Very nice. I don't think it is silly. Why don't you expand it? It seems you have a much longer work. At first I didn't see self-doubt in it. Why return to the dark corners, especially when an angel is holding you? Try more metaphors and similies; I myself feel like a flower (rose?) struggling to bloom. Fear of a dark shadow, fear of death, critism, the unknown... Keep writing! Amer
Very good. Simple--yet profound.
I'm not sure how or if you should change it, but the lack of punctuation at the end of the line was a minor irritant. You have a typo in line three, "today" is misspelled. To say "the sun arose" implies conscious action, perhaps you could say "came up." Do you mean "eye" or "eyes?" Maybe "simple" fact? Do you "think" or only hope he realizes you love him more..Maybe reverse the words hope and think, in order to avoid repeating hope, tho two hopes wouldn't bother me. It's beautiful!
It's good. I know how you feel about wanting reviews, its the problem we all face. Well, there is mystery. And I'm afraid I don't understand the title, nor the ending. But I'm American, remember.
I like your simile of "pebble in a shoe."
First, I'd like to point out how you can be clearer with clauses.Always have a subject which acts or is acted on, before the comma. Such as in the twelveth paragraph, "...emptying my bladder.....the sink catches
a casual glance as well as the toliet paper and soap.." Obviously you are doing the emptying and glancing, but it modifies sink. And did the paper and soap fall in?
"The late summer sun burning red, Granpa handed down more than a timepiece." I like the first part, but what does it have to do with grandpa?
You catch my drift.
I just read somewhere that "rewriting is the mark of a professional writer." We must go over and over our stuff, unfortunately, no one is perfect and we can always improve. I sense a lot of energy and ambition in you, do keep on writing and submit your best work. Good luck. Amer
Fascinating! (I couldn't stop reading!) What a wonderful collection--some I agreed with, some not. I'm anxious to submit, but can't think of one just now. Im glad it will be growing and evolving.Many people need to have engraved in their mind "An argument will only exist if you fight back." You will probably need some sort of classification system soon:i.e. Religion, Animals..Keep up the good work! amer
Very good. It's easy, not forced. I like the rythmn, and the vivid images.I like the words dancing up and down your arm, the broad hint of writing to have something of yourselves left to posterity, if not eternity. "To fire off a well aimed verse" might be an easier opening, stating the theme--since cordite is a relatively unfamiliar word. We all want to challenge fate, to scream "Wait a minute, it doesn't have to be like that!" Keep up the good work!--amer
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/amer
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:28pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
