For the point of view you were going for, it comes across excellently! I really like the irony of the whole thing, put in that particular perspective! Very punny, humourous...
There is nothing that I can suggest as far as improvement for this piece... Keep at it! I hope to see more of your work in the future!
I have read quite a few of your poems now and I feel you a very good writer. This piece would be to no exception! I do have a few suggestions as to improvement, however.
In the 3rd stanza down, if you added the word from in between the words it and harming, it would flow a bit better.
In the 4th stanza, the 2nd to last sentence, I feel the word past would perhaps be better, instead of out.
The only other thing I see is that you have the word realized spelled incorrectly.
I feel this poem flows excellent - I absolutely love this piece. Written with such intensity, it literally sent shivers down my spine, tears coming to my eyes. I'm sure the person it was meant for will feel the same... I only have one VERY minor suggestion and that would be to put a comma in between alone and God's in the last stanza of the poem.
Overall, I really like this piece. I'm not sure if I like the way impotent flows with the rest, however. Willful, perhaps?
I also favor the last stance and feel you ended this piece wonderfully. I do find myself asking, though, if it should really be qualified as poetry. Repeating it over and over to myself, I feel this piece is more of a song... Have you ever thought of writing song lyrics - I think you would exceed exceptionally in that particular area!
Overall, this is an excellent story. I like the chosen topic and the descriptive detail that you have used to portray the situation.
There are only a couple of things I think could help you to improve it a bit. In the 5th paragraph from the bottom, it would flow better if you removed the word and between breasts and savoring. Also, I noticed the excessive use of commas throughout the piece. The typical rule would be if there are three objects the commas would be used - ex. Jane, Bob, and I went - but if there are only two objects, the comma would not be used - ex. - Jane and Bob went.
Hope this helps and keep writing! As I mentioned before, besides a few things on the editing, the story itself is wonderful!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/1grumpybear
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:13pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
