OH MY GOODNESS. Didn't see THAT ending coming. That was great! Wow. The narration lulled me into thinking that this would be a sweet story, sweetly tied up. Maybe ending with a prayer thanking God for the opportunity to care for the children. But nope, not happening. That was a fun read for sure.
I thought the narration was close to flawless until the part about the abortion. That jolted me as a reader; it felt too sudden and clearly drawn out. If it was a secret she kept from everyone, maybe the narration should reflect that by relating the abortion in a more hinting, gradual way, as if the narrator too is reluctant to give out this information. Then again, knowing the end, it almost seems fit that it should be so abrupt and relatively emotion-less. ;)
My other suggestion is about the Ethan scene, when he comes to Mack and Bama with his request. I felt disbelieving the whole time. I think it comes down to the dialogue, especially when Ethan says the part beginning with, "It will be a two year journey to several third world countries...." I mean this is a HUGE request he's asking of them, but it sounds flat and robotic here. So maybe if descriptions of Ethan being nervous, but excited, pleading, sincere, etc. were included - some details revealing this to the reader - this part would be more believable.
The last part, despite the suddenness and incredibility of it, was very believable to me. I thought it was a great twist. With that bit, the whole story was changed, which was a lot of fun for me as the reader. Ha ha. :)
just one typo I saw...
"didn’t you just live" --> "didn't you just love"
This is such a creative story. I'm still wondering what exactly happened to the boy... I'm almost sure, but not 100%. But that may be your intention, to leave some uncertainty about him, in reflection of the uncertainty in life, more particularly his life. Or I could have misread something. I appreciate how realistic you are - even as the girl mourns, the narrator says truthfully, without shirking, that she too will forget. The stepfather's discomfort in the news - it could be for guilt, or simply that he's missing his baseball game. No artificial sentiments here! I appreciate that because it is true to life.
The only figure here who wasn't quite believable, for me, was the boy. He seemed perfect, simply a pure blameless victim, in this story. But maybe you meant it that way? But for me, just one of your readers here, I felt he was almost too angelic, taking away from the more sincere sympathy I could've felt for him if he too had some flaws, something to make him more of a human, and thus more tragic that he dies... Please feel free to disregard this idea, though.
I thought this was a very good 'rough draft.' You kept my attention until the very end, and you have a natural, smooth style of writing. The story was intriguing, and in my view had a beautiful message. I think you have the ability to draw a reader "into" the story, similar to some popular authors today.
I wanted to raise up a few ideas with you, just to think about - feel free to take or leave them. Rogan being so beautiful and chivalric in an old-fashioned way is a nice contrast to his inner struggle with 'badness,' but I'll have to be honest, it reminded me of Twilight, and I was expecting him to end up being some kind of supernatural entity. Maybe instead of describing him to look so perfect - because he is very human, after all, and has very human struggles - you could describe his handsomeness in a less-cliche of a way, bringing our attention to some human flaws in his beauty, which in turn could foreshadow some of his inner flaws. Also it would just be more realistic, and might help the reader imagine him better.
After Rogan tells the narrator the story about his father and mother, and compares himself to the father, and her to the mother, most readers would realize immediately what was going to happen. I knew that somewhere down the line he would kill her. So maybe here the foreshadowing is a bit TOO obvious. To keep the mystery going, maybe you could scatter these hints throughout in a more subtle way.
A last suggestion: in the first paragraph, it seemed like there were too many "I"'s, which sounded a bit clunky. That was only in the first paragraph though.
I thought this was an imaginative, entertaining story with a thoughtful twist at the end.
Please feel free to take or leave my suggestions :)
- At times, the dialogue felt unnatural, overly informational, like I was reading a how-to booklet written by a medium on the spirit-world, instead of a story. Maybe you could cut out the irrelevant information and focus on fleshing out Temperance and Agnes a bit more. They are already interesting, but you could make them even more so. :)
- Also I noticed that we are given a very close perspective from Agnes in the beginning, allowed to hear her thoughts etc. But through the dialogue between her and Temperance, the narration grows distant from her. Then abruptly, we switch to Temperance's perspective. "Temperance’s heart was drumming in her chest..." This was a little too sudden. Maybe you should ease into it a little more or stay consistent with one perspective.
My last suggestion is for the first paragraph. These are just little ways to make it flow better I think (empty brackets mean I took out a word):
"When Agnes looked out of her kitchen window, she saw a young woman {} slowly walking up the front lawn. It was the first time [Agnes had seen] the woman {} around her home."
"Agnes thought it was one of the neighbor’s friends. [But] When Agnes opened the front door..."
"Even though she hated not being in control, it wasn’t the first time she had become aware of spooky things around her..." The first phrase "Even though..." has nothing to do with the main part of the sentence "it wasn't the first time..." Maybe you should make them separate sentences altogether, or just take out the first phrase?
I liked the vivid descriptions of Temperance and the description of the last monster. :)
The only grammatical error I noticed was in the third stanza. "Somebody has told you / They love you at last." Note you use the singular word "Somebody" but in the next line you use the plural word "They." It's a tricky issue to resolve. As far as I can tell, these would be your alternatives:
"Somebody has told you / [She] loves you at last." or "Somebody has told you / [you are loved] at last."
In the first stanza, the images are not quite consistent, though this may just be me. You say "a dim-lit room," but then you say "Surrounded by... infinite gloom." This could be just me, but I think of a low golden light with the first phrase, and gray fogginess with the second. Maybe you should figure out the image and the meaning you want to convey, and make sure each word helps toward that.
The most awkward stanza is the second. The others flow nicely, but this one sounds clunky, and I think it is the third line that does it. I would try experimenting with the number of syllables. If you had a consistent syllable scheme, you might be able to make the whole poem flow even better than it does. And it might be just fun to experiment.
I liked the symmetry in it, how your first stanza and your last have the same rhyming words "free, be, me, family," and both begin with "butterfly, butterfly." The only thing that breaks up this symmetry, I noticed, was the fourth stanza. Instead of continuing the pattern set by the previous two ("Lead on. Lead on" and "Help me. Help me."), you put "Butterfly, butterfly," like the first and last stanzas. This is the only thing that mars the symmetry. I don't know if that was intentional or not? Maybe you could put, "Hear me. Hear me." instead. Also, I was wondering about the 'logical' progression of the stanzas. You go from "lead on" to "help me" to "hear my prayer." Should it go "hear my prayer" to expanding on what that prayer is - "help me" - then to the conclusion of submitting to the butterfly - "lead on"?
It is just an idea, feel free to disregard any of this. I think you write very well. :)
I really liked this story! You have a nice way of writing, not wordy or overly-complicated.
The line <"Weep," she wept> made me laugh, it sounds so goofy.
I also liked that this story had a meaning, and I'm pretty sure I get it ... the sandwich metaphor, I mean. All of those ways of description using food were nice little touches, the lights like honey and in particular the toothpicks and cheese! That one's vivid.
Overall Good job!!
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