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58 Public Reviews Given
59 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Now that's good! 298 words. Full story, character development and a plot. Unexpected ending (love the darkness of it all!), and wonderful tie in to the theme. Great job.
2
2
Review of Kitchen Kings  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This would be a really good start to the landing page of a website for Kitchen Kings. I found the copy compelling and fun and would, and do want to know more. Doesn't hurt that I love all things food and cooking related, and coincidently just bought new Kitchen pots and pans!! Anyhow, back to you...

I might suggest a couple of things to tighten it up a bit:
1) Minimize the excess adjectives. For example in your sentence: We have spent endless hours creating some of the finest dishes in the world and cultivating our craft and also creating lasting friendships within the restaurant industry. -- Re-read it (out-load preferably) without the word "endless." If you agree, then you might want to change "hours" to "years" or "decades" because hours would sound like you just started!

2) Tighten up. In that same sentence above, think about the order of the three things: finest dishes, cultivating our craft, friendships. It can be even more powerful if, when listing things, you build or reduce. So building would be: Cultivating our craft, creating the finest dishes and building lasting friendships. See how I went from bigger concepts to smaller ones? Also note that you had use the word "creating" twice in the same sentence so it kind-of lost its power. By replaceing once instance to "building" it has more power.

Second tightening example: "...to create a line of cookware that will help you cook like an iron chef. Let's face it future iron chefs of America stocking your kitchen with cooking utensils and equipment can put a dent in your checkbook really fast .We made deal with corning ware to produce a line of cookware that Is also affordable and will last just as long as any other line of cookware on the market today."

Consider a rewrite like this: ... to create a line of affordable cookware that will last forever and help you cook like an Iron Chef!
Much fewer words but more impact!

Keep up the writing. As I said I love this topic and will read more...

Take care,
Dee

3
3
Review of Journey Home  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good story. I had a hard time getting into it at first but then I was hooked. Most importantly by the end, it really made me think. To me, and I have no idea your intentions, but it seems like an allegory for a man finally letting go of his own child's death. The ending was warm and satisfying.

Regarding the writing, as I re-read, I can see that I had trouble with the beginning because, and only you know this for sure, it sounds a bit like maybe you were trying too hard to sound etherial. You get past that real quick though and by the fourth paragraph and, building even more to the end, the writing is flowing and inviting. Great job.



4
4
Review of The Dress  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
hmmmm... great mystery. Leave me wondering... and that's a great sign! Well done.

The character of Joe is well developed. He is clearly a great dad and loved his wife. The reader can feel his pain (not to sound like President Clinton, of course *Bigsmile*).

Only one suggestins: I don't know if you were trying to say within a word count or not, be it you decide to develop more in the future, than consider filling out the men in suits. Seems a bit unrealisitc that the dad wouldn't have asked for ID and knowledge of who they were before letting them search his house.

Very enjoyable story, keep writing.

Dee.
5
5
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! My name is Dee
and I hope you find this review useful.
I'm a member of the Paper Doll Gang --
odd name, I know, but fun group! *Cool*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Everything here is intended to help, not hurt.
Remember, reviews are just one person's opinion.
If you don't agree with any comment --
no, problem -- just ignore it!!
*Bigsmile*



*Note1* First Impression and WOW factor:
This was a very well thought out, detailed, emotional story. Very well done. As you will see in my review, I use the word "powerful" over and over -- because it was. I really appreciated the time, care and attention to details - it gave the story tension by making the reader gasp for air - then you relieved it with the continuation of the story. Very, very well done.


*Note2* Characters:
Raj was a wonderful character. I was thinking about him days after I read the story. If you could work in more info on his physical characteristics that might be good.


*Note3* Plot/Conflict/Pace:
The Pace was excellent. Even in the opening paragraph, when deep into the details of the sweat running down his face - it never felt slow or plodding. It was well done.


*Note5* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: You could polish the story up a bit by correcting some errors around grammar and punctuation. Some specifics are below. This said though, DO NOT be discouraged by this, you have a wonderful voice, strong skills in writing -- any one can learn the technical things around grammer, word choice, and wordiness.


*Note5* Line by line:
*Cut*You wrote *Pencil*:You wrote: He examined the dark stain left on the floor, which vanished almost instantly, taken hostage by the unforgiving heat that had caused it.

Consider this: The “He” in this statement was confusing to me. Probably Raj, but Raj doesn’t “wake up” until a future sentence… Also, the stain vanishes quickly by the heat ?? I’m not following this. What stain? How does the heat make it vanish?
The phrase at the end of the sentence starting with taken hostage…ls VERY powerful – I love it – but it loses its power in a confusing sentence.


You wrote: Shoes were a commodity his family could not afford, and stepping out into the already blistering heat, the soles of his feet grew rapidly hot resulting in Raj doing a quick dance, hopping from one foot to the other with frequent alternation until they had become accustom to the warm floor.

Consider this: Blistering heat… Rapidly hot…quick dance… frequent alternations – consider tightening up this sentence and ask yourself – do each of the adjectives ADD to the sentence or do they just repeat and thus lessen the impact?
If you keep “frequent alternations” consider making the verb more powerful… For example: Shoes were a commodity his family could not afford. (Making this one sentence draw attention to this. Makes the reader stop and think about that –no shoes.) He stepped out into the blistering heat and quickly hopped from foot to foot until his tender soles acclimated to the hot floor.

You wrote: His mother was already awake, and had become milking their goat for the first time today.

Consider this: the word “become”, maybe you mean begun?
The phrase “first time today” consider rewording – the first milking of the day.

You wrote: The sound of the desert flooded Raj’s ears, the heat causing the various insects to sing their consistent high pitched drone, he quickly ignored it, leaving it to become little more than white noise in the inner most depth of his mind.

Consider this: if you delete the work ‘quickly’ it has a bit more impact. This is a great sentence. Your attention to detail in the minutest of movements is very powerful (I know I’ve used this word a lot but I can’t think of a better one!!) Great, great sentence.

You wrote: Raj’s eye was caught by a flash of movement just outside the gate. He tried to focus, but could not see what had at first caught his attention.

Consider this: I find this a bit wordy, and thus, loses its punch. Consider tightening it up by not using the Passive voice and making the verb more action oriented. For example –A flash of movement just outside the gate caught Raj’s eye.
In the second sentence – same comment about wordiness. Consider this – He tried to focus but could not see what it was.

You wrote: learnt

Consider this: You may have intended this as part of the local slang? Learned?

You wrote: and I think your little hands will come in useful here” She replied, becoming her son towards her.

Consider this: The phrase “come in useful” is actually “come in handy” but you may not want to say that because of the word ‘hand’ just before. Maybe say -- be useful -- instead.
Also you need a comma after the word ‘here’ and inside of the double quotes. The first letter in the word ‘she’ would not be capitalized. The word ‘becoming’, I think you mean beckoning – but be careful because you use ‘beckoning’ in just a few paragraphs and it would be overused. So you might want to consider a different verb- or even just ending the sentence after ‘she replied’ the rest is already clear.


You wrote: Before long Raj was carefully filling the can.

Consider this: You change tenses here. Based on the paragraph following this one, Raj is done. Thus consider changing the tense to past tense: Before long Raj had filled the can.

You wrote: The paragraph starting with -- Raj entered the outhouse and removed a small bucket of water collected from the well a few miles away. He returned back to their home, walking over to the crack in the ground he had spotted earlier.
Consider this: AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME *Bigsmile* you show us so much about the family, their economic status, and their pride and love of family. Very well done!!!


Helpful hint for future posting: It appears as though you cut and pasted this piece from a word processing system. If you do that, the posting appears as one long paragraph. One long four page paragraph is daunting to read – and thus, you may not get many reviews – which, you may want if you want to continue to grow as a writer. Thus, if you do cut and paste from a word processing software you have three choices (that I know of):

1) Go back and edit your posted and hand enter the extra ‘enters’ to put a space between the paragraphs., or

2) At the bottom of the edit screen on the posting, just below where to enter the body of the post, there are two options: Preserve the line spacing; and enter extra line feed between paragraphs. Check both of those and the post will be much easier for the reviewers to read. The only drawback to this option is that when you go to ‘edit’ you piece – those extra line feeds don’t show up.

3) In your word processing software – if it has a find and replace feature – use it to find all their paragraph marks and replace them with two manual line feeds. Then cut and paste that version into the site and it will look good for both you and the reader.



*Note5* Final Thoughts:
This is a fantastic piece. I thought about it for days after I read it – it really stayed with me – and that’s a clear sign of a great story. You did an incredible job with the details which really pulls the reader in and give the story credibility. I can’t wait to read more of your stuff.



Thank you for allowing me to give you some input.
I hope it was helpful.

If you are new to Writing.com take a look at this:
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#1510308 by Not Available.

Either way, hope to read more later. Thanks for writing!!!

*Pencil*Keep on writing!!
Dee

ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
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6
6
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
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Hello! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest Open in new Window. (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]


*Note2* Characters:

I'd like to know more about the main character. How old is he/she? Is it a male or female - especially because many reader won't be able to tell from the name 'Yellow Bird'.



*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace:

You wrote: That day Mother walked in was a day that I'd never forget.

Consider this: The way this sentence is structured, you are implying that mother walking in was significant -- and that's not what you mean. The first sentence should grab the reader (especially in a piece this short) and get us interested. Consider this -- My bothers and I were to be the new messengers. We would plead to the Sun God to help our people, to save them from this famine. -- An opening like that (and based on other pieces I'v read from you... I KNOW you can write an even better one than than the one I'm suggesting) would grab me and draw me in much faster...

Consider also developing the area where you mention the hardships the tribe is going through. This whole piece can be a very heart wretching story about love, loyalty and tradition - you've got a great start.

*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

You wrote: “We must get ready. The ceremony is tomorrow.” Mother said.

Consider this: There should be a comma after 'tomorrow' not a period, and 'mother' would then Not be capitalized. There are several other places with this same error, but I think you get it.


You wrote: . . .proving it's worth to us all.

Consider this: it's should be its.


You wrote: When I entered the realm of the Sun, I would beg

Consider this: should not be past tense here .. should be 'When I enter the realm of the Sun, I will beg...



You wrote: We started up the long trek to the mountain top and I ate my coco leaves on the way up and fed some to Bright Heart and Crow Feather.

Consider This: Way too long and disjointed sentence. Consider breaking it up.. We started our long trek up to the mountain top. I ate my coco leave and fed some to Bright Heart and Crow Feather.


You wrote: I place my arms around my legs and pulled the tight.

Consider this: did you mean 'them tight' instead of 'the tight'



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor:

I love how you hold back on telling us what 'being the messenger' really means. We anticipate that it means death, but you really don't tell us... that was very well done.


*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star* I have to give this an overall rating of 3.0. Now, please do not be personally upset at this -- I've read other pieces of yours, and you are a very talented writer and I know you can do great work. I just don't think this represented your best work. It seemed a bit rushed and not well polished.

I truly look forward to reading more of your work. Please keep writing!!!

One last comment, and this did NOT effect my rating at all. This looks like you might have cut and pasted from perhaps a word document. Thus the lines are all bunched together. If you check both boxes at the bottoom of the new items screen - they say something like Perserve spacing, and Double Space Paragraphs -- it will show much better and be easier for your readers to review.


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

*Pencil*Keep on writing!!
Dee

ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
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7
7
Review of Two Words  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! My name is Dee
and I hope you find this review useful.
I'm a member of the Paper Doll Gang --
odd name, I know, but fun group! *Cool*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Everything here is intended to help, not hurt.
Remember, reviews are just one person's opinion.
If you don't agree with any comment --
no, problem -- just ignore it!!
*Bigsmile*



*Note1* First Impression and WOW factor:
Very nice story. The reader can really feel the emotions of this woman.

*Note2* Characters:
We get to know Alexis quite well. You did a good job of protraying how she feels. I would like to know a bit more about what she looks like, and how old she is.


*Note3* Plot/Conflict/Pace:
Plot and conflict both in term of the exterior conflict and her internal conflict at the end, are both done well. I was a bit confused in the first few paragraphs where you start in the present, jump back to earlier that day, and then jump back to further in the past and then back to the present. I had to read twice to keep up on the time switches.


*Note4* This one thing...
My favorite is the paragraph that begins with... Finally she was there, in the cafe where they had first met two years ao...
That is very well written. Excellent description of Marcus.

Another great line in the paragraph after that ... as she felt her insides shatter like fine crystal... very very nice.



*Note5* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: Some minor problems in punctuating dialogue but that might be a difference between where you are from and where I'm from (for me comma's go inside the quotes). A few commas here and there and some word choice that I'll note below...


*Note5* Line by line:
*Cut*You wrote *Pencil*:willing herself to be still and calm

*Idea*Perhaps consider this:should be ... willed herself to be still and clam

*Cut*You wrote *Pencil*: Her face gave away none of the turbulent emothions that were clamoring for her attention, the chattering of the small silver spoon around the edges of the cup as she stirred her coffee.

*Idea*Perhaps consider this: Tighten up the long sentence... She unmasked her turbulent emotions by nervously chattering a small silver spoon on the edge of her cup.



*Note5* Final Thoughts:
Paragraph towards the end ... When she finished speaking she felt exhautsed... very nicely written.

Consider making the ending a bit stronger by deleting the very last line altogether (starts with ... This man's real atttractiveness ...) you've already showed the reader this, you don't have to tell us. Ending with the ... girl's heartbeat quicken... is much more powerful.


Thank you for allowing me to give you some input.
I hope it was helpful.
If you are into reviewing,
I'm hoping for reviews on:
 He Works Therefore He Is Open in new Window. (13+)
From money, influence and power to chickens, compost and honey-do-lists.
#1649159 by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon

Either way, hope to read more later. Thanks for writing!!!

*Pencil*Keep on writing!!
Dee

ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
8
8
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! My name is Dee
and I hope you find this review useful.
I'm a member of the Paper Doll Gang --
odd name, I know, but fun group! *Cool*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Everything here is intended to help, not hurt.
Remember, reviews are just one person's opinion.
If you don't agree with any comment --
no, problem -- just ignore it!!
*Bigsmile*



*Note1* First Impression and WOW factor:
Very good story. Sounds like there might be more to come. The ending really keeps the reader hanging ... well done.


*Note2* Characters:
Strong characters in Joseph and the Whisperer. I can visualize them nicely.



*Note3* Plot/Conflict/Pace:
Pace was really good. You start out slow and give us a strong sense of place, then move right into the action.


*Note4* This one thing...
I need to more about this tribe/clan whatever they are. What is it that binds them together. Why to they listen to Joseph sometimes, and the other guy other times?


*Note5* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: You can use a bit of work in this category. Frist go to about.com and search for dialogue punctuation - there is a straight forward article on how to punctuate dialogue. Several other problems in this area but I'll highlight them below in the line by line. This is the main reason why the rating is only a 3.5.


*Note5* Line by line:
*Cut*You wrote *Pencil*: In the first paragraph - . . .songs of heroes and dragons ringing through the town
That give me, the reader, mixed messages. Songs of heroes connotes good; whereas songs of dragons connotes bad. It didn't work for me, but take into consideration I don't read much fantasy.

*Idea*Perhaps consider this: Pick one heroes or dragons.

*Cut*You wrote *Pencil*:In the first paragraph you mention the forest seemed alive and bright... but then at the end of the second paragraph you say... transfixed on the dusty road.
Seemed like an odd juxtaposition lush forest / dusty road.

*Idea*Perhaps consider this: Make the dusty road a wet soggy one to be consistent with the forest theme.


*Note5* Final Thoughts:
Good story. Solid work. You have the beginnings of something here. Spend sometime polishing it up and you're off and running.



Thank you for allowing me to give you some input.
I hope it was helpful.
If you are into reviewing,
I'm hoping for reviews on:
 He Works Therefore He Is Open in new Window. (13+)
From money, influence and power to chickens, compost and honey-do-lists.
#1649159 by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon

Either way, hope to read more later. Thanks for writing!!!

*Pencil*Keep on writing!!
Dee

ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
9
9
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Prof:
You did a very good job of outlining the choices. I couldn't think of one that wasn't there. Was the idea prompted by the recent review you received?

Suggestion: you might consider making the Poll options - parallel -- i.e. change #3 to Ignore the Message,and not rate at all; and #4 Send private email and don't rate at all... that way it appears more parallel and flows a bit better, I think.

thanks.
Dee
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10
10
Review of Gemstone Boutique  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow. I think you did a fabulous job on this. Clearly you put in a lot of time and effort. I'm thinking, the anonymous person, must not be a memeber of the PDG gang, and did not know the requirements of the crossword puzzle. If the person was just a persons popping in to do a crossword - yea, I can see where they might give it a 1 - because someone not know the objective of the puzzle, not being familiar with the PDG group, not know where to search out the answers . . .

But in terms of what you were trying to do here, and accomplishing the overall goal of doing a crossword puzzle that showed what you learned here with the Newbie group -- Thwe is AWESOME!!!

The only suggestion for improvement that I would suggest is to show a somethings about WHAT you learned about the WDC site and moving around it.. That said -- you showed a tremendous amout about the PEOPLE of the site - and, really, other than the act of writing, that is what it's all about.

My final suggestion would be to never, never, take reviews personally. A review is just one person's opinion. Whether they are anonymous or not, you don't really know anything about that person, the life experiences that color their opinion, what's happening to them that day they wrote the review and on and on... Any good analyst will tell you, statiscally speaking, if you get ten reviews -- throw out the bottom two AND Throw out the top two - and the rest come closests to reality. Yes, unfortuately the top two are probably not reality, as much as the bottom two are not either.

You showed a tremendous amount of respect for each member of the PDG Newbie class; and did a wonderful, very thoughtful job on this assignment. Thank you.

Dee
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11
11
Review of Metamorphous  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow. As you know, I don't know anything about poetry, but I'm not sure what I'm more impressed with - the poem's wonderful overall sense of the experience, or your ability to comply with all the rules for this type of poem. Very well done. Thank you for sharing it.
Dee.
12
12
Review of story cramp  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! Thank you for posting this piece. My name is Dee, and I have drafted this review. I hope you find it useful. Remember you can't please everyone, so some comments will resonate with you, and other won't. You are the final judge and jury as to what should and should not belong in your piece -- everything else is just one person's opinion. Enjoy!!


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review.

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters:

*Thumbsup* You did a great job with Katie. I can feel her panic rising through the deliveries. I can also sense her filppant attitude towards dumping her boyfriend.

*Check2* I was a bit confused regarding Charles. I had to stop and figure out -- Charles is both her boyfriend and boss. I got to boss because he was the one "forcing" her to take vacation.


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace:

*Thumbsup* Excellent pace. You gave the reader just enough of Katie's feelings without overdoing it. You kept it going. Every line moved the piece forward. Well done.



*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:


*Check2* Punctuation around dialogue was incorrect in most places. Check out the following link for a brief summary (I hope you find it helpful): http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercise...

Also, there are at least two schools of thought when it comes to how to punctuate internal dialogue (a character's thoughts). One is to punctuate it as if it were spoken dialogue (see link above), and the second most common way is to put the internal thoughts in italics.



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor:

*Thumbsup* Very fun. Loved the ending.

*Check2* Consider this: I think (just one person's opinion, remember) you gave the ending away -- in the beginning when you told us that the boy friend had not returned the key to her place. You don't have to mention that. Let us find out at the end and it will have even more punch!!



Specific comments:

*Check2* "She had invited him in naked and . . ." Who was naked? Him or her?

*Check2*"She rolled off the couch, her feet skimming the top of several empty beer bottles. Eggs." -- Eggs? Were her feet skimming eggs?


I enjoyed your story! Thank you for allowing me to give me some input. I hope it was helpful.


*Pencil*Keep on writing!!
Dee

ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
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13
13
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Not only is it what you might bring to the island, but I like how you added ... today. Yes, things do look different day to day -- well done.
14
14
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You did a great job in 55 words. We have two characters, some tension and a hint a resolution. Well done.
15
15
Review of Fate Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



Hello! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest Open in new Window. (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]


*Note2* Characters: 3*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Connie is developed nicely. We get a good sense of her relationship with her mom and her uncertainty as to her gift. You use descriptive "body" words well. An example is how you "show" us her fear by writing - "trying to hide the fear that was bubbling up in the back of my mouth." Nicely written.



*Check2* I, as the reader, would love to know more about what the characters looked like. I'm also very interested to know more about the dad and his relationship to the mom and daughter ... maybe all that comes in Chapter 2?

*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 3*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* The conflict is very clear. Actually several conflicts: Dad vs. Mom and daughter; Non-psychic world vs. the psychic world, the daughter vs. her visions and her inability to stop them. Well done. It will be fun seeing which one (or more) you develop in subsequent chapters.

*Check2*Consider not giving away too much, too fast. In just a short chapter, you've told us someone(s) are killing the female members of the family. All that without much suspense or build up. We (the readers) only CARE about people who are killed if we know and like them. Give us a chance to know the characters/ family before you kill them off. Make us wonder, who and why they are being killed.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 3.5 *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Overall very well done.

*Check2* Tenses. What your tenses. As with many writers, you want to write in the present tense - but switch to past tense, and back again. Try forcing yourself to write in all past tense and see how it works for you. Also take time to notice the tenses being used in books/stories you read ... I think you'll be surprised how often the writer uses past tense, but to the reader feels as though it is happening now.


*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: 3 *Star*’s

*Thumbsup* Great start to what looks like is going to be an engaging and fun novel. Keep up the great work.



*Right* My Overall Rating: 3 *Star*


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

*Pencil*Keep on writing!!
Dee

ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
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16
16
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello (entrant's name)! Thank you for posting this story. My name is Dee, and I have drafted this review. I hope you find it useful. Remember you can't please everyone, so some comments will resonate with you, and other won't. You are the final judge and jury as to what should and should not belong in your piece -- everything else is just one person's opinion. Enjoy!!


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review.

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters:

*Thumbsup* Good sense of Boone, and dad and mom.

*Check2* Usually a short story has the main character have some sort of ah-ha moment. I'm not sure if this happened to Boone or not?


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace:

*Thumbsup* Good description of when the dad becomes angry.

*Check2* Consider setting up some conflick. Yes, the dad being an drunk is conflick, but not if everyone accepts it. I'm seeing that the dad may have changed a bit, but since it was from the point of view for Boone, she should have changed a bit.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

*Check2* Watch punctuation used in dialogue. Also watch you tenses.


Line by Line comments. My comments are in red. I write the comments AS I AM READING the piece for the first time. I'm thinking this gives you some insight as to what the reader is thinking, and if this were the real reading world, whether or not the reader would continue:


My Idea Of A Winter Wonderland Upon second read, I'm not sure how the title fits the story? There is the dialogue about snow, but not mention of the Wonderland, nor does the story really pivot around the snow or winter, or wonderland.

Chapter 1

I walked down the wear-beaten wear-beaten seems awkward road up to my small home. It was December, but it was close to 70F. I didn't switched tenses - don't know exactly why the weatherman said it was gonna be a white Christmas –it rarely snows in Fort Worth, TX— but I knew then and there that Christmas ain't gonna be white this year or the year after.

So far we had one snow (more like hail) and nothing else. Every year I asked if it was gonna snow; and every year it was the same answer.

“Boone, why do you want it to snow? It's lovely warm, honey. Nothing has to change. Just 'cus it don't wantsnow don't mean it we can't have any Christmas.” Mama said in her sweet country accent.

“But Mama, it has to snow. New York gets snow.” I said.

“Yes, honey, they get snow. They also don't get much of a summer. They think that 80 is hot.” Mama said laughing softly.

I never really understood that. For us, 80F was warm. Hot was 105F and perfect was somewhere around 95F.

“Maybe next year, Boone.comma not period ” Mama always said.

Right after she says tense switch again, you were in past - 'said' now you are in future 'says' that I bit my tongue to keep from askin' more questions.

But that all changed when my Daddy came home and told us that he had finally gotten a job. But, Mama stated -and I agreed- getting a job is quite different than keeping one.

I was 13 that year when my life changed and Daddy came home with the announcement. I was a blond with my hair bobbed. I lived in 1964 since we don't know what year it is in the story, this referece to 1964 is confusing. Are you saying it's much later i.e. 1974 and he is still 'living in 1964'? . My Daddy, I'm sorry to say, was an alcoholic and had a trouble keeping a job.

“It's true, honey. This time it's gonna be different. We'll get a fresh start.comma not period ” I heard Daddy say.

“Sweetheart, I can't tell you how many times you said that.comma not period -- I won't mention it again, I think you got it.” Mama said.

I knew that they were talking about moving again. I've moved at least ten times the past three years. More often than not we would move again before we finished unpacking from the last move.

“All right, sweety. But please promise me that if we move, you're a gonna stop gettin' drinks and getting drunk. Have you ever thought of what that's like for Boone with you coming home and waking the neighborhood every other night?” Mama said.

“Alright, Josie.” Daddy said as he pulled Mama into a hug, “I'll stop getting drinks. I'll take care of you and Boone. I'll do everything right. I promise.” Daddy said.

“Alright, honey. But this time, you tell Boone we're leaving.”

I bit my lip to keep from crying. I couldn't believe that we were moving again.

I heard Daddy climbing up the stairs so I ran to my room and jumped on my bed so's it wouldn't look like I was eavesdropping would a child this age, think the word eavesdropping -- maybe listening or sneaking? on him and Mama.

“Boone, honey, can we talk?” Daddy said, halting in my doorway.

“Sure, Daddy.” I answered.

“Well, I got a job . . .” he started.

“A job! Daddy that's great!” I said excitedly.

“Don't get all happy yet, babe.” Daddy warned me. “We have to move.”

“Again? Daddy, why's we got to keep movin' and movin'?” I said angrily. I had no idea why I was reacting that way. I had over heard all of this. It just seemed worst now that he was saying it to my face. It was like he was failing me for the thirtieth time.

I saw a flash of anger pass in Daddy's eyes. He grabbed me by my arm and jerked my to where we were looking eye to eye.

“Drat it, girl! oh man, I thought it was a little boy, I'll check on it during the second read as see if I can figure why I thought this!! I'm trying to make things right! Why cain't you see that?” Daddy snarled, giving me a hard shake.

I tried hard not to scream. Daddy was starting to scare me.

“Drat you, Conner!” Mama said from the doorway. She ran in between me and Daddy and was standing protectively in front of me.

“You promised to stop that!” Mama said, looking at him with a look of disgust.

“Josie, the girl talked back to me so move aside!” Daddy growled.

“Shoot ya, Conner! You promised to stop this!” Mama said furiously.

Mama and Daddy glared at each other for a moment while I wiggled uncomfortably under their gaze.

“It's no wonder why Boone hates you.” Mama said.

My eyes widened.

Daddy grabbed me again so we were looking eye to eye.

“Boone ah, it's the name Boone -- as in Daniel Boone. So I just assumed it was a boy. You might have meant Boone, or may Bonnie? don't hate me, do you girl?” Daddy asked. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't like to get into Mama and Daddy's fights.

“Well babe, do you?” Daddy said. I still kept my mouth shut. Daddy's grip on my arm was steadily tightening.

“Ouch!” I yelped when his grip tightened beyond what I could bear. 'beyond what I could bear' seems a bit to formal for a young child. Maybe 'until it hurt bad' would be more age appropriate

“Stop it, Conner! You promised! If you can't keep your promises Boone and I are going back to Mother's and are staying there.” Mama said.

Daddy let go of me.

Mama and Daddy went back to their room. I could still hear their arguing all the way down the stairs.

I knew that Daddy didn't mean to hurt me. But if he didn't shape up, me and Mama are going to a visit with Grandma. And I had a feeling it wasn't gonna be a short visit.

Two weeks later we were packed up and moving to the “bad” side of Fort Worth. “Bad” doesn't even cover how nasty it was. It was so bad that Mama didn't even want me to leave the house, but naturally, Daddy made her let me go to school.

It was during that time that I noticed Daddy was trying really hard to please Mama.

I became friends with a cute boy who's name was Johnny Kelly. He was tall, strong, and the kind of boy that you'd expect to play football.

There was also a new girl. I had never seen a girl like her around. She was black. Her skin was the color of coffee and she wore her brown hair in five long braids that were linked together.

There were rumors that because she was black, she was a thief or scum that was worst than a thief.

When I first came to the school, rumors like that were about me. I simply assumed that the rumors were there because she was new here.

I liked her. She had guts to come to a white school who hates newcomers.

I became her friend. Her name was Annie Goodman. She was smart and loved to sing. She also got called nasty words and she just ignored the insults.



I enjoyed your story! Thank you for allowing me to give me some input. I hope it was helpful.


Dee
ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
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Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Made me smile *Smile*. I loved the use of the circle-back technique (a favorite of mine) and you used it twice (your first and last lines; and in the one month dated, one month grieve preparing the reader for the beginning of the first circl-back). Well done.

... a 'dash' is a word... hmmm ... news to me.

Dee.
18
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Review of Dear Me - II  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love how you went back and held yourself accountable for your previous year's goals. Well done. Back when I used to write in a journal everyday, I would occasionally go back and read what I wrote. Matter of fact, that is what finally stopped me from writing in it everyday, because I would complain about the same things over and over, or be happy and elated about the same things. I got sick of hearing myself. So I finally decided to stick to fiction where I could make it all up, and to non-fiction where I had to stick to the fact-- but stay away from journal writing!

Best of luck to you in your goals. I hopt the editor does a wonderful job for you.

Dee.
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Review of Dare To Be  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You recently did a review of a piece I wrote for a "dialogue only" contest. There was something in your words (of the review), the way you phrased things, the flow and rhythm of your style that made me want to click on your profile and read somethig you had written.

Well, I was not disappointed. I haven't written any poems (unless you count the love poems I wrote in fourth grade when I had my first crush!) and to my loss, I suspect, don't normally even read poetry. But this piece. WOW! I truely loved it (and it you knew me better you'd know what a compliment this is). I think you have really captured a feeling expressed by many, many women. You did it (or at least it came across as if you did it) with such ease and flow. Pacing was calm and rhythmc -- nothing choppy or unexpected. The words seem natural, not forced as they seem to me in many poems.

Very, very enjoyable. I think I will print this and post it on the wall above my desk (with full attribution to "Hunter's Moon." Thank you so much for sharing it with me.

Dee.
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Review of hunter and vixen  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Unexpected ending. Great!

Very cute story. To polish it up real nice, you might consider re-looking at some of your phrases. Some of them might be perceived as a bit overused. For example, phrases like:
inviting cleavage between well-formed breast -
living, breathing paradox --
Seem a bit too cliche'ish of a piece this entertaining.

Misc Comments:
pectoral muscles - wouldn't one really say or think "pec muscles" or even just "great pecs"? Would they really say Pectoral?
Can you feature that? -- I think that might be a typo -- feature? maybe you mean figure?

I get a great picture of the male lead and the female character - great way to paint the picture using words.
Plus, the bit about the boss and his boat picture with no people -- then how it ties into the call center itself -- well done.

Again, the ending was so unexpected. Loved it.

Dee.
21
21
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
You've got the start of something here. I start to appreciate the female character at the end where we learn she is really more concerned about being "off-the-hook" than what trouble her husband is in. Consider building this up a little more, giving the reader a little more tension along the way. Say when she is in the car driving to pick him up she goes on and on about how she is always getting in trouble with him for forgetting to do things. Build it up so that at the end we really feel her joy, her triumph at feeling more like his equal, rather than the wife that always messes up.

Consider also the old adage -- show, don't tell. We hear how she is tired, but we don't see her heavy body sinking into the bed, her eyes closing at his every word, or his red face and bulging veins as he yells (while being pushed out the door of the police station)... oh yea and the baby kicking!

Some of your sentence structure was a bit awkward for me. For example -- I had not even been able to get to sleep until shortly before midnight, because my nephew had been at our apartment all evening. The "I had not even been able" was tough for me to get through without re-reading. Sounds more like you are trying to capture real dialogue for a play script, rather than for a narrative. Consider tightening it up a bit.

The sentence -- "What are you doing there?" I drawled each syllable out. I was now fully conscious, but definitely still not comprehending. -- is also an example where some tightening could happen. If I were awoken in the middle of the night, groggy with sleep and pregnancy hormones, I'd probably just respond "What?" You also have a split-infinitive (splitting of the words "drawled" and "out") which also results in a sentence ending in a preposition. All easy to fix by moving "out" next to "drawled" or deleting the word "out" all together.

Consider also that sometime less is more. "..now fully conscious, but definitely still not comprehending." the -- definitely still not -- doesn't really add much and actually takes away the impact of the words - not comprehending. Less words would be more powerful.

Hope this helps. Keep up the writing. A piece that I think a lot of women could relate to, and thus, want to read.
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Review of Amgels In Charge  Open in new Window.
Review by ArizonaHeat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
How wonderful for you and your family to understand how connected we really are. I see that some of your other work is poetry. The content of this story could make a great poem about universality, life, connectedness, and prayer. I chuckle at your subject line, you, just like me, are apt to make typo's there! So easy to do.
I'm not really sure of your original intention for this piece, but it certainly could turn into a poem (as mentioned), a short story or even a novel (biography, fiction, creative non-fiction); but then again, it might have been that you just wanted to get this obviously profound experience down on paper.
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