hope

Dear God,

My loneliness has grown into confusion... A whirlwind of emotions. I was once a tree growing in a large field amongst others, but I have become a weeping willow unable to hold its head high for fear of realizing that it is alone, watching the pigment abandon the once radiant leaves. I feel ashamed being in this field, as if the silence is only here to mock me rather than just a natural coincidence, squirrels come and climb my tree limbs and I am there only to remain helpless, only able to sway in the way the wind blows. I’m no longer free and tall, I’m frail. Birds come onto my limbs in search of berries, some source of rations, only to realize that my buds are not fruitful. They chirp amongst each other which I again see as a mock from nature. I have multiple nicks in my bark from these animals. Each one different, signifying that no one bird has ever returned to the fruitless, limping tree. Will water be enough to satisfy the roots thirst? Will sunlight be enough to please the needs of the leaves? Not at all... The rehabilitation process will require someone willing enough to also fertilize, pick weeds, and most of all, have enough faith that my limbs will be able to be restored, not that their every effort was in vain and it was a hopeless cause.

I’ve been taught since I was young that your obstacles are tasks to test how devoted we are to You. I have never questioned my faith, and in a sense this seems to only make your power seem even more real; spontaneous doubt which causes self reflection. Is it my job to wonder cause? Even to predict outcome? Before this, I was completely at peace with my typical life, my usual friends, and my habitual standards. But now, some of those options are not even available for criticism. Has my isolation opened the door for you to open my eyes to the ways of my life and reveal that the ways of my life were not your standards? That knowing the truth no longer measured against living it?

I never thought that the problems that manifest in the world of man would suffice in the religious intimacy I share with you. I constantly question myself. Why can't things be how they once were? Why do I have any doubt whatsoever? Thoughts of you disappeared so rapidly I was unable to either realize the cause or consequence, I was simply left in an emotionally vegetative state that left me barely able to comprehend that it was gone in the first place; and I come to realize, this never pulled me farther from you, but simply drew me closer to self. Now that I realize this change was a chance for me to repudiate the sins of my past and forgive myself of the unchangeable and let it rest in the hands of fate, I became at peace with my state. I hope that I have not simply created an avenue for more excuses to escape the root of my introverted feelings that I have yet to share with family and the best of friends, but I would like you to know, that from now on I refuse to run from my past... Unless of course, I'm running towards you.

Sincerely,
Someone in need of your care