This was quite an engaging piece. I loved the soft humor you've spread through out this story. I've noticed with a lot of comical stories the humor seems forced and out of place, but in your story the humor is more natural as if this story is being told to me by a good friend of mine.
There are a couple of things I think could be improved. In some places you get a little wordy. For example: "was my boss shouting something to the effect of ‘You’re fired’ at me." To me this line would sound a lot better written like, "was my boss shouting 'You're fired!' at me." The fewer words you use to describe something the more engaged the reader is likely to be. I run into the same problem all the time.
My last comment is on the length of this story. After finishing I felt like there could have been so much more. I was caught in the beginning and it was like I was just getting into the meat of the story when it ended. This is is only my opinion of course.
Overall you've done a good job and you're humorous style shines in your writing.
Keep up the good work and Write on.
Hello
I enjoyed reading this short piece. This story is very discriptive and I can easily picture the scenes written here. I also like the organization of this piece. There are a few things that I might suggest though. Please keep in mind that this is only my opinion.
First I'd like to point out that I thought the sentence, " I spin round feeling my neck where the hot breath had been released." didn't sound right. It's not that this sentence is incorrect in grammar it just could be worded a bit differently to sound better.
The biggest problem I found with this story is that it's too short. There are so many unanswered questions. Why was the boy in the forest? What was in the forest? Who is close again? etc.
I do hope you intend to add more to this story because I feel this could be really good.
Overall a good read. This piece just needs more story to answer the readers questions.
It is a beautiful piece with lots of imagery and creative word play. The image is clearly painted into the readers mind. This piece is really quite good, but the reason I gave it a 3.5 is because there are a few mechanicle errors holding it back.
First thing I noticed was in the beginning few lines. "Words stoned me thru a tornado" and, "We release are secrets between lines thru bars,stanzas and melody". "Thru" needs to be spelled "Through".
"Guilt and shame have fallen like a stormy, lightening struck sky that pours rain" This line is a bit wordy as, from your later description, it is clear that it's stormy. It might be better to say, "Guilt and shame have fallen like a lightening struck sky that pours rain".
In the line, "Like a blanket laid over gently to protect and hide" the reader doesn't know if it was the blanket that was laid over gently, or if it was protected and hidden gently. This line might sound better if put, "Like a blanket gently laid over to protect and hide".
Then in the sentence, "Empty souls have 'een' awaken and 'alls' spirits have risen to the occation" "een" should be "been" and "alls" should be "all".
These are just a few notable areas that I would correct, but please remember that these are just my suggestions.
Overall this piece is quite good and will just take a little refining to make it shine.
This story creates a vivid image in the readers mind. It's easy to see that this story could become something great, but there are a couple of mistakes holding it back.
First, I liked the organization of the paper and how it transitioned from one paragraph to the next, but at times it is a bit wordy.
In the sentence, "The thing mimicked him, taking the same amount of steps and stopping." You already told the reader that the creature is mimicking him so you don't need to describe it taking the same amount of steps.
Then in sentence, "Carl squinted into the dark to try and see well." You don't need "well" in this sentence and the sentence would sound better without.
There are a couple of places in this story that could be reworded to sound better.
In the sentence, "There were very little people on the road at this hour." To me this sentence doesn't sound right. It might be better to say, "There weren't many people on the road at this hour."
These are just a few notable changes I would make. Please remember these are just my suggestions.
Overall I really enjoyed your piece, and with corrections, this story could become really great.
I really did like this piece. Word choice and organization are nice, and this piece flows perfectly. It creates a neat image in the readers mind. I also liked the title you chose for this piece. The only thing that I could suggest is to make it longer. I think there could be more added to this to keep the reader engaged.
Overall you did a great job on this!
This piece is quite vivid. The word flow is very nice and creates the image of a shattering T.V quite clearly in the readers mind. I did like the organization and your choice of words. The only suggestion I can make is to change "That" to "Than" in the sentence, "Material things, that you loved more 'that' me are gone".
Other then that great work.
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