I liked this. It has a good message that it communicates with simplicity. This is a great example of showing, particularly with Sandy, without much telling.
I always thought the ending of the three little pigs was rather grim, telling it in sing-song somehow makes it even more sinister. I can almost imagine this being something the Joker would fall asleep to. Additionally, if snortle is not already a word, it needs to be.
Initial thoughts:
I'll admit, this broke a smile out of me.
Constructive:
What little I know of comedy writing is that a true comedic moment comes out of the unexpected and the subversion of the serious. You have made the serious tone of intersystem trade deals and the high-stakes-poker atmosphere somehow coexists with the laughably silly alien description. That's some good writing right there.
Criticism:
The fact that they dance is funny by itself, the Miley Cyrus addition takes it a little too far and breaks the immersion and the joke, but that was just my experience.
Conclusion:
A well built joke with excellent subversion and set up given the word limit.
Initial Thoughts:
The "Broken Goose" reveal is interesting. I first thought that Angel was labeling herself as broken, what with the poor marriages, but on second consideration it could also be a reference to Papa Goose's convalescence, which would connect with an Inn very well. Perhaps it's a double meaning?
Constructive:
The description was done well, I could easily see the Inn with the sign, and Angel standing out in front of it. The dialogue and inner reflections made all the characters feel human, which is a skill I must commend you for. I enjoy works that show thought in foundations. For example, setting up her childhood to build expectations that would go unmet in reality makes me think that you could build something with a powerful emotional payoff (should you continue of course).
Criticism:
While good on their own, the descriptions can feel a little cumbersome. For instance: "A stranger walking by the bright yellow Victorian house with the white wrap around porch over looking the ocean would have seen a woman of perhaps sixty, dressed in blue jeans and a flannel shirt, shirt tails flapping in the breeze." is one sentence that could have easily been two or even three. Keep the content, it's good, but space it out a little. A few more hints as to when things like the phone calls and the visitors arriving are in relation to each other would help as well.
Conclusion:
Still a little rough around the edges, but full of promise. Please continue your work with this.
Initial Thoughts:
This was fun, but who is speaking?
Constructive:
It is pleasant to read about kindness and work done on another's behalf, and the image of the messy, busy backyard alone is worth a smile.
Criticism:
Perhaps I missed something, but is this written from a child's perspective, a father/child team, or that of grown up children? I can't imagine a kid building a treehouse like this.
Conclusion:
Equally silly and warm-hearted, this poem made me smile.
Initial Thoughts:
This was an absolute blast to read.
Constructive:
Obviously the pacing and descriptive language is dazzling. I particularly like the period at the end of "The sound of thunder awoke me.", because it emphasizes the abrupt halt to the fantasy.
Criticism:
If there are any errors in this piece, they escape me.
Conclusion:
This is an excellent poem. Even the grammar is interesting!
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