Hello (entrant's name)! Thank you for posting this story. My name is Dee, and I have drafted this review. I hope you find it useful. Remember you can't please everyone, so some comments will resonate with you, and other won't. You are the final judge and jury as to what should and should not belong in your piece -- everything else is just one person's opinion. Enjoy!!
In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review.
[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]
Characters:
Good sense of Boone, and dad and mom.
Usually a short story has the main character have some sort of ah-ha moment. I'm not sure if this happened to Boone or not?
Plot/Conflict/Pace:
Good description of when the dad becomes angry.
Consider setting up some conflick. Yes, the dad being an drunk is conflick, but not if everyone accepts it. I'm seeing that the dad may have changed a bit, but since it was from the point of view for Boone, she should have changed a bit.
Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:
Watch punctuation used in dialogue. Also watch you tenses.
Line by Line comments. My comments are in red. I write the comments AS I AM READING the piece for the first time. I'm thinking this gives you some insight as to what the reader is thinking, and if this were the real reading world, whether or not the reader would continue:
My Idea Of A Winter Wonderland Upon second read, I'm not sure how the title fits the story? There is the dialogue about snow, but not mention of the Wonderland, nor does the story really pivot around the snow or winter, or wonderland.
Chapter 1
I walked down the wear-beaten wear-beaten seems awkward road up to my small home. It was December, but it was close to 70F. I didn't switched tenses - don't know exactly why the weatherman said it was gonna be a white Christmas –it rarely snows in Fort Worth, TX— but I knew then and there that Christmas ain't gonna be white this year or the year after.
So far we had one snow (more like hail) and nothing else. Every year I asked if it was gonna snow; and every year it was the same answer.
“Boone, why do you want it to snow? It's lovely warm, honey. Nothing has to change. Just 'cus it don't wantsnow don't mean it we can't have any Christmas.” Mama said in her sweet country accent.
“But Mama, it has to snow. New York gets snow.” I said.
“Yes, honey, they get snow. They also don't get much of a summer. They think that 80 is hot.” Mama said laughing softly.
I never really understood that. For us, 80F was warm. Hot was 105F and perfect was somewhere around 95F.
“Maybe next year, Boone.comma not period ” Mama always said.
Right after she says tense switch again, you were in past - 'said' now you are in future 'says' that I bit my tongue to keep from askin' more questions.
But that all changed when my Daddy came home and told us that he had finally gotten a job. But, Mama stated -and I agreed- getting a job is quite different than keeping one.
I was 13 that year when my life changed and Daddy came home with the announcement. I was a blond with my hair bobbed. I lived in 1964 since we don't know what year it is in the story, this referece to 1964 is confusing. Are you saying it's much later i.e. 1974 and he is still 'living in 1964'? . My Daddy, I'm sorry to say, was an alcoholic and had a trouble keeping a job.
“It's true, honey. This time it's gonna be different. We'll get a fresh start.comma not period ” I heard Daddy say.
“Sweetheart, I can't tell you how many times you said that.comma not period -- I won't mention it again, I think you got it.” Mama said.
I knew that they were talking about moving again. I've moved at least ten times the past three years. More often than not we would move again before we finished unpacking from the last move.
“All right, sweety. But please promise me that if we move, you're a gonna stop gettin' drinks and getting drunk. Have you ever thought of what that's like for Boone with you coming home and waking the neighborhood every other night?” Mama said.
“Alright, Josie.” Daddy said as he pulled Mama into a hug, “I'll stop getting drinks. I'll take care of you and Boone. I'll do everything right. I promise.” Daddy said.
“Alright, honey. But this time, you tell Boone we're leaving.”
I bit my lip to keep from crying. I couldn't believe that we were moving again.
I heard Daddy climbing up the stairs so I ran to my room and jumped on my bed so's it wouldn't look like I was eavesdropping would a child this age, think the word eavesdropping -- maybe listening or sneaking? on him and Mama.
“Boone, honey, can we talk?” Daddy said, halting in my doorway.
“Sure, Daddy.” I answered.
“Well, I got a job . . .” he started.
“A job! Daddy that's great!” I said excitedly.
“Don't get all happy yet, babe.” Daddy warned me. “We have to move.”
“Again? Daddy, why's we got to keep movin' and movin'?” I said angrily. I had no idea why I was reacting that way. I had over heard all of this. It just seemed worst now that he was saying it to my face. It was like he was failing me for the thirtieth time.
I saw a flash of anger pass in Daddy's eyes. He grabbed me by my arm and jerked my to where we were looking eye to eye.
“Drat it, girl! oh man, I thought it was a little boy, I'll check on it during the second read as see if I can figure why I thought this!! I'm trying to make things right! Why cain't you see that?” Daddy snarled, giving me a hard shake.
I tried hard not to scream. Daddy was starting to scare me.
“Drat you, Conner!” Mama said from the doorway. She ran in between me and Daddy and was standing protectively in front of me.
“You promised to stop that!” Mama said, looking at him with a look of disgust.
“Josie, the girl talked back to me so move aside!” Daddy growled.
“Shoot ya, Conner! You promised to stop this!” Mama said furiously.
Mama and Daddy glared at each other for a moment while I wiggled uncomfortably under their gaze.
“It's no wonder why Boone hates you.” Mama said.
My eyes widened.
Daddy grabbed me again so we were looking eye to eye.
“Boone ah, it's the name Boone -- as in Daniel Boone. So I just assumed it was a boy. You might have meant Boone, or may Bonnie? don't hate me, do you girl?” Daddy asked. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't like to get into Mama and Daddy's fights.
“Well babe, do you?” Daddy said. I still kept my mouth shut. Daddy's grip on my arm was steadily tightening.
“Ouch!” I yelped when his grip tightened beyond what I could bear. 'beyond what I could bear' seems a bit to formal for a young child. Maybe 'until it hurt bad' would be more age appropriate
“Stop it, Conner! You promised! If you can't keep your promises Boone and I are going back to Mother's and are staying there.” Mama said.
Daddy let go of me.
Mama and Daddy went back to their room. I could still hear their arguing all the way down the stairs.
I knew that Daddy didn't mean to hurt me. But if he didn't shape up, me and Mama are going to a visit with Grandma. And I had a feeling it wasn't gonna be a short visit.
Two weeks later we were packed up and moving to the “bad” side of Fort Worth. “Bad” doesn't even cover how nasty it was. It was so bad that Mama didn't even want me to leave the house, but naturally, Daddy made her let me go to school.
It was during that time that I noticed Daddy was trying really hard to please Mama.
I became friends with a cute boy who's name was Johnny Kelly. He was tall, strong, and the kind of boy that you'd expect to play football.
There was also a new girl. I had never seen a girl like her around. She was black. Her skin was the color of coffee and she wore her brown hair in five long braids that were linked together.
There were rumors that because she was black, she was a thief or scum that was worst than a thief.
When I first came to the school, rumors like that were about me. I simply assumed that the rumors were there because she was new here.
I liked her. She had guts to come to a white school who hates newcomers.
I became her friend. Her name was Annie Goodman. She was smart and loved to sing. She also got called nasty words and she just ignored the insults.
I enjoyed your story! Thank you for allowing me to give me some input. I hope it was helpful.
Dee
ArizonaHeat
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