Deep connections

''Sydney, welcome. I'm glad that you've decided to follow up on Sir Melendez's advice. Just remember, this therapeutic counseling won't get you on leave or anything. '' I nodded as the woman in front of me informed me about the details of this session. A lot has happened, I worked as a chemist, but my workplace decided to organize a welfare check on all of their employees. It was a bit weird considering the fact that little to no other people experience this in their field of work. ''Yeah, yeah... I just- I think I have only one question.'' The woman that was supposedly called Theresa nodded, urging me to ask away. I scraped my throat before continuing. ''Why do humans feel the need to belong? Look, this might seem weird, but what I mean is why do we want- no need to be with other people to feel comfortable or happy? What difference does it make if we're alone? '' Theresa's eyebrows furrowed a bit at my question, she looked a bit perplexed, but I just kept my mouth shut. ''Hm. How about this, why don't you tell me about yourself? Just tell me why you feel the need to ask this question, after that I can answer it. '' She requested, I pondered a bit before nodding reluctantly.


''I have been thinking about this question for quite some time.'' I stopped, pondering whether to continue or not. I've never really liked opening up to strangers, especially to a therapist. Maybe it's for the better if I let go of that bruising rope I've been pulling with full strength for so long. I cleared my throat and continued. ''When I was in high school, I had a group of friends. We always hung out together, ate lunch together, basically everything. After our winter holidays a new girl joined our class, she was a bit left out and I decided to talk to her and be friends with her. It all started out good, she was kind and considerate, everything in that area. Although after a while she started changing, she started pushing me away and... She started doing activities with my friends that I wasn't made aware of, when I didn't come, she told my friends I had said to her that I didn't want to go. From that point on it was all just me getting left out, not soon after that she uhm... Started fake rumors, for some reason my friends all seemed to believe her. I felt alone, it was as if- as if no one saw me. I felt alone with no friends, a bad reputation. The only thing I had was my intelligence. But it wasn't enough, no not for me. It was never enough. As this continued my mental health plummeted and it felt like I was locked in a room that kept shrinking every time I tried to talk. I had no motivation, I started cutting. Of course it got noticed, I had to see a school therapist. It went terrible, she just kept asking questions, and my parents? They didn't give a shit, as long as I got good grades. I didn't want to feel like I was someone no one cared about, I switched schools without telling them. I never heard from them again. And still, it still hurts sometimes knowing that I will never get an apology of some sort for all the shit they've put me through. I made sure to choose a school where none of the students knew any of my old friends, it went slightly better and I had a few friends. It just never felt the same until I started university and made real friends. It sounds really cliché, I know, but sometimes it's just so hard to forget the fact that these terrible things happened. ''


I exhaled softly, I hated those memories. I never wanted to relive them ever again, that's why... That's why I tried so hard to be likeable, to be friends with everyone, all so that I would never be alone again. Theresa handed me a tissue before sitting back in her chair and scribbling something down on her notepad. ''Listen, your story is not clich'é It's a valid and painful event you went through, not only that. It can be very underwhelming when you feel isolated and criticized by people whom you call friends. Now, it's really understandable that you question the fact that people will still try and seek the attention and comfort from other people even though they've probably been hurt like you have. ''
Theresa stopped for a bit to let her words sink in and truly make me think about them. After what felt like a couple of minutes she started talking again. ''We have studied the emotions of humans as they are, done experiments and much more. What we now know is that the need, the desire for belonging in the world is a necessary and fundamental human feeling. I mean, if we all felt like that then the suicide rate would be really high, but it isn't, right? '' She punctuated her words with the movement of her hands, really trying to make sure I understood everything. I gave her a slight nod, giving her the sign to continue. ''We are social creatures, Sydney. It makes us have a strong need to connect with others and feel like we belong to a group, a community at best. It's been like this since the start of complex life on earth. Especially for us humans. Without this desire and need to feel like we belong we'd probably be extinct if it wasn't for our ancestors hunting together, eating together, and protecting each other. It makes us feel safe and the feeling is quite fulfilling if you pay very close attention. ''


I swallowed thickly, the dreadful feeling I felt was sinking slowly. It felt like I had finally heard the truth after being lied to my whole life. ''You have made a lot of mistakes; you'll continue to make them in the future too no matter what. I just want you to know that if you let these mistakes stop you now, you might as well lie down and give up on life. I'm happy right now, and you should be happy too. Do you know why? Because I don't expect anything from anyone. These expectations always hurt. Our lives are short, so you should love and cherish it, be happy, keep smiling. You don't need to live someone else's life to be happy, live for yourself. Before you speak, listen. Before you write, think. Before you spend, earn. Before you pray, forgive. Before you hurt, feel. Before you hate, love. Before you quit, try and before you die, live. Live with the people you hold close to your heart and then. Then you can start thinking about why we feel the need to belong. '' I choked out a sob, tears streaming down my face. Why am I crying? Maybe it's because for once my body felt this light, as if I was a feather, that the wind could blow away with ease. I didn't expect her words to reach this deep, I didn't know her and neither knew she who I was. I bet I looked ridiculous crying about some mere facts, but at this point I couldn't find a moment to care. Not now when everything felt like a soft blur of tranquility and my overflowing emotions. ''I-I'm sorry I... I don't know why I'm crying right now. '' I tried apologizing, in a shaky tone. Theresa lightly shook her head trying to reassure me that everything was alright. ''How about we have some lunch and talk a bit more. I'm sure the others won't mind it if our session takes a bit longer. '' I sheepishly nod my head and sit upright, giving her a soft smile.