Not bad. A interesting concept, full of potential. The whole rogue/actualized AI, limits of transhumanity, etc. Of course, it's been done before, but it's how you write it that's important.
That said, the transitions were a bit jerky. I couldn't tell that he'd been knocked out until he "told" me... you should show, instead of tell. If he was thrown back and knocked out, describing the setting (blackened corridor, etc.) seems like a cumbersome way to utilize the omniscient 3rd person narrative. Little things like that.
I also think you're underestimating the imagination of your viewer. You don't necessarily need to rely on exposition and elaborate quite as thoroughly as you do. It would help with the pacing as well.
Lastly, the suspense of the climax was rather underdeveloped. Specifically, the main character's initial encounter with the AI. Straight from encounter, to being knocked out, to killing it - in very few lines. This part of the story could use as much attention and detail as you put into the beginning, to properly enhance the drama of the scene and the peril the character's in.
Overall, not bad, but could use some polishing and enrichment. Keep it up, and good luck.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/anonym7
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:33am on Nov 19, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
