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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/amok1984
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Public Reviews
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Review of Memory Lapse  Open in new Window.
Review by AmokTheClown Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I liked the premise of the story. i did find you double-tapping a few times on descriptive words.
"...His body seemed slow and weak, each movement laborious and effortful..."
you've effectively said the same thing twice. if you feel like the sentence is too short, try not to pad it by saying the same thing again. sometimes short sentences have more impact.

maybe; "...his body felt weak, every movement was an effort...", or even the other way around.

Also, some of the sentences didn't flow very well. It wasn't a case of it being poorly worded, the descriptions were good, some just felt like they need to be rearranged in order to sound right.

for example; here is your paragraph...


"...He looked back to see his captor was still eyeing him with a mixture of disgust and contempt. Then she leaned back against her seat and sighed. The anger seemed to slip away from her face. "It's getting harder you know," she said without really looking at him. "Every time you are more mistrustful, the same routines no longer run the same course. Some of our people theorize that after so many repetitions you are building up certain procedural memories about your situation that we can't erase." She shook her head. "How could we have foreseen that?..."

and here it is again with a few things moved around.

"...He looked back to see his captor still eyeing him with a mixture of disgust and contempt. She leaned back against her seat, the anger slipping from her face.
"It's getting harder you know," she sighed without really looking at him, "every time you are more and more mistrustful. The same routines no longer run the same course.
Some of our people think that after so many repetitions you are building up certain procedural memories about your situation that we can't erase.
How could we have foreseen that?..." she said, shaking her head..."

it's all still there, just modified a little.

i'm not trying to pick things apart, and i won't fry you for spelling or punctuation. i'm terrible at it. absolutely terrible.
things that concern me the most are; is it an intriguing story/idea (and this is), does it flow well/carry momentum (it does, but could be better)

and if its short, than its short. don't pad it. that's for essays and reports. i read a book the other day that was so chock full of descriptive words that you could have told the same story with half the pages. And it still sucked!!!

Good premise, well written. And i like the ending point you had, very funny.
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Review of Silver Beginnings  Open in new Window.
Review by AmokTheClown Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
wow. that was alot to take in. The style of writing is like that of many fantasy novels, and i can see where you draw your inspiration. i generally find it hard to follow these types of stories and this one was no different. Your use of story-specific dialects, names, places and other such things like religions and tribes is very overwhelming.
Don't misinterpret this as something bad. It's awesome how much detail you've created and its this that gives your world depth, this is good. however, maybe if you held just that little bit back at the begining and then slowly introduced more and more it wouldn't be so hard to take in. if the Story had been longer again, then this wouldn't have been necessary as the reader has more time to 'warm-up' i guess. i liked the introduction of the elder and the way you created a feeling of reverence from the central character. The descriptions of the power these two possesed was very good to, especially when compared to each other.

".............She opened her mouth to protest the invasion, but before she could, a being stronger than any she had ever known entered her mind. A seething, rolling caldron of energy quickly gathered into a thin, questing tendril of light that swallowed everything she was or would be. She gasped at the feeling of being overfilled, similar to a water skin stretched to the limit. Before there could be real pain, she was released with whisper of regret................."

i also like the joke at the end about losing the bet.
I'm still a little confused as to who these 'invaders' are, you didn't mention much of them, but i'm looking forward to the next installment.


please find my posted story for review: #1647767 "Legion (Chapters 1 -4) revised..."

thanks.
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