I'm new to writing reviews so i hope this will be helpful. Please remember the story is your own and only use what you feel will be useful to your tale overall. You are the author, use what is right for you
Things I like
Emotion - You are using emotion well so far, I can really feel the little girls feeling, and the sadness of the mother.
Description - Your use of description is fantastic, and really build upon the tale. for example: the trees swayed as her soft voice glided past them.
This is a really great combination of your previous description and your emotion.
Pacing - The pacing seems to be good so far, and is increasing as the scenes speed up. Like when the mother is worried, it shows in your sentence choice and size.
Things to work on
There are a few "run on sentences". This is a sentence that would do just as well seperated into smaller sentences, it makes it easier for the reader to keep up. Example:
This girl as you might have thought is not lost but trapped, she lingers in a cage at the old stone castle, just waiting to be set free, she no longer has a mother or father only the gatekeeper to pass her morsels of food and tell her to be quiet in the fear of waking the cult of men banished from the town that was thought to be hiding in the woods behind the castle until they sees their chance for accomplishment at making the castle theirs.
Could change to: This girl as you might have thought is not lost but trapped. She lingers in a cage at an old stone castle, just waiting to be set free. She no longer has a mother or father and only the gatekeeper passes her morsels of food and tells her to be quiet. He fears she will wake the cult of men banished from the town who were thought to be hiding in the woods behind the castle waiting for their chance to make the castle their own.
Overall a good work so far, and im interested to see where the story goes.
Keep up the good work and keep on writing!
ps, welcome to WDC (Writing dot Com!)
I do agree with the "nature lover2 and such like choice.. however, I don't choose to use the term "neo-pagan" .. not many groups in history that use the prefix neo have been all that good.
The concept is really good, also pretty fun to add to as part of the community.
Only thing I came across was the grammar in the earlier chapters. Simple as it is, as a reader I like good grammar. Anything other can draw me out of the story and make me close what I am reading.
I review this for free and freely say.. well bloody said!
Excuse my use of slang there. It got the point across though. I'm new here and although not in the position to support the site financially (yet, if ever I can I know I will, freely and happily), I really appreciate all the things I can do for free on here.
What a fantastic piece. Sadly there will always be a minority that choose to look at the "hey i have to pay for *item* side of things. Let them, and allow the true and thankful members get on with enjoying and utilising this amazing tool and community.
I like the piece. It speaks, I believe, of your feeling of being set free from your self-imposed chains upon the discovery of love in your life? However, one line to me is difficult to understand
"Bringing safety to my plight" - How does this connect with the rest of the piece?
All other aspects link and flow smoothly in a fine and emotive presentation of your mindset.
Thank you for a truly interesting read.
Blessings
Angellus
Very helpful, this is exactly something I was looking for. Much needed and just at the right time. The advice about the modifiers is so true too, I'm now looking for my thesaurus for other ways to say what i want to express.
Thank you very much
Take Care
Angellus
Please be aware im no expert when it comes to technical aspects of writing. However, i found your poem to evoke a feeling of the downtrodden man. It makes me think of times women have made me, or others i know to feel like that.
Although I can give no technical review on it, i can say it has feeling, and causes the reader to feel, which in my writing is my goal. If it is your goal also.. you have achieved it.
As both a wiccan, and a writer i will give this an honest review of 4.0. Although I disagree with your content, that is a matter of philosophy and theology, not of writing.
The stule is good, your intention is felt, as is your honest belief in your writing which is very helpful to your style.
Although preaching.. you feel you must, and your medium just happens to be your words.
Good work
A happy witch
Angellus
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