You have a wonderfull imagination! It`s a great start. Perhaps you can trim it down. Also, "tales of torments so horrific they {lose "that" } Was it the tales that turned the children in to creatures beyond recognition or is that what was so horrific? Focus on clarity and concision and keep up the good work! Adam
I`ve looked over your story again and I realy do like the twists and turns. For online presentation I recomend a line space between your characters dialogue, as it`s easier on the eyes. It reads quite easily, and the clarity isn`t bad. Some of it is very exciting, and I think this story has a lot of potential. My only suggestion: more character devolopment. what is Henry`s moral character? what does he believe in? Sure, he`s working undercover, but he`s human, and since your narrating in the third person you`re god-like to explore all his humanity, his every thought. These are the things that truly bring a character to life for the reader. It`s what makes the reader care about the character.
It`s only my oppinion, but I wouldn`t keep the true identity from the reader at all. The work would be much fuller if Henry was a real guy from the start who is working undercover and has a family he`s worrying about, as well as his own life. It seems much more realistic, and you would have the opportunity to get the reader rooting for him, which is paramount to a good novel. Although I like the plot, it reads more like a movie script than a piece of literature. I hope this helps.
I`m not much of a reviewer, particularly of essays, but I think this piece exceptional. I believe the stock and trade of the essayist is to project the flavor of their personality directly onto paper, and you have achieved this with seeming ease. In regard to subject matter it is obvious you know your stuff, and you provide some unique and interesting correlations and contrasts between prose and poems. Excellent work.
I think you have a very good story here, and I am surprised this story hasn`t been rated higher. The writing is very concise. It is very funny, and humor, in my oppinion, is one of the hardest things to achieve in the short short story. After the first two paragraphs I was confident that I was being led by a very competent writer with a very orderly mind. Of course, I don`t know this, you might be completely mad.
But you`re still a hell of a writer!!Take care.
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