume and I can smell that stuff all the way up here.”
I notice a little seat shifting near the back of the church. Two of the Baxter girls have out their perfume and are spraying two twin boys in front of them. The ceiling fans are moving the perfume across the pews, and everyone is sniffing and looking around and a few old ladies are fanning the heck out of their fans they got over at the funeral home. While another group is looking back, which causes everyone to stare at the Dunn boys, who look like they just got caught getting out of the wrong car at the drive-in movie, and their faces turn a new shade of red as they scoot to the end of the pew. The Baxter girls are looking at me as if nothing happened. Why did they refill that cup? I look upwards for a moment and go on.
“Where the heck was I?” Which, I didn’t mean to say out loud.
From the fifth pew back, “Jesus don’t like perfume,” I see Brenda put a hand over Jamie’s mouth again.
Lazarus: “Ok, don’t go getting your beard in a knot and I’ll have you know this whole thing was not my idea. I wanted to stay.”
“Now, here’s something else to think about. Lazarus has been lying on a cold hard slab of stone for four days, never moving, all wrapped up and you want him to just throw the covers back and come running out.”
Jesus holds up his hands and shouts: “Lazarus, come forth.”
Lazarus: “Jesus Christ you don’t have to shout, I’m not deaf you know.”
“So, Lazarus goes hopping around with his feet all tangled up in the bindings and finally makes it out the door; when he is unbound and Jesus says, you sure smell potent?”
“Lazarus: I think it’s something your dad is mixing up to use on the Bitanites it’s called Sin-No-More # 5.”
You don’t miss much standing behind the podium, and I see a couple of the brothers get up and raise some windows, then I notice my wife edging the rest of the way across the pew. She’s not much of a perfume person. She gets up and raises another window. I guess the perfume is getting to her, but she keeps on edging around the wall until she gets to the door. About that time Brother Jessy McBride jumps up, “It’s time to show our love for God in song, turn to page 69...We shall overcome.
A couple of days later, I’m at home, and my wife is still in the…What were you thinking, when the phone rings and I hear a whole lot of …Oh’ really’, and she comes back later all smiles. “That was Preacher Reynolds, he said Jesus wasn’t sensitive to perfume, but that perfume in the church Sunday was another story. You might not have noticed, but the Baxter girl’s boyfriends were sitting in front of them, not next to them like they always do, because the Baxter girls caught their boyfriends coming out of a movie house in Cookeville and they were holding hands with Thomas Brown's daughters. I guess it was payback time and Mr. Reynolds wanted to thank you. He just baptized three in the youth group. They said if God didn’t zap you out of that pulpit when you were up there, they wanted whatever it was you had. And they added a new thing to their church bulletin (The Bible research word for the week) that was clever throwing in that bunch of Bitanites. You did do that on purpose, didn’t you?”
“Well! Didn’t you?”
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